[emory_]

I typed out two different versions, the short and long. The long version is probably the most accurate and definitely the most detailed of the two, but if you're not big on reading stupid half-coherent babbling rants that last for way too long, I'd stick with the short.

Short version (the one I recommend):
I’m struggling with my stream of consciousness, and it’s directly affected by (or directly affects) my physical body. My brain and body have a disconnection, and I can’t interact with the things happening outside of my brain because I can no longer force my mind to focus on them or my body to actually move. I feel disoriented constantly, in the way that staying awake for 36 hours and trying to do cognitive and motor activities makes you feel disoriented. Dizzy, unable to focus, thoughts in weird places bouncing around, loss of control of your body. I don’t feel any happiness or excitement over anything. I am completely apathetic to all possibilities, and it’s often hard to even move. If someone gave me two plane tickets and two tickets to disney world, I know that I would be so tired and completely mentally internal that I wouldn’t even go (and disney world is my favorite place). That actually happened recently, but with a park smaller than Disney. It has always been my favorite, but last time I went about 6 months ago, it was hell. No matter what I did, how many roller coasters I went on, my brain just wouldn’t give me any feel good chemicals to make me come online, and I ended up taking a nap alone in my family’s car in the parking lot for 9 hours after we’d only been there for 3 because I couldn’t keep my eyes open. I become agitated and irritable if I’m forced to try to interact, even if what’s being requested of me is completely reasonable. I just find it so easy to disregard every single thing that happens outside of my head that I’m starting to worry myself. I know I care about things, I know I can. I want to want things. I want to have motivation that doesn’t come from me trying to lie to myself. I want to have feelings again, to be excited about something, to not be constantly hearing your own stream of consciousness telling you that you’re never going to be happy or actually feel awake again. I just feel like I’m in a waking coma, nearly unable to speak or move when prompted but sometimes able to wiggle a toe. Does anyone know how to make your brain wake up?

Long version (oh god, if you make it through the whole thing, I’m sorry to make you suffer):
I’ve been dealing with this specific problem since my early teens, but it’s gotten exponentially worse over time. I thought it would be fixed or at least addressed when I started getting treatment for psych issues 3 years ago, but alas, here I am, asking for help. It’s always affected me negatively but I would now describe it as debilitating, and I have no idea what is specifically causing it.
It’s a hard thing to describe accurately. I want to be as descriptive and specific as possible, so I’m sorry if this gets a little long. The best ways I can describe it is that it feels like I’m.. A) trapped inside of my own head, B) wearing a space suit on the moon with low oxygen, like I’m disoriented, C) unable to engage in the world around me, D) almost completely apathetic to everything that happens, E) awake for 3 days straight, regardless of how much sleep I get or when. I know those are really vague descriptions so I’ll try to elaborate on it all. Here’s what a regular day feels like.

I start every day feeling heavy. No matter how much sleep I got or didn’t get, I will always feel like I’ve just gotten two hours of sleep after being awake for two days. I feel physically heavy, like my arms and legs are made of cement. I can’t force myself to speak because it takes too much energy. When (if) I get the energy to get up, I’m dizzy and uncoordinated. I actually have trouble navigating my body- sometimes when I’m pretty bad, I completely misjudge my position as I walk out of my bedroom and move too far one direction and end up slamming my shoulder and half of my body into the door frame. It has nothing to do with my vision or my perception of size or space- I know where the door frame is, I know how big it is, I just can’t put my body through that space correctly for some reason. My arms feel heavy when I try to reach for something, regardless of how heavy the object is or if I actually pick it up. My muscles feel like they’re working twice as hard as they should be for doing something as simple as reaching over to turn a lamp on. Mentally, I don’t feel anything good- I’m completely zoned out of whatever is happening. I can’t understand what people are saying to me and I constantly forget that I’m supposed to be listening to someone talk when they’re saying something. It’s like I hear in slow motion, too? I’m not excited about anything that’s happening, even if thing is something I know I like (or, well, liked). Say my fiance asks me if I want to go out of town for a while this Saturday to go shopping or something. I like shopping, I like going out of town, and I love my fiance. I’ll be okay with the plan initially, but when it comes time to execute the plan, I just have no interest in it at all and will usually become really agitated if I have to still go through with it. Not only do I not have interest in it, I usually feel so disconnected from the outside world that I am incapable of participating. Every step I take is forced out of me with what feels like my last bit of energy and I struggle so hard to even open my mouth to try to press sounds out. Sometimes I just completely lose the ability to control myself and there’s nothing I can do about it- I’m going to be stuck inside my brain all day and if someone tries to make me talk or move, they will be met with silence or very angry, hostile words that I know I don’t mean. I literally cannot force myself to talk or to feel or interact differently. I don’t understand why I can recognize the patterns so well and acknowledge them, but I can’t change them or just force myself to do something. It has mental and physical symptoms like I’ve already said, but I feel like words can’t describe it. It’s as though my brain is moving in slow motion all the time and taking my body with it. Sluggish body, sluggish mind. The best example I can give is this- I’m at my desk at work (well, where I used to work), and on my desk, there is a large stack of papers. My assignment is to go through the stack and sort them into 3 smaller stacks by type of document, then put each in chronological order. I understand the end goal of the assignment completely, but as I start, I find myself unable to do it. I spend the first 5 minutes trying to figure out where to start and realize my boss has been kind of side-eyeing me and is definitely noticing that I haven’t done anything yet. Once I think I’ve figured it out, I’ve lost it again. I have no idea where I’m supposed to start and the end goal of 3 stacks is kind of fading from a clear picture to a vague idea. So I sit and stare at the stacks or get locked into staring at my desk or the wall, filled half with the anxiety of not being able to figure out what I’m supposed to be doing and half filled with thoughts elsewhere- thinking about home life, about how badly I feel because I’m at work, about that thing I did 4 years ago that doesn’t matter now, about my family, etc. Whenever I try to refocus on the stacks of papers, my attention is on it for about 30 seconds before I start to wander again, feeling how heavy my entire body feels when I try to move, then losing my place completely. I’m so inside of my own head with the thoughts that I actually forget about my immediate surroundings, and when I actually am tuned into what’s happening around me, I often just don’t care enough to engage in it, regardless of the fact that I know I should care. I often become incredibly agitated and angry when I’m forced to try to pull myself out of my head to interact with the outside, to the point of throwing things (not at people) or slamming doors. I think it’s out of frustration because I can’t just pull myself out of it. I see people who have no problem getting to work on time, sitting down at their desk, and getting stuff done for 8 hours, and it makes me so upset that I struggle with maintaining my sanity even while I’m doing things I actually like. All of this comes off in person as me being rude because it seems like I just ignore my responsibilities to whine and gripe or stare at the wall all day while I ignore people who try to talk to me.

