[Khione]

I didn't know where to shove this post, I hope here is okay.

I have a major issue with crying. Well, maybe it's not a major issue, but it definately annoys me and frustrates the living hell out of me. It also affects what I say and when I say things (how I feel etc).

I've noticed I seem to have an inability to cry unless I'm with my boyfriend. Even when I'm on my own, it feels like my guard is up and unless something happens whilst I'm on my own, I wont cry. Not even if I am reminded of a past trauma, not even if I stress about college or work. But all of the above causes me to burst out into tears at the snap of a finger when I'm with my boyfriend. Which makes me think; I must have some form of a guard or a barrier up preventing myself from crying and feeling vulnerable unless I feel safe and secure (i.e. with my boyfriend).

I'd usually be fine with this, ya' know.. who really want's to cry when they're on their own or in front of people. Well, if you haven't properly cried in about a year (except from a few times with your partner) it starts to feel very much like I'm a volcano about to erupt any second.. though I know I'm not because apparently I wont let myself (cry).

My issue with this is that when I'm talking to my therapist, or learning support lady at college, or my mum.. I feel like they aren't going to take me seriously when I talk about something usually upsetting. And I get those times when I can't cry in front of my boyfriend.. so he thinks I'm annoyed or just "not talking to him" when in reality, all I want to do is hug him and cry but I physically can't. I could sit and think about all the bad things that have happened or could happen.. but nothing.

It's the same when I have an anxiety attack. I feel like I need to cry, I feel like it would help me release all of the built up emotion. When I have an anxiety attack, I feel like that volcano about to erupt anyway, and so not being able to cry and lessen that internal pressure I have bubbling away... well it's driving me insane.

Has anyone else experience similar things and have you overcome it? How can I get myself to just feel secure enough to cry whilst I'm laid in bed and stuff like that.. (I know feeling safe and secure wont come over night, but I want to at least be able to cry whether I feel safe/secure or not).

[possum220]

Hello Khione.

You are not alone in your inability to cry. Even when I do get teary at home the tears rarely come out of my eyes. I seem to only be able to cry at my P'doc's and T's. Even then it isn't often but the last couple of times the crying was like a damn had burst.

Some-how the part of us that can feel has been shut down for awhile. If you don't think your therapist will take you seriously then it is time to get another therapist. You need to be able to be heard.

It has taken me years to get back some sense of sadness (instead of being numb all the time) with therapy. I know I haven't answered you question, but I just wanted to let you know you are not alone.

[jaynedough]

I have a similar problem. It worried me that people would think I wasn't grieving when my parents died. Sometimes I'll start to cry and then it shuts down. I am more able to cry when I'm alone. I tend to not have"normal" reactions to emotionally charged events.

Some of it may have to do with family history. I lost an older brother when we were still in single digit ages. My mom never could cry after that. Not until about 40 years later.

Have you tried "practicing" with really sad movies? Especially the ones that end tragically? Also, have you discussed this with your bf? Maybe he can help you learn to be more emotionally vulnerable with others.