[SoScorpio]

This is driving me crazy. I can't make up my mind. Just hours ago I had decided that I don't really need a diagnosis, I should just go to therapy to help my interpersonal skills and learn not to freeze up when under stress.
But every day I realize there are more and more things that I didn't even consider a symptom, or that could be symptoms of multiple things, or that I just don't understand at all.
Who do I go to for a diagnosis? I've never sought one before, ever since I've been an adult making my own appointments I just go to therapy to talk. I guess I should see a psychiatrist? But I somehow feel it'd be rude or something to go in and tell them all I want is a diagnosis. Or like they'd tell me I'm looking for an easy answer. Which I guess I am, I'm just so sick of not knowing what's going on with me.

I know it's horrible but sometimes I find myself envying my schizophrenic roommate, because at least she has a diagnosis. Something pretty firm, that likely causes most of her problems, even if she has other things undiagnosed.
All I've been diagnosed with is anxiety, depression, and OCPD. But somehow those don't seem to cover my symptoms anymore. I have conversations with people in my head, usually things I want to say but am afraid to. Sometimes I can get really nasty, since I know I'm not really saying these things. But knowing I really feel that way makes me ashamed sometimes. I try to guess every possible answer someone could have to what I say, but I'm always wrong. I feel an almost overwhelming urge to share almost every thought I have. If my boyfriend uses a frustrated tone with me, I'll spend the rest of the day upset, usually starting with anger, which deflates into depression. The smallest things can ruin my day. Today that happened and I felt I could barely function. A customer came into my shop and I had a hard time faking a smile, and then got paranoid that my smile was so fake I looked insane. I see a customer pull up outside and I want to run and hide. Sometimes when I have to wake up early in the morning I cry for no reason. I can't get out of my head. I haven't had a true friend I wasn't also dating in almost 10 years. I want to have a close friend who I'm not involved with, but I don't think anyone wants to be my friend, and when anyone seems to, something and nothing always happens. We drift away or my opinion of them changes or I just accept that no one wants to open up to me the way I want to open up. Sometimes I feel like I'm so different from other people we're almost a different species, then other times I'm surprised at how well I manage to look and feel normal. I don't address people by their names if I can avoid it. I'm sensitive to stimuli, I'm afraid of driving because there's too much going on, if a large truck passes me when I'm walking on the sidewalk I shrink away, things that tick or click or blink distract me to the point of madness.
Lately I'm so frustrated with all of this that my frustration keeps manifesting in moments of acute rage where I just want to throw and break things to relieve the tension, and because everything seems so unfair. If I have an episode of anxiety, depression or rage early in the day, even after it fades I feel melancholy and unmotivated for the rest of the day.
Worst of all, for some reason I have a really hard time making appointments. I don't know why. I can write down phone numbers of the places I want to go, but when I get a day off I always find a reason not to make it. "I'll do it later," "I need to find out what days I can get off work," then when I do find out, I tell myself that if I make the appointment my boyfriend will be mad about the day I chose, since he's the only other employee at the shop. When I ask him what day I should do it, he keeps telling me it doesn't matter, but later that changes sometimes. And I just have this aversion to talking on the phone, and combine that with my weird aversion to scheduling appointments, and it takes me months to schedule something I've planned. Not to mention at the moment I have mental health, dental, optometry, and podiatry appointments I need to make, and I don't know which I should do first. And we totaled our car so I have to bus everywhere, which also makes me want to just not make appointments.

I'm just so tired of feeling this way. It shouldn't exhaust me to have a two-minute conversation with a customer, the same things I say every single day, but even allowing someone to see and hear me sometimes feels like an invasion. I just wish they'd leave me alone. Sometimes I feel so bad that when I see a car passing by the front window I start muttering or even shouting, "Don't come here, don't come here, don't come here, leave me alone, just leave me alone, just go away, go away goawaygoawaygoaway."

