[UnstableGoldfish]

Mandatory trigger warning

Okay so, let's start with a bit of a backstory. At the time of writing this, I am 17 turning 18 in under two months. My mother cried a lot when I was young, and my father screamed a lot (at my mother, at my sister, but especially at me). To my knowledge he never hit any of us, outside of spanking my sister and I on occasion. He's really a great guy, even if we don't get along. It is my belief that he had a rough childhood and was simply a acting out what he knew. This all culminated for the first time when I was perhaps 4, the first time my parents split. They got back together after a few months, and stayed that way until the summer before grade nine when they split permanently. I was 12, or perhaps 13. It was a clean split with little animosity. I did not cry. Everyone but me cried. I didn't cry until this year, and not about their split. I was glad, since I didn't have to see my father as much. He scared me and upset me, and I didn't ever want to be around him. I was diagnosed with severe depression with suicidal ideation and self injurious behavior. I also contracted Anorexia. I've always had a decent memory, except for something strange. My childhood. It's almost entirely grey. Some memory fragments here and there, but they don't even feel real. It's like watching the life of someone don't know and don't care for. Accurate, I suppose. I remember a man that my mother and father and other relatives insist never existed. I remember him and I remember hearing that he was dead. I cried. I always cried as a child. Extremely sensitive. All of a sudden, I lost that. I don't remember when, but my parents started asking me for their son back. I was distant., withdrawn, completely lacked empathy, angry, miserable, and loved no one. I was apathetic about every person I had ever met. Family, friends, etc. I didn't care. I was also severely socially anxious. I didn't want to be around people, especially not adults. I still have trouble making eye contact with people older than me, especially if they're angry. I started watching pornography when I was 7 and started, and I'm afraid there's no delicate way to put this, sodomizing myself. That behavior ceased in grade 8. I don't know why I did that or where I learned it, but it holds no appeal. I also, before meeting my previous girlfriend, had no interest in romance or physical intimacy. I didn't make connections. I was insecure. I remember being insecure about my body and looks since I was very young. Unusually young, especially for males. By my best estimate, 3 or 4. I used to read a lot, to the point that my parents screamed at me to stop. I did it as an escape, even at seven years old. I was always sad and disappointed when the book ended and I had to go back to real life. I feel like I haven't lived my own life because I remember almost nothing of my childhood. It's not me, those pictures aren't of me, those stories aren't about me. How could they be, I remember none of them. I feel like I've left things out, but this should suffice. Oh, one more thing. When I think about what may have happened, I start to shake. Sometimes I get tactile hallucinations of someone's knee on my chest and hand around my throat. I knoe this is a lot to take in, so thank anyone that even bothered to try. I appreciate it. So, what do you think?

[Skeezyks]

Hello UnstableGoldfish: I enjoy reading about current brain research that is being done using fMRI technology. And one thing that comes up regularly is that memory is not at all as reliable as we would like to imagine. And also much more of who we are, & what we do, is controlled by areas of the brain to which we have no conscious access than we would typically imagine. So, from that perspective, I would say that certainly there are some things going on with you that are causing you to have the emotional difficulties you've had & continue to have. However, from my perspective, I would like to suggest that it is a leap to attribute this to sexual abuse / molestation. That's not to say that it couldn't have happened. Of course it does... sadly. But, personally, I would want to be cautious about going down that road unless you have some compelling memory to support it. Certainly if you are seeing a therapist, or if you have the opportunity to see a therapist in the future, this would be something to explore with that person. I can say that I have a lot of the "symptomatology" you describe. And I'm quite certain I was never sexually abused in any way. I wish you well...

[Quarter life]

Hi UnstableGoldfish.

I am sad that you are stuggling with reconciling your childhood memories or lack of….This can cause all manner of distress. I endured dreadful trauma in my late teens, yet have only scattered memories of the events which over the years have caused me great anxiety and filled my head with numerous scenarios. I was fortunate to find a very patient and experienced psychiatrist, who spent several years helping me rebuild my psyche, enabling me to leave those fragmented memories in the past and move on with building a life in the present. He and I never once explored these lost memories, but built strategies to compartmentalise them. I no longer have the need to know what happened as I work toward stability and joy in the present….I now choose life.

Sounds very simplified when I write about this here…but a generous Therapist can help you with these issues.