[ForeverLonelyGirl]

My obsessive thoughts are driving me nuts. I wrote here about how Thanksgiving was rough because the week prior my sister called and told me that she did not want me or my family to come to her house. It caused a huge rift with the whole family and put a dark cloud over the whole day. It took me being quiet to have my dad come to the realization that "I" did not cause the whole problem like he usually thinks.

However, recently he made this declaration that all he wants for Christmas is for the family to get together at my sister's home for Christmas. Awesome! I understand that completely and am resigned that I have to spend our family's celebration at my sister's home that does not want me there. By the time I get done obsessing over it on the 24th, I will be totally miserable. I don't know how to avoid this happening. I am already obsessing over it 2 weeks beforehand.

Plus I'm now having serious financial issues and it looks like I am going to have about 10 cents to spend on 4 grandchildren for Christmas. I am adopting 'Scrooge' mentality and refuse to put up one Christmas decoration or the tree I have. Every holiday is a problem for me anymore.

In my former life, pre-mental illness, I decorated to the hilt, enjoyed shopping for presents. I was all in. Trying to ignore the signs that some people could care less if I existed or bought them gifts at all, such as my sister. Now it is all glaringly clear and in my face. Yesterday I spoke with my dad and noticed that I was being rather *****y in general because of all this. Why would he even want us all together in this situation? I realize that he thinks that my mental illness is the problem and that my dear sister has no responsibility for divide she has caused in the whole family.

In proof reading this, I realize that I come off sounding like a drama queen that is creating havoc in my family, but I assure you that is not the case. I just keep taking the abuse and have to be quiet about everything. As per usual. I don't see getting any peace of mind about the holidays this year and I think that is a real shame.

[Little Lulu]

These holiday obligations sure can make us miserable! You always have choices - you can stay home despite what your father wants or you can go to your sister's house ... it really is up to you. If you decide to go to your sister's, why not let the past be in the past (because it really IS in the past) and give her a smile when you get there and say "Thank you for inviting me - I am glad to be here". Then do your best to get through the event in a congenial way, stay for a reasonable amount of time but not too long, and leave knowing you have done your part.

Plan something fun for yourself for the next day like watching a movie you love. Thank goodness Christmas is only one day a year ... that is what gets me through.

[SnakeCharmer]

I quit celebrating holidays long ago and life became much better for me. Christmas was always a particularly stressful time in my family, with some get-togethers ending in physical altercations between various members of the family while I melted into the background.

It's okay to say no. It's okay to tell your dad no. Nicely, politely and with love. If he thinks you're a party pooper, so what? Stay home, watch a movie, read a book, eat a cookie that you spent your last dime on.

Then one of these months when you have an extra five bucks, invite your dad for dinner. Sometimes it's best to not try to get the whole family together, especially when one person (your sister) has made it clear she doesn't want you in her house. Doesn't matter why, whether it's her fault or your fault or both of you combined. It's okay to tell your dad, "Sorry, not this year. Let's allow things to cool off." But do please remember to invite him over whenever you can to show him you love him.

But, oddly enough, given what I've already written ... I also agree 100% with Little Lulu. Christmas is one day a year. If your dad is getting on in years and if it's really important for him to have his family together on Christmas, it's also okay to suck it up, go in with a smile and to let whatever shade and tension your sis throws your way roll off your back like water off a duck.

One day a year ... for your dad ... who isn't getting any younger.

Whatever you decide to do will have some emotional repercussions because that's the way life is. Whatever you choose will take some real courage because both have some major drawbacks. I guess all a person can do is choose the one that has the least drawbacks and make the best of it.

I wish you the best, ForeverGirl, during this holiday season. I don't have a single light up and I won't. No special Xmas dinner. No presents given or received. My parents have been gone for many years. I don't regret making an effort to please my dad when he was in his 70s. After he passed, I started making "selfish" decisions. I did what was best for me and hang the rest of them. But while my dad was still alive, I'm glad I made the effort to grant him a few of his last wishes. After he passed, I was the only one in the family not reeling with guilt. I did what I could while he was still alive, even if it meant putting my ego aside.

Just something to think about. Hmmmmmmmm .... actually, I saw some Xmas scented candles at the dollar store and I might buy a couple of those. I like the smell of Xmas, even though I don't like any of the hoopla. What I like is being able to make my own choices. And I have a sister like that, too. So I kinda sorta know what you're going through. She's rejected me. It stung, but now I wish her well and pray for her happiness. Her actions stemmed from some deep unhappiness that I had nothing to do with and no power to correct or fix or make better. That's up to her. But I can wish her well and wish her happiness, all year long, not just at Xmas.

I guess I rambled on here, with a little semi-rant of my own. Take care, ForeverGirl. Please let us know what you decide to do and how it goes.

[ForeverLonelyGirl]

Snake charmer, I like what all you said and this part...

" What I like is being able to make my own choices. And I have a sister like that, too. So I kinda sorta know what you're going through. She's rejected me. It stung, but now I wish her well and pray for her happiness. Her actions stemmed from some deep unhappiness that I had nothing to do with and no power to correct or fix or make better. That's up to her"

I think that is the case with my sister. She has always rejected me, though I kept trying to make her happy somehow.

Thanks so much for your 'rant'. I just wish I could quit obsessing about it all. I go from being angry at my dad for his request to anger at her for being so callus here at the holidays. Back and forth, back and forth. Guess I need to flip a coin to decide what to do. It's sad that it all makes you hate the holidays!!!