Not up for a long message today. I last slept for 4 hours on Friday.

I have a new pdoc but I don't see her until the end of April. Out of 20+ pdocs in my therapist's group, she was the only one who agreed to treat me for mental problems while allowing specialists to treat me for chronic physical problems. The only things that I know about her have come from my therapist and the group's website.

She is one of the more "experienced" doctors in the group; she's older and has been in practice longer than most. I think that might be helpful – she may recall the days when taking prescribed Xanax wasn't a criminal act. Her profile says nothing about CBT, a plus to me. I think that I'm looking forward to meeting her. I'm just confused (?) over the either/or decision that has to be made between being treated for physical or mental illness. I can't be the first person to face this. Some of the things that my therapist said to me, passed along from the Psychopharmacologist, were so bizarre as to be laughable.

Any "sudden respiratory failure" is more likely to be caused by the vast number and high dosage of hypertension medications but they "recognize the need" to continue those. And the chance that "opioids may be the cause of all of (my) your mental health issues" is so unlikely that it's a true knee-slapper.

So. Over two weeks away but I've made certain that my meds list and my diagnoses/procedures list is up to date and I'm working on a brief (10 pages or less) introduction to my nightmare. I'm very nervous when meeting a new therapist/pdoc. If they're experienced, of course, they'll have their own method of getting things started. That's the point where my anxiety kicks in – the point where you have to begin to relinquish control. I don't "trust." I don't know that I'll ever trust again.

I'll still be seeing my therapist twice monthly and, in the immediate future, the pdoc once monthly (for an entire 45 minutes). I want to be able to walk into her office and say "nothing happens for long, here's what's happening to me, so what's wrong with me?" and walk out with diagnoses and pills.

I'm having a difficult time with my introduction at the "here's what's happening to me" period. I'll have to read back over all that I've retained, even coming here to see what I've written, because everything changes so rapidly.

I don't recall feeling this way previously; that everything could shift or change within an hour. My therapist is on the mood stabilizer hunt now in response to to the same or similar descriptions. I don't think of "mood swings" as going from the depths of hell during one hour and with no more than a 5 minute segue going into full hypersexual overdrive and then sideways into a numb funk.

It seems so far away and I don't know what to expect. April 28th. I wonder if I can last until then? If she's kind and understanding then I can be the same. If not? I don't want to think of that.

I'll be back before I go... of course I will.

thanks for posting the update
you should try to get some sleep before the weekend's out (it's now sunday)

hope everything goes well for you in the upcoming weeks

Originally Posted by shattered sanity

thanks for posting the update
you should try to get some sleep before the weekend's out (it's now sunday)

hope everything goes well for you in the upcoming weeks

Thanks so much. I'm going to take my bed meds at 6, maybe fall asleep by 7. Up by 6:30 tomorrow a.m.

If he says "you don't look good" again tomorrow morning, I'm going to pull the emergency stop on his electric wheelchair and leave.

Thanks.

[SearchingforMe]

Ciderguy,
Hang in there....April 28th is kind of long to wait, maybe if you journal in the meantime, about any new developments, that will keep you from having more anxiety that she won't get an accurate account, or that she might not catch everything. Hope your sleeping plan works out, that will improve things a bit, and that the next few weeks calm down and go well. Take care!

Glad to see you on here and posting more often, it does help. I've started subscribing to your threads! I always enjoy reading what you write. It's so eloquent and interesting. We have some things in common, like Catholicism..... Get some sleep, rest well and all good wishes for your appointment.

[*Laurie*]

Thanks for the update, ciderguy. 4/28 feels like a long time, but it'll fly by. I hope you're peacefully asleep by now. Your new pdoc sounds promising.

Hopefuly the wait will be worth it. I agree with those above who suggested journalling and/or compiling those thoughts you want to cover. Of course she will want to go over everything to properly assess but she should recognize and heed your 'agenda' suggestions as you proceed forward.

[Misssy2]

Originally Posted by ciderguy

Not up for a long message today. I last slept for 4 hours on Friday.

