The same result no matter what

I wanted to post again because I have been giving the main point of nickname's thread some further thought.

This can get you started in the meditation practice,

And I also can point you towards a book on meditation,
http://www.amazon.com/The-Mind-Illum.../dp/0990847705

I also agree with DechanDawa about seeking proper meditation guidance, but don't think that you have to wait until your instructed, you can get a head start now.


I had something much longer here, but I think it was wiser to get you more interested in the idea of meditation.

I think that once you get underway with meditating you will not feel that the whole thinking thing is not so automatic.

Try to expect nothing, this will not be an over night transformation. I suggest try moving in feet rather than miles, you might even prefer moving in inches.

This is for both cider guy and nickname, please excuse if too lengthy , was touched -May I ask a question of cider guy? Is the reason you don't have the caregiver come more often? would it help to have someone different each time or does that mess with your head? Is it possible you need a new caregiver , because just starting out with the one right person to GIVE YOU CARE in a real way may bring you back from the pit of despair and hopelessness. I struggle every day , every day , to choose to continue to breathe air, it is always a choice and you are here for a purpose, I hope you begin to become curious as to what that is- because you are indeed special , and nickname , if you get to read this too, I sure hope you catch a glimpse , and realize you are being robbed of beautiful places . Nature, any kind, is beautiful , and I go there,, and I pretend that I am invisible, that no one can see me, because nature soothes the soul, and I will sometimes go there to make a memory , a picture , for the nights to ward off the the other views in my mind. Hope that is an idea for you both. We are still here, just for today, may you both find a smile for your heart , it's yours and only yours to nurture and care for..



]Although I don't have any particular board that I visit, I'm in bed with my iPad 99% of my waking hours. I have a caregiver who is supposed to be here 3-4 days a week but I generally only have her come once a week. The only time that I leave my apartment is when I go to therapy or another doctor's appointment.

So I can go weeks seeing a single person a week.

Yesterday, when I was either having the oddest and most frightening panic attack ever or having genuine physical reactions (and I still don't know which), I wondered if I might be dying of loneliness. I don't think that's really possible but, at the time, with my mind rushing, it seemed plausible.

I'm unable to find transportation that is both affordable and reliable so I'm unable to work. Our metro transportation is affordable but it's a +/- 2 hour so I could, for example, go to one of the urban parks but what's the point?

I feel very much as you feel and I use the same word to describe what I feel when I consider either going out or (God forbid) having people come into my apartment: terrified. I would love to have some sort of contact with others but I'm terrified at actually taking a step towards that.

Don't become like me. I also realized yesterday that I'm beyond the point of reversing this downward spiral. Beyond help from others or helping myself. Yesterday was a milestone for me. The day that I realized that I have no hope left at all. I had just a bit previously. Or I lied to myself and others and said that I had no hope but had a smidgeon and realized yesterday that I had none whatsoever after all.

Because of my transportation issues, I've never looked into anything like book clubs or other social organizations ... or even the somewhat informal group therapies that are free an open to anyone that my therapist has recommended.

I can't really give anyone advice because I didn't find a solution to the sleep/eat/sleep/eat cycle. I failed. I gave up. All I can do is try to encourage others to make some effort to avoid ending up like me.

Of course you're depressed. I did the same that you're doing – replaced direct human societal contact with the artificial yet very real contact of segments of societal 'pockets' made up by various interests on the web.

That you would be attracted to this particular pocket isn't unusual – I was kind of shocked to see how many posts you've made since being here less than two entire months! – because this format has so much to offer. A place where you can come and anonymously share your feelings and emotions in conversations that offer more support and optimism than judgement. Of course this is a better place to be! Folks here empathize almost immediately – the welcomes are sincere, emotions are raw and open, there are feelings of belonging and acceptance and if there are 'judgements' they will gentle and well-meaning. I don't spend a lot of time here but I know that I've never read any cruel words directed any member.

I don't know a thing about you but the fact that you've been obsessed with PC for a couple of months seems a better use of technology than playing video games or becoming addicted to online pornography. I'll read some of your other messages but from what I've read here I'm assuming that you've isolated out of fear (of others? Of leaving your safe spot?), that you've recognized that you're really not comfortable in your isolation but that you feel terrorified when you think of how to socialize?

Do you know exactly what you feel and why? You may have already discussed that but if you could point me to particular threads it would keep me from going through your mountain of threads.

Call back...[/QUOTE]

Thank you guys for your posts. I really appreciate them. I read about meditation in the The Instinct of Willpower by Kelly McGonigal, and I tried it when I read the book, but I am not sure why I didn't continue. The objective was different, though; to increase the willpower, as I have had problems in maintaining my concentration on one thing. But I will try it again for the purpose of anxiety.

In the past couple of days I was more accepting of my isolation, and it felt good, and I did things. But the boundary between isolation and going out has always puzzled me: when is the time to accept yourself, and when to change? Both are challenging to me, as I don't want to remain alone all mylife, and going out is overwhelming

As for nature, actually, I go to nature frequently in the summer, and I love it. My problem is more with people; I have difficulties forming and maintaining relationships.

Why don't you set a limit for yourself like one hour, I do it all the time. That way you still get some nourishment but have time to get out where even more things can happen like checking what sort of groups meet where you are or walking or jogging outside where others are. While I was walking my son, I saw a nice gentleman sitting under a tree all alone. You are not alone and you can meet others like you--out there in common air breathing world.

Actually, I don't have problems going out per se, but rather have challenges talking to people and forming and sustaining social relationships. I can go out for hours and be around hundred of people, literally, but talk to no one, not even look at their faces. But this has discouraged me of going out.