I started writing the late on Monday 15th I think. I know that the last was written just after eating all they have. So it may make no sense. Back to Monday 15 Apr 2015

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I had a very confusing appt with my therapist this morning and I feel more suspicious this moment than at any other time in my life. I'm afraid of cracking up and never being able to return. I need to be around someone but I'm afraid. I'm not schizophrenic but do have a diagnosis of Schizoaffective but the reason that I'm posting here is because of the psychosis tag. One of my current labels is MDD with psychotic features but those psychotic features have never been so strong before. I'm not certain that they are psychotic anythings. I did get an increase in the generic IR Seroquel today and I think that I know why. I'm just terrified at the moment.

I've been keeping secrets from everyone I think. My memory is so shot that I can't keep up with what or to whom I've written or said things. I can't find words to explain things. I was almost unable to speak today because I'm not talking very often and my dry mouth gets so dry that I can't speak.

The secrets that I told him today aren't all of them or even the worst. I felt like I was verbally stumbling and I just started blurting out a few that, I guess, have been most prominent lately. I've already made a note that I'm writing this msg today because I don't want to forget. I haven't been able to understand a lot of things lately and that's why I'm writing here I suppose, hoping that someone with more experience could help me. And a need to confess,I think. Not sure about that. I'm not sure where to start. Maybe with the first to come up.

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I was just near to flipping when I wrote the above yesterday. I had a long, long nights sleep and I still feel a little groggy, which I imagine could happen to anyone going from 600mg to 800mg overnight.

So.

#1 – I have been inventing another personality for myself. I think that I've been open about that here. I don't know. I'm just now really wondering why. I can't come up with a first name for him. I've complied a growing list of information on him, from birthday to SS#, on and on. He's 27 years old, married two years and in a very happy marriage to his high school sweetheart, Nancy. Long story.

Anyway, I fleshed him out and got on one of the larger websites. he's quite a character. It took me 6 months (8.?) to go public with him and he's been "live" for 3-6 months. He's me, of course, a younger me. When I started, he was 26 his birthday (in November) put him at 27 and that's when he really began to look for adult, but not obscene, forums. He's so very much in love with his wife, he's happy. I would call my creation a way of coping with old age and regrets.

My therapist didn't make much of the conscious attempt to create a new personality and assured me that it was a fairly common experience amongst those with my disorders. So one SECRET down and no surprises.

I've been writing this for at least 3 days and I am having difficulty completing even oven one sentence. Before I fall asleep again.

But I fell asleep again. It's strange that just a 200mg increase in Seroquel could make me so darned sleepy.

Present tense, days without sleeping, strange sorts of voices and then I'll sleep. My auditory hallucinations began last year, as in 1999, with hearing radio talk shows. Same this time. But wth this crop of voices, I could sense where they were coming from. At first they were scattered around my apartment as in the past but maybe 3+ months the speaker or some radio component inside of my cable modem. One day I sat in front of my big computer in the den and the news was coming on and the voices were definitely coming out of the modem box. And the modem is the radio and that's a little unreasonable, but not like crazy unreasonable. In mid-late January, I switched from from Bright House cable to AT&T U-Verse for my wireless and home services. New modem, same radio functions.

I can't make myself not-believe that which I believe and that I have tested. I've done everything that I know of to try to disprove the fact that both modems are the source of the voices that I hear. It's not a 24/7 operation nor something which I can turn on or off. If I unplug the modem and put it in the bathroom then the bathroom is the source of the radio/voices.

I went for so long denying the reality of what I've heard to this point of acceptance accepting it that it's a relief to know that I can just sit back and hear the music, the sports, the weather, etc. Nice to definitively know fact from fiction.

There are so many bombs that I could drop but I'm getting a bit unaware so this will be the only one that I will post at the moment.

My dad was a fighter pilot in the Navy during WWII.
Returning home from the war, he had a part-time job flying passenger with a small commercial outfit.
My dad had access to helicopters and he used to pick me up from school in a small helicopter.
I have a photo of my dad dressed in full fighter pilot gear.

My dad never piloted any sort of aircraft (although he was in the Navy during WWII). So he could never have flown commercial or flown helicopters. I now believe that I never saw or could any photo.

I do know who was in the photo – my father's very closest friend.

The remaining stuff about my dad? All malarkey. A fiction that I created far before his death. I can't recall a time when I didn't believe these things about my dad. So these aren't some kind hero worship memories.

I need more sleep. But one last thing about my session with my psych.

He didn't freak when I told him about my time losses. That was one bit of information that I thought he would surely use to get me back into the hospital. But he had a nice explanation. I don't remember what he said but it made sense at the time.

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I thought that I may have dozed for an hour. It may have been 23 hours. 6PM – 17 Feb 2017. Yes, but that was yesterday.

