[bobspero]

I have been with the employer for over two decades, sometime around 2006 I was asked to transfer to another office. A temporary desk was setup for me in my bosses office and a strong bond was formed. Long story short after 4 yrs in the same room with this person I was asked to participate in an unethical scam that would have defrauded the company and the constant saying of “if anyone finds out we will loose our jobs” was killing me, his way of threating keep your mouth shut. The weight of either breaking trust with this person or putting my livelihood at risk pushed me over the edge, this person was manipulative and self centered . I finally said I could not do it, I called my HR person that night and just spiraled out of control on how my boss was being abusive, threating but never mentioned the scam, I could not break trust. The very next day we were both infront of the HR person as he expressed concerns of my behavior to my boss, knowing me the way he did, he saw where the conversation was going, and started make jesters that only he and I developed from sharing an office for such a long time tapping of his foot, winking, eyebrow raising. I just broke out saying I want the desk removed and I want out of the corner. I felt hidden away, held back and shadowed by him, he had full control of me.
So the mind games began. Will he make attempts to discredit me saying it was my idea if he thought I was going to HR about the scam. I had thoughts of paranoia thinking my phones tapped, I was being watched, my emails at work were being monitored, pure anxiety. I took the next day off to unwind, at around 5PM I received a call from my HR person asking how I was, I am sure he was expressing genuine concern but I flipped out thinking my boss was attacking my credibility, why ask how I was doing, I was not in the office that day what would lead you to think I was not well, after the phone call I just lost it, it was a full blown psychotic episode where I required hospitalization, was locked up in the psyc ward for two weeks. The entire time thinking my boss put me there and while locked away proved that my word was devalued and it was his word over mine if I told.

When I returned to work I informed the HR rep what was happening and what I was asked to participate in, investigation was conducted and being it was all talk no recourse was taken yet he saw fit to keep me under him. The mental abuse continued, I was moved to another building feeling isolated, abandoned, embarrassed. I was informed he went ahead with his plan, setting up a shell company and outsourced work to them. I informed HR, I literally had a printed document showing the vendor was registered to his home address, informing HR knowing him the way I did I am sure qualifications were not conducted, no nda or contract, it was a clear conflict of interest by definition. After a day HR conducted a meeting with me to inform me there was no issue with the vendor relationship, the fear, anxiety and confusion built up and I had an episode in the work place.

Over the past couple of years time went by and I was in routine treatment for depression, changes were made and the person no longer worked there. While searching for some industry related topics, a domain comes to my attention and there under a different vendor name but same contact person where portions and images from the project are now public, enough information was made public that if it was an internal employee there would be corrective action. I did my fact finding and everything I said was true no nda, no contract, these people were granted access to sensitive data with no proper background check.

All I am doing now is reliving the traumatic events, the hospitalization, how it made me hate a work place I use to love for over 20 yrs. I am asking myself at the first sign there was an ethical issue why didnt I just walk away, why didn't my employer do more to protect me.

I can not accept my mental state over the last four years was self inflicted........

[kaliope]

hi bobspero
i wouldnt blame yourself. you were responding to authority and friendship. you did the right thing by reproting but your felt trapped in the middle and didnt know what to do. that broke you. i hope you are in counseling to deal with this trauma. welcome to psych central. you will find we have several forums where you can post about your concerns and receive feedback from other members. you will get a lot of support here. again, welcome

[sideblinded]

bobspero, Hello and welcome to PC.

I think you are being too hard on yourself. I mainly want you to know that we are here for you if you need help in getting around this site. Best wishes here at PC.

Im sorry you've gone through a lot of rollercoasters...a hostile work environment is exhausting in my experience but I've not gone through anything like you've mentioned..I hope you find PC helpful for your healing

[CANDC]

Welcome to Psych Central. Sorry to hear you have been through high stress levels. You really not to blame. You were trying to survive at your job. The HR person may have been trying to cover themselves from intimidation. The instinct to survive usually over rides every thing else.

What is commendable to me is that you did go to HR and did go through hospitalization and did stick up for your rights.

None of us can change the world and how it does business. I have come to the point where I only think I can change my own thinking and attitudes.

Feel free to private message me or any community liason by left clicking on their name underlined in blue to the left of the post and selecting Send a private message to .....[their name]. We are here to listen.

You are not alone. There are many nice, caring people here.

There are many forums here at Psych Central
http://forums.psychcentral.com

After 5 posts you can do the Chat Room
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I try to get exercise, yoga and other gentle stretching exercises and meditation to help me get started in the morning.