I have a new pdoc but I don't see her until the end of April. Out of 20+ pdocs in my therapist's group, she was the only one who agreed to treat me for mental problems while allowing specialists to treat me for chronic physical problems. The only things that I know about her have come from my therapist and the group's website.

She is one of the more "experienced" doctors in the group; she's older and has been in practice longer than most. I think that might be helpful – she may recall the days when taking prescribed Xanax wasn't a criminal act. Her profile says nothing about CBT, a plus to me. I think that I'm looking forward to meeting her. I'm just confused (?) over the either/or decision that has to be made between being treated for physical or mental illness. I can't be the first person to face this. Some of the things that my therapist said to me, passed along from the Psychopharmacologist, were so bizarre as to be laughable.

Any "sudden respiratory failure" is more likely to be caused by the vast number and high dosage of hypertension medications but they "recognize the need" to continue those. And the chance that "opioids may be the cause of all of (my) your mental health issues" is so unlikely that it's a true knee-slapper.

So. Over two weeks away but I've made certain that my meds list and my diagnoses/procedures list is up to date and I'm working on a brief (10 pages or less) introduction to my nightmare. I'm very nervous when meeting a new therapist/pdoc. If they're experienced, of course, they'll have their own method of getting things started. That's the point where my anxiety kicks in – the point where you have to begin to relinquish control. I don't "trust." I don't know that I'll ever trust again.

I'll still be seeing my therapist twice monthly and, in the immediate future, the pdoc once monthly (for an entire 45 minutes). I want to be able to walk into her office and say "nothing happens for long, here's what's happening to me, so what's wrong with me?" and walk out with diagnoses and pills.

I'm having a difficult time with my introduction at the "here's what's happening to me" period. I'll have to read back over all that I've retained, even coming here to see what I've written, because everything changes so rapidly.

I don't recall feeling this way previously; that everything could shift or change within an hour. My therapist is on the mood stabilizer hunt now in response to to the same or similar descriptions. I don't think of "mood swings" as going from the depths of hell during one hour and with no more than a 5 minute segue going into full hypersexual overdrive and then sideways into a numb funk.

It seems so far away and I don't know what to expect. April 28th. I wonder if I can last until then? If she's kind and understanding then I can be the same. If not? I don't want to think of that.

I'll be back before I go... of course I will.

I understand...I had to switch pdocs...although she only sees me for 30 minutes...and I don't know how she can dx anything in that period of time only seeing me 2x in the last 6 months. I read on line it can take 10 years for ONE therapist to get a full view of you as a person to make a true diagnosis. I would think that 2 years or a 1 year would be sufficient...but 1 - 2 visits...there is no way.

And the story you are typing (I just dropped one off for my new PCP). I highly doubt they will take the time to read it...at least not right there while you are present.

All I keep remembering is advice that only I can help my situation...so maybe take the 10 page letter and bullitize it into short sentences with key problems so that you can read them to her?

Originally Posted by Misssy2

I understand...I had to switch pdocs...although she only sees me for 30 minutes...and I don't know how she can dx anything in that period of time only seeing me 2x in the last 6 months. I read on line it can take 10 years for ONE therapist to get a full view of you as a person to make a true diagnosis. I would think that 2 years or a 1 year would be sufficient...but 1 - 2 visits...there is no way.

And the story you are typing (I just dropped one off for my new PCP). I highly doubt they will take the time to read it...at least not right there while you are present.

All I keep remembering is advice that only I can help my situation...so maybe take the 10 page letter and bullitize it into short sentences with key problems so that you can read them to her?

Well, since her office has my chart, there are hundreds of pages of material to read therein! I just want something short and to the point as to what's going on with me TODAY (so much different than even 6 months ago) so I won't try to give 'examples,' 'self-diagnoses,' etc. I'll be able to get it to her, via USPS, at least a week before she sees me – and I'll be attaching a current med list and a current diagnoses list so I'm hoping that she'll read those lists, at leasts.

