[ForeverLonelyGirl]

I am so overwhelmed this past 2 days that I have just shut down. Some gift orders went crazy, so I have nothing for my twin granddaughters. It is cold and rainy, has been all day and now I am going to be forced to get out and go shopping in all the craziness. I have really been unable to figure out anything to get them, they seem to have everything. Can't get what I wanted to get them, it is all sold out.

Plus my sister basically is taunting me. We are having a very forced and awkward gathering at her house tomorrow. She changed what we had planned for me to cook, one of the things. She had told me at Thanksgiving that she did not want me or my family at her house for that holiday, but my dad is insisting that I get together with everyone and her on Christmas eve. Words cannot express how much I am dreading that. When she called today I could not sound enthusiastic for her phone call, and she giggled at my lack of Christmas spirit...basically she was mocking me which is her style. Very cruel!

So I am going to drag myself out to buy gifts at 8 pm, even though my anxiety is going to be way up with all the mess. Allthough I have been shut down all down, kind of paralyzed not wanting to do anything or make nice Christmas dishes like I usually do. It's fairly horrible to me right now. I have tried to give myself an attitude adjustment several times today but it's not working! I feel like I need prayers and or an exorcism. What a mess!

[kaliope]

know you are not alone in all the craziness. I have seen so many posts citing the anxiety they are suffering over facing the idea of spending time with their dysfunctional families and just as many who are upset that they are spending the holidays alone. I hope you are able to find gifts easily. frozen seems to be the most wanted gift out there for young girls........

[ForeverLonelyGirl]

Originally Posted by kaliope

know you are not alone in all the craziness. I have seen so many posts citing the anxiety they are suffering over facing the idea of spending time with their dysfunctional families and just as many who are upset that they are spending the holidays alone. I hope you are able to find gifts easily. frozen seems to be the most wanted gift out there for young girls........

Thanks kaliope!

Oh yeah, part of my gift buying problem was that the frozen snow glow Elsa doll was sold out, too expensive or etc. I did find something, not what I wanted but hope they like them. I think part of my problem is that I may have an infection and it is knocking me out. I made gingerbread cookie dough last night and it is chilling in the fridge. Doesn't look very likely that the cookies will get made.

This is one of the worst holidays on record for me and I know that partly it is me and my pathology, part situational and part not so nice people! This too shall pass...

[ForeverLonelyGirl]

Stressing myself out so hard for the past few days has done a number on my body. I felt like I was getting sick last night and today it feels like I am in the twilight zone, weird and achy.

Got my presents wrapped miraculously and am only cooking one small dish. Epic fail. I do feel lucky that I did get the kids something and had some leftover wrapping paper and bows. There is that. I have truly made myself sick with all the fretting and worrying. Now if I could only learn my lesson from this! Really trying to count my blessings and add up the positives here.

Does anyone really enjoy the holidays? Seems like I used to but there was always some kind of stress or sadness.

[Laini]

I hope it all works out for you ForeverLonelyGirl. I know how you feel. I had a complete shut down last Christmas, horrible because no one understands and most people dont know of my MI. Ive done okay this year much to my amazement.
One day your sister may have a change of heart.
Have a wonderful Christmas and take care of yourself, dont stress too much.
Remember, Grandmothers are very special no matter what.

[ForeverLonelyGirl]

Thanks Laini, Most of it is over for me, I am back home and it is nice and quiet! Glad that I did not put up a tree this year and a bunch of decorations. None actually. I have never done this, I felt bad about it all month!

I do realize how I did this to myself, nearly made myself physically ill over it all. Now I see how I only tortured myself. The gathering was fine, not stressful at all. My sister sort of looked miserable towards the end. Her health is not good. I feel really stupid for stressing so much. I didn't even cook much which I am pretty good at and enjoy.

I wonder why I do this to myself and how I could prevent it in the future.

[Just Jen]

Dear Sweet ForeverLonelyGirl
I hope you hear 'me now and listen to me later'
Take a breath.
I went through this a few holidays ago, my very first panic attack. I was driving at top speeds through town, on the phone, crying about the fact that I had no gift for my new groom. It was horrible and all stores were closed.
I'm lucky to not gave been hurt.
•This year I only changed my focus.
•This madness you feel?....
MEANS NOTHING TO THE PEOPLE WHO REALLY LOVE YOU!!!
The petty ones who make you STRESS about THE ONE DAY of the year (!)
That is ....
ALL ABOUT LOVE(!)...
THEY DONT MATTER!

The friends & family who TRULY love you, those folks don't want you to feel sadness and stress. THEY love you anyway.

[Just Jen]

Take control of your holiday, enjoy the moments you find. Create your own holiday magic.