Another can't go on feeling. Again.

I don't plan for this to be a long message, so I'm ignoring the 'do not type' suggestion. I'm having that "I simply cannot go on living like this any longer" feeling that everyone here has probably experienced, but we do, don't we?

More and longer hallucinations, an explanation of same that simply cannot be real (I'm not important enough for it to be real), haunting (literally) depressive hallucinations, physical pain and feelings like I'm going through a drug withdrawal, panic attacks one following another, and a feeling that I will never get any relief from this overwhelming feeling that I just want to stop.

If I thought that continuing this one hour of therapy every two weeks mixed with the "conservative" drug approach would just kick in after eight months would help, I would, at least, find a little comfort. If I believed that even a month long hospital stay where "we can give you different/more drugs and observe your reactions" would help, I would sign up.

I love that month in the hospital crap; they give you meds that can take 4-8 weeks or longer to be effective yet that time is magically shortened if you're 12 miles from home. Or eating crappy food.

I lost a chunk of time between 3 and 5 this morning. Cameras show me on my iPad, letting it fall to the floor and then it looks like I'm talking. To myself, I guess.

Haven't been checking my email. No one has called. I haven't fallen into the abyss again but I'm getting closer and closer.

Having talks with the dead isn't like being at a party. I feel terror and don't know why.

I could grab ten messages from here, at random, and craft this pathetic text. It's the same thing, over and over again. I'm so sick of writing and thinking "I' that I want to go live in Anthem-land.

There's nothing to be done. Not one thing.

As I was deleting messages I did get a brief glance at a msg from someone here and I caught "voice hearers network." I found them and, as they referenced a book that I had read way back in high school, read a Newsweek article about the group. What they believe is so far from what I consider reality that it reinforced my "reasoning" for hearing voices. One woman said that she makes appointments with her voices (each having its own name) so that they won't disrupt her schedule.

Breaking into sweats. Have to change tee shirts again. Just spouting off. No questions here, no need for reply.

So happy to have met you.

Ciderguy, I just want to say...Hi.