It's only since I got out of the nursing home that I've began to understand these odd ways in which some doctors work with non-MD therapists. My therapist knows next to nothing about psych drugs – they're not even in the same office (the group has 5 offices around the city) – so I don't know how they're going to communicate; in place of something like email, they dictate letters to secretaries that are then typed and sent via post – like my dad, in the 1950-1960's. I can only pray that they have some machines more up-to-date than the earliest models of the IBM Selectrics.

When I first started seeing pdocs, you were billed for one hour but actually had 50 minutes with them. You talked to them – it was expected that they would ask questions or respond to your concerns and you would talk. Since I tend to laugh if I even smell a hint of CBT in the air, I'm not much a believer that despression with psychosis can be cured within 6-8 weeks with one hourly session per week, either.

The very first pdoc that I saw after getting out of the nursing home was overwhelmed at the number and severity of my past diagnoses and told me to get my records and we could 'talk' after he had scrutinized them but that he would prescribe X, Y & Z for me to tide me over. 15 minutes and I was out of there. And that's been my experience since that time. You can "talk" to a Ph.D. therapist for an hour, but God help you if you go over 15 minutes with M.D. pdoc.

The more I think of this, the more depressing it sounds; as if it could be. I took 30-50 pages when I went to my therapist Monday. I had highlighted the things that I needed to say because lately I get in there and my memory has been wiped. So I explained the ups and downs and sideways and coming from all directions highs and lows that can change every hour or two from manic to some kind of something that I've never felt and can't describe but with the overwhelming feeling that I'm so close to losing it completely, and he says something such as "well, you know what that is, don't you?" I KNOW WHAT 'THAT' IS??? Well, doc, the LAST time I wen't crazy, yeah, I knew what it was but I'm not really looking for that to happen again, but, no, I don't know what that is." He clues me in – the GAD and the Panic Disorder. So I'm not depressed? Oh, no you're depressed, too. MDD, with all the trimmings.

I have that 'need to know' thing going on. If I'm vomiting blood, I don't think that's a good thing and I see my GI doc who gives me some pills but before I take these pills, I ask for a clue as to what might be going on? "Um, looks like you're vomiting blood."

I agree with you about 30 minutes, 2x in 6 months! It can't be done. It can't. No matter how smart the doc, no matter how intuitive she might be, no matter if she's a pharmacotherapist (I looked it up – pretty much what it sounds like), etc., while your symptoms may be the same that they hear daily, there's no way to diagnose the way in which you may be able to to know why I've a fear of blue pick-up trucks unless you know that my grandfather was killed by the driver of a blue pick-up truck as I watched him cross the street (that's a not-true example; I tend to run on with true examples).

Because of the way that I write now I don't think that I can do bullet points, but I can do as I did Monday and highlight or underline particular phrases or sentences that I feel are important. They're all so different. The therapists and pdocs, I mean. She may have a method of beginning a relationship with a new client that's worked for her in her 30+ years of practice and may not want to hear anything that I have to say. I've had that occur.

Se may just stare at me until I say something. I've had that happen. She may ask if I'm having problems with my 'nerves.' Lord love a duck, I've had that happen (I wanted to respond with "no, it's more like female problems... I've taken opium for it previously and that works well.")

It's getting crazy. I'm getting crazy. I am never the same from one day through the next. Or one week through the next. I went on another spending spree, apparently, Monday night. It's now taking 3-5 days to get through to my therapist. I know that they want me to go into hospital but he KNOWS that's something that I FEAR. That if I can only make it outside when I have a doc appt then I'm certainly not going to call an ambulance when I spend (or before I spend) another $2,000.

I'm bent. I'm losing it. That constant fear. I loved the retort to "I feel like I'm going crazy..." – "but you didn't, did you!" "no, not this time but I have previously and it was preceded by the feeling that I was going to go crazy."

I'm just too, too manic right now. I should really spell check this or something. Nah.

You've made some great points. Thanks.