I didn't sleep last night even though I had a "good" day yesterday. I turned out the light and laid here for four hours and it seems that with each minute that passed I became more and more terrified. Of death. And yet I felt as if I were trying to force myself into having a heart attack. A few days ago I wrote here that I wasn't afraid of death.

I'm not doing the things that I should be doing to maintain my physical health. I haven't taken my insulin in months, I don't eat the food that my caregiver buys for me because I don't even want to spend 4 minutes to microwave a meal, it's 53° in my bedroom but I can't reach my thermostat and the neighbor who used to change it for me has been dead for two weeks, for months and months I've been having what I can only call olfactory hallucinations (I don't know if that's possible but I know that I'm smelling things that my caregiver can't smell), and I'm paranoid.

Paranoia is something new to me. I see my therapist tomorrow and I don't know what to tell him. I feel like I've a bundle of sins that I need to confess but I've a sudden fear of the confessional.

I've come up with two different possibilities of what may be behind how I feel. If either are true, and both are possible, then it doesn't really matter what I say or do, does it? You know that I'm trying to come up with a third possibility. This paranoid feeling has two or more divergences and I'm frightened of each because each is so... I can't think of the word. Not common... stereotypical. That's it – the explanations for what I feel are stereotypical of paranoia that I feel that I'm just not thinking clearly.

Most of what I've just written I would never tell my doc but he either knows or it doesn't matter. I was looking for an iPad keylogger but something happened Friday with my case manager that makes me think that there is already a keylogger installed on one of my devices and that it can collect data from all of my devices. Yesterday I dismissed that as stereotypical paranoia (being spied upon). During the night, though, I realized that it would explain a number of things that have been going on and that it fits a pattern that I've noticed of being tracked across the Internet, having my messages deleted or edited, etc.

What's the ancient meme about paranoia? Something like 'just because I'm paranoid doesn't mean that everyone is not out to get me'? Something like that. There are many small examples that, woven together, make one of my explanations much, much more feasible.

My second explanation is metaphysical, more abstract, than the first. If it's correct then I need not explain it. But it's more difficult to test. It's not as if I could catch anyone off guard.

I keep going on and on and on... It's not so easy to entertain myself or to fill my days when I don't know who might be reading each word that I type. I'm just ready for it all to be over. Maybe it is and no one has let me know.

No questions here. I'm not really sure why I come here and write any longer. This ride is making me ill and I think that my all day pass is close to expiring.

Hi ciderguy,

I know you've said that you've given up, but the fact that you're posting tells me that you do want things to get better. There is a sense of hope amid all the despair.

I'm not going to write a whole bunch of flowery words, sentences and paragraphs; I'll just tell you that I do care.

[Skeezyks]

Hello ciderguy: I struggle with a bit of paranoia from time-to-time. I do think that one aspect of paranoid thinking is that it becomes... not "easy"... but "easier"... I guess I'd say... to detect patterns that seem to support the paranoid thinking... if that makes any sense. The human brain, as we're told, is wired to perceive patterns. (It's what makes it possible for some people to see the face of Jesus in a grilled cheese sandwich...) And for those of us who struggle with paranoia, I suspect there is a predilection to perceive patterns that support our paranoid thinking. So, from that perspective, it can become a vicious circle.

Of course, not being able to sleep doesn't help either. I often have periods of time, in the wee hours of the morning (2 or 3 a.m.), when I wake up & can't get back to sleep. Some of the thoughts that go through my head during those periods of time are some of the most troubling I have.

[SearchingforMe]

Ciderguy, I am sorry for the sleepless nights and the possibly paranoia. I hope you chose to tell your therapist what was going on, but even more, I hope it ceases. I also see hope in your post, bease it shows reach in toward something....a solution, or a bit of understanding or empathy. I add my caring and concern to that of "kindness", though I wonder if it will be of benefit to you, since I am an unknown here. Perhaps you could get your caregiver to set the thermostat at a more comfortable position, btw, and perhaps knowing that we are rooting for you will help you to get the motivation to microwave a meal.....or perhaps you need more active care, temporarily, if that is an option? Take care.