I could have sworn that this was early Tuesday morning. But it's mid Wednesday afternoon.

I still don't trust my therapist nor anyone else, for that matter.

[bluekoi]

ciderguy,

You can trust Psych Central - that's why we are here!

[bathroomscrubber]

200mg increase in serquel will make you tired, I'm surprised they jumbled you that much at one time. I had a friend sleep for 2 days on 25mg. I have Terrible side effects with serquel. So I do not take it anymore, however I was on 1200mg at one point. Was like night of the living dead. Have you tried looking for a different therapist if you don't trust this one? I find trusting your therapist gets you better results. Having made up or imagined memories, that is a strange one for me also. I keep forgetting to tell my therapist about that. Many times I have told someone a story from my childhood only to find out it was bs. Things that really don't even matter. But I remember them like they were real. I try not to think too much on anything anymore, because it seems to make it much worse. I hope you can feel you have people you can trust and talk to here

[DisfunctionJunction]

The Guide is Definate; Reality is frequently inaccurate. Lots of bizarre personalities and stuff come outta of me... Esp. When my sleep is off. I don't believe I invent the persons. They only feel the need to name and explain themselves when outsiders notice them. So much idk. Have to rely on others accounts and my broken sleep dreams. That's the only time any of them contact me directly.... Cept my opposite split...we used to talk all the time but I haven't heard from her lately, it's lonely...the little girl who has been playing hide and seek in the dream woods almost every night for over 2 was now has told me that the pretty lady sleeps like a princess.. She can not wake up I only get bits and pieces from this one she is elusive and won't even tell me her name I chase her every night. Mostly she laughs and runs when I try to question her. When she does answer it is hard to impossible to hear cuz the noise from the battle cannons at the edge of the woods is deafening and if I get to catching her the wolf shows up to carry her away. It is her guardian... I know she has something important to tell me... I guess I'm not ready to know yet. Yes this is fantasy and fairy land, but this is the little girl s perception, not mine. I have been rereading all my old story books though, hoping to remember whatever I forgot long ago... Unfortunately all I have remembered is my worst true reality... HELL. Born and raised in demon torment and scorching hellfire. The walls have been starting to get wavy from the extreme heat again... The facade is fading. I got comfortable and forgot..which makes me primed for new torture cycle. I gotta find the right question for the girl in the dream wood. She may be my only chance out.... I hear the battle starting whip means sleeptime. The game is afoot!

[bathroomscrubber]

Originally Posted by DisfunctionJunction

The Guide is Definate; Reality is frequently inaccurate. Lots of bizarre personalities and stuff come outta of me... Esp. When my sleep is off. I don't believe I invent the persons. They only feel the need to name and explain themselves when outsiders notice them. So much idk. Have to rely on others accounts and my broken sleep dreams. That's the only time any of them contact me directly.... Cept my opposite split...we used to talk all the time but I haven't heard from her lately, it's lonely...the little girl who has been playing hide and seek in the dream woods almost every night for over 2 was now has told me that the pretty lady sleeps like a princess.. She can not wake up I only get bits and pieces from this one she is elusive and won't even tell me her name I chase her every night. Mostly she laughs and runs when I try to question her. When she does answer it is hard to impossible to hear cuz the noise from the battle cannons at the edge of the woods is deafening and if I get to catching her the wolf shows up to carry her away. It is her guardian... I know she has something important to tell me... I guess I'm not ready to know yet. Yes this is fantasy and fairy land, but this is the little girl s perception, not mine. I have been rereading all my old story books though, hoping to remember whatever I forgot long ago... Unfortunately all I have remembered is my worst true reality... HELL. Born and raised in demon torment and scorching hellfire. The walls have been starting to get wavy from the extreme heat again... The facade is fading. I got comfortable and forgot..which makes me primed for new torture cycle. I gotta find the right question for the girl in the dream wood. She may be my only chance out.... I hear the battle starting whip means sleeptime. The game is afoot!

My goodness how this makes so much sense. I think you are on the right path. And you are getting close. I just experienced something very similar. Somehow you will figure out what you need to do to be ready to open yourself to the answer. You have to stop being afraid. At least that's what I had to do. The sleeping opposite, you don't need her right now so she sleeps so she is not a distraction from you finding your hidden secrets.

[possum220]

Seroquel is a very sedating medication. Some people are unable to tolerate it even at very low doses. You are not on a low dose. No wonder you keep on nodding off. Make sure you keep the water up so that you can stay hydrated.

Stay warm and safe.

[DisfunctionJunction]

Seroquel was one of my many failed meds. I know some ppl that it does work great for, but most of them dx'd atypical depression. I think of it as more like trazadone ( catch all sleep aid) but that's just me.

[Fuzzybear]