Does anyone else have trouble growing up?

Hello all I'm new to this never really posted in a forum I'm 37 yrs old I have 2 boys 5 and 6 and I'm a single mom living on disability with my mom bc I can't hack it alone. In the past 5 yrs I've been in and out of mental wards and rehabs and have a major issue with irritability and anger and depression I h8 it I'm always yelling at my kids and I never want to do anything unless it's 4 me like gambling playing games on my phone smoking cigarettes drinking coffee watching TV as long as I don't have to interact with ppl on their terms only if I want to communicate or do something my kids ask me to play with them but it usually ends up with me yelling at them or if it's physical I'm overweight with a bad back so I get tired easy so I just don't do anything at all and their father has nothing to do with them as well as any of my or his family so basically my kids are left to play video games bc they would rather play those than play with their toys I do enjoy arts n crafts wit th ed m but they like me to do the more physical stuff I can't really afford to do anything that costs money n then there's the fact that the majority of my teeth r gone n I'm embarrassed n I don't want to embarrass them I can't afford dental work bc medicare doesn't cover it n I don't have enough money paycheck to paycheck for the necessities let alone extra for dental work I'm somewhat happy bring single n really want nothing to do with their piece of crap dad but I'd like 4 him to have something to do with them idk I just don't want to b mad anymore or sad anymore I don't want to end my life bc then my kids would think that their mom and dad both didn't want them n that's not the case yes life was "easier" without them but I couldn't imagine life without them I love them so much but I can't show them my oldest son 6 won't even kiss me anymore n my youngest is getting to the same point I don't want them to think I don't love them but I can't grow up n b responsible I try n I fail n it makes me feel worse

you just described every addict i know. doesnt make it any easier, but you are definitely not alone.

but i am guessing you know this if you have been to rehab... those places are like going back to grade 4!

Yeah I do. But didn't someone once say "become as child"?

become as child?

Wow it really is I h8d high school so bein in those places n then bein in places wit my kids was awful it just makes me sad especially in the all female places that others don't try n help like reach out instead they try to belittle u and when u in a better place than them or vice versa don't be condescending embrace a sister shoot

when i was in shelters and whatnot i found that women would judge others only through their own insecurity... but yeah, it wasnt pleasant.

This is meant to help,so don't take offense. Working on thought
you can't fix what you don't know is broken,try and search for
info on the 'Adult-Child' concept,as you will never grow up
until you wake up. Good luck!

I don't take offense at all I do know it's a problem though and I'm definitely going to look into "adult-child concept" thank u for ur insight! !!