[Ihani]

Right now I'm so in love with someone that it's hard for me to type this. My heart is pounding and my stomach is in knots and I would do anything at all for him. I love him so much I wish I were dead because I can't have him. It's not physically possible. He's been dead over over two decades.

This happens every so often, where I'll suddenly get very, very, very intense feelings for a certain person, my favorite celebrity in this case, so much so that I want to hurt myself because of how agonizing this excessive love I feel is, but in a few hours time I'll wish they were dead. I can't even explain the rage. I get so angry and I rip down pictures and throw away cherished items and delete files the I associate with them, and if it's a friend I'll block them on social media because I just can't STAND the IDEA of them. Like with the person I'm in love with right now - int he past when I started hating him, I would hate him so much I couldn't even use the pronouns he/his/him/himself because those are the pronouns he uses.

These cycles usually go unnoticed by others because they happen at night when I'm in the privacy of my room but they get so unbearable. In my rages I often end up hitting and scratching myself because I can't stand them or myself. Any idea what this could be related to? Is this something I should talk to a mental health professional about?

[avlady]

i think you definately should explain this to a professional, before you hurt yourself or maybe even others. i am concerned for you and hope you find the problem or reason you do this.maybe a doc and t could help?

[Frankbtl]

Hi Ihani,

My thinking is..........when you have real intense feelings for someone, it can hurt really badly that you can't be with them/get to know them more/spend time with them, right??
And they're in the middle of those feelings, they're part of all that hurt, so I can understand if that turns towards negative feelings towards them for you. And maybe you're hating them as well because they've made you feel so vulnerable, and you need to push them away?? Not easy being that vulnerable
And maybe we can throw in there feelings of intense frustration with the anger too??
And........I don't know, this is just a possible, maybe people have hurt you in the past when you've "let them in" so perhaps turning around those extremely good feelings towards people is a kind of a defense.......you don't want to be let down by them???
The hating yourself can all be linked in too, like maybe you hate yourself for "letting them in", for wishing/dreaming/hoping, for being so vulnerable, maybe you're even thinking that "you're not good enough" that you're not/can't be with some of them???
So.........I think you're right, a professional might be able help you with the feelings you've been having............although maybe you could come up with some reasons and ways of addressing your feelings as well, maybe by talking openly with people close to you???
Because you do deserve warm, satisfying, mutually caring, mutually loving connections/friendships/relationships in your life...........and for those "out of reach" e.g. celebrities then if maybe you can find those more "enriching" experiences/connections???
Really well done for reaching out for help with this, and please don't stop reaching.



Alison

[(JD)]

Love and hate are not opposites. Apathy is the opposite to either... but you care soooo much... yet obviously are not having your relationship needs met.