It isn’t only at work that this affects me. I'm having a lot of trouble with functioning in general. Spending all day in bed too tired or to far zoned out to leave the house, ignoring chores like the laundry I haven't done in 2-3 weeks, "unintentionally" not paying bills, not feeling confident enough in my own current state to start school like I thought I might soon. I just feel bad, and that's the only think I know for sure. I guess my biggest concern isn’t working, it’s the fact that I don’t feel good feelings. It’s the fact that I’m always so tired that I can’t close my eyes for more than a few seconds or I nod off, and that being so tired makes it even harder to physically move or to sort through my thoughts. It’s the fact that if I’m not actively doing something to distract my voice of consciousness (something like browsing Reddit or playing a game on my phone), I’m only thinking about how bad I feel. This causes me to binge on those things and waste hours of my day just trying to get little hits of dopamine from brain. I wouldn’t call it sadness (though I am sad). I have depression, and this isn’t it (I mean, it might be, but I’m also depressed in a very different way from this), but I don’t know what it is. I’ve stopped doing everything I ever did that I liked- stopped hanging out with friends, stopped going out for coffee, stopped making crafts, stopped visiting my family- and that I don’t care one bit to do any of it. I actually kind of dread those things now because I know they don’t bring me any kind of happiness, they only bring exhaustion and anger and confusion.

I don’t know what to do. I’m completely unable to work at this point and I don’t know how I’m going to support myself. I’m worried that if I don’t start feeling some sort of natural happiness or excitement or liveliness soon, I’m going to stop seeing a reason to stay alive. Don’t take that as a threat or anything, I’m not in any danger right now. I’m just very worried for myself in the future.

Has anyone ever experienced this same thing? This, just, complete lack of ability to acknowledge or interact with the world? What is there to do about it? Are these things just symptoms of my diagnoses or side effects of my meds (listed in my signature under this post)? Is there another kind of disorder that addresses this specifically? I’m not looking for a diagnosis from some strangers on a forum, and I would never take any suggestions of such as fact. I just want someone to send me a link to an article about a condition so I can feel some hope about not being the only person who deals with this specifically. I’m so tired of feeling like I’m just perceived as lazy or stupid or just rude, which happens a lot because few of the people I’ve worked with/worked for have ever known that I have any MI. If you’ve got a suggestion, please let me know. Thanks, y’all.

[ForeverLonelyGirl]

Just wanted to let you know that I am sorry you are experiencing such misery. My brain cannot slow down enough to read and absorb a lot plus it can be triggering to me as well. I do get that you are suffering and hope you find some answers here. Sometimes my posts can be long and drawn out too, and too much for folks to try to understand.

[Generic_username123]

I just wanna say thanks for writing that as I relate to a lot of what you say and you have articulated yourself so well.

I often feel disconnected from everything, as if I am just there and my attempts to engage with the world just backfire and I end up making myself more and more neurotic. I work in data entry and have these ruminations sometimes where I just zone out and get a bit obsessive and repetitive that I've done everything right. I don't think I'm cut out for doing much else, I used to be a home care assistant but frequently got overwhelmed and ended up getting tension pains a lot. I get over stimulated and often think I'm not cut out for this life without getting too precious about it although I do think life can be a wonderfully enriching thing and is worth living, I'm stuck in this bubble drifting aimlessly about. I'm either too intense or feel empty and my concentration is getting worst and worst. I've tried concentration pills but they don't seem to be helping.