Usually I feel much better when I'm at home. I can handle anything with the arsenal of books and video games I have, with access to lockable doors and a shower and food and water. But lately I've even been experiencing rage at home, because we have a horrible roach problem and I've reached my limit on dealing with it. I am convinced it's mostly because of our roommate, who leaves food and dishes and trash in her room for way too long. And even if it isn't her "fault" that we have the roaches, I am sure, and sure I'm not being crazy for this one thought, that she's the reason we have such a hard time getting rid of them. We've had pest control come by, we bought our own spray, we're keeping the sink clear of dishes, but it doesn't seem to matter. And I end up having angry conversations with her in my head, because with her my non-confrontational nature reaches an extreme. I'm afraid to say anything to her lest it set her off, or give me bad feelings. Plus all the times I have managed to say something about it seem to amount to nothing. I know SZs have a hard time with cleanliness, but it doesn't stop me being mad. I just find it really really REALLY hard to believe that she always "forgets" about trash, that she doesn't know exactly what she's doing every time she leaves a dirty, unrinsed dish in an otherwise spotless sink, with the dishwasher feet away with the little sign I made facing out saying "Dirty".
So the other day I decided to hell with it, getting rid of these horrible pestilential bugs is more important than my feelings of being treated unfairly, so I'm just going to get all dishes out of the sink every night, or at the very latest the next morning. The problem with that is there will undoubtedly still be dishes and trash in her room. So I tried to find a way to deal with that beyond sneaking in every day. I figured she at least deserves to know I'm going to do it. And I thought, maybe the best way would be to ask her what we can do to help her keep that stuff out of her room. And I fully expect her to say "I don't know", which is what she says to almost any important question. And at that point I can implement my idea, since she has none, and ask whether she'd rather I come in when she's home or when she's not. But like I said, conversations never go the way they do in my head. Maybe this will be the one time out of fifty that she'll actually have an idea, and it won't be something I'll want to do. Well then, I think, I'll try her idea anyway, and when it doesn't work, revert to mine. I can come up with contingency plans for everything, but when it comes down to it, I can rarely force myself to start. Sometimes it's so bad, I'll be sitting in the same room with her and wanting to say something and it feels like there's physically something in my throat stopping me.
And the really scary thing is that a lot of her delusions center around telepathic communications. She told me a year ago that she hears my voice in her head, making scathing remarks, saying horrible things. Sometimes I wonder if she doesn't hear the conversations I'm having in my head with her. Except the things she hears aren't about mundane things like dishes and cleanliness, in her head I make comments about her personality and physical appearance, and things that are just characteristically not me. But sometimes I'm sitting there thinking of what I want to say, and she's sitting there in silence, and the tension builds in me until I want to scream, and I get this crazy feeling that she knows it, that she can feel the rage coming from me, and by not telling her what it's really about I'm only making things worse. But I hate confrontation, and even on good days I sometimes just have this unexplainable feeling that I don't want to talk to her, that it will make me feel things I don't want to, or ruin my day. On those days I get tense even knowing she's in the house, because I'm afraid she'll come out of her room and I'll be obligated to speak, or else seem like a *****.
Anyway that rant got way out of hand, the point of that was even my safe place, my home, doesn't feel so safe with these disgusting little invaders, and I'm trying to focus my energy on them and making the house nicer, but all this other stuff keeps getting in the way.

Most of this was just venting all that's on my mind... not exactly what I meant to do in the first place, but I needed it.

Any advice on where to go from here?

[DiskoPlague]

Man do I know the feeling...=/

[TerriLynn]

SoScorpio, I TOTALLY understand. Several things, I also want a diagnosis. I want to know what the problem is so that it can be fixed. I am a very linear thinker and that is what makes sense to me. I just started therapy so that is one of the things I asked him was if he will give me an actual diagnosis so that I can check the box and know what the problem actually is. He wasn't real clear about that, he said that it could change over time, blah blah blah, so yeah, I feel your frustration.

I have recently discovered the CPTSD diagnosis and it makes complete sense to me and I have decided myself that that is what I have. Because it covers a multitude of things like depression, anxiety, attachment issues, and more.

I really identify with a lot of the things you are saying. A lot of it actually does sound like depression and anxiety. The not being able to set an appointment, I am so totally there. I know why, because if I make the appointment, if I am feeling lower than usual, I don't want to go! And because right now, things are so unpredictable, it is impossible for me to make appointments, I don't want to feel obligated to go if I don't feel like it, and these are all very strong emotions, not just procrastination, not just, bleh, I don't want to, but a visceral, I CANT. That is from the depression.

The fear/anxiety of dealing with customers and even the conversation with your roommate, that is all depression. The ruminating about it all, depression.

The conversations in your head. OMG! That is what I do. I will plan out the conversation that I have to have with someone over and over, with all the possible diversions in the conversation, the different responses, all of it. It is EXHAUSTING! For me, this comes from my childhood and the abuse, the unpredictability, I had to be prepared for just about anything when I walked in the door. Also, a touch of obsessiveness, the freezing up, all so familiar, all of this combined is CPTSD. So if you do have a history of abuse or trauma in your past, this is something you might consider reading about.

With everything going on in your head, in your home and life, it is no wonder you feel overwhelmed and exhausted and about to explode.

[PumpkinPieHead]

First of all, a hug

A trained psychiatrist is what you need, good luck, please check in often.

[Permacultural]

Psychologists actually have more access to diagnostic resources than psychiatrists. You might try a PhD or PsyD that does psych testing.

[SoScorpio]

Thanks guys. I guess I really do need to make an appointment. I know I feel so much better once I do it, I don't know why it's so hard to sit down and do.
I am on Welbutrin already and it seemed to help for about a month but things are getting worse again.

[PumpkinPieHead]

Meds are funny that way! Don't worry , you got this

[KarenSue]

Hello, SoScorpio,

You most definitely needed to get that out. Congrats at your courage.

I do not have the information or experience to comment on your situation. I did notice that you write splendidly.
KarenSue

[SoScorpio]

Originally Posted by KarenSue

Hello, SoScorpio,
I did notice that you write splendidly.
KarenSue

Ha, thanks. I'm usually better actually, this was kinda all over the place.
Writing I can do. Talking to people in person I suck at.

[bebogirl16]

First of all, I am sorry to hear that you go through all of this.
But also, it was really refreshing for me to read your story.
You are a very good writer, and you seemed to write down a lot of what I'm going through as well.

I am also looking for a diagnosis because I am frustrated with not knowing whats going on in my own head.
I finally made an appointment to see a therapist, so I guess thats a start.
Though I too tend to cancel a lot of appointments because the responsibility of them makes me really anxious.

Do keep us updated on what you find out, and I hope you can find some answers.