September 11, 1948 – April 26, 2016
Thomas M. H.

I haven't been able to get in touch with my full-time neighbor / part-time friend, Tom, since Friday just after lunch. His next door neighbor, Linda, and I have been calling him and she's been knocking at his door for 4 days now. We finally called the landlord and he dropped off a master key about 1 hour and 20 minutes ago and Linda and I went in and found him laying across his bed, blue and dead.

I was surprised at how quickly things moved after I called the police. After I gave them the tidbits of information that I knew (and was able to get from his Medicaid case manager) the coroner arrived and said something like "looks like natural causes" and they loaded him on a gurney and put him in a coroner's van. Over and done with in 45 minutes or so.

Tom was 67 years old, had no family, no friends and on the few occasions that we had discussed post-death plans, he had always said "just let the county bury me." Which is what's going to happen, I suppose.

He was so dark blue that the police had to ask if he was a black or white male. He was white. No telling how long he had been there. Longest rime could have been from 12:30 p.m. Friday until we found him at around 4:00 p.m. today (4 days) or 8:30 a.m. Saturday until 4:00 p.m. today (3 ½ days?). He'd been there a bit. He didn't look good. At some point he had defecated.

He was on the top floor. Linda and I came down in the last load, after the gurney. The vultures had congregated by then. Everyone asked if I was okay. I'm not sure if I am or not. Had to stay numb to get things done for the police and stuff but now, I don't know. Not in shock or anything. We'd talked so many times about having to break the door down if one or the other didn't respond after a could of days. We had the same caregiver and she called me Monday morning when she couldn't get him to come to the door or answer his phone. I was on my way to the doctor and, since he had missed a doc appt last Friday, I just guessed that he'd rescheduled for Monday without telling anyone. I was wrong.

He'd spent more than half of his life in prison. He could spin a yarn with the best of them. He had three small tattooed dots on his hand that he said signified that he was some sort of upper eschelon Hell's Angel leader. His repertoire of exciting tales was small so that he often repeated himself but on the first or second telling they were quite thrilling. He had dozens and dozens of stories about Woodstock, many of them about artists who didn't play Woodstock. He had many stories of pro football players who had seen when they played at his college, but he would have gad to have been an 11-year-old sophomore for those stories to be true. When I first met him, I would challenge some of these tales but he deflated so quickly that I just let him continue on – God knows that he wasn't hurting anyone and if it helped him to boost his ego, more power to him.

Tom wasn't in great health but I didn't think of anything that he had that was life threatening. His SSDI allowance was pitifully small but he was good at managing money and he had more cash on hand than any of the rest of us. He was Bipolar, much more manic than depressive and was so very quick to anger yet never made any sort of threatening gesture toward me. Just difficult to understand with the switchbacks.

I'll miss him. We were supposed to sit outside some this weekend, hence my call to him Saturday morning. He was to bring his new glucometer and I was going to show him how to use it.

I guess that there will be an autopsy? As I told the coroner, I only know about these things from old detective shows. They have my phone, address, etc., if they should need them. He had some sort of problems with his eyes, used two different “inhalers” daily, had hypertension and had only been recently been diagnosed with diabetes. He didn’t eat properly and smoked 2-3 packs of cigarettes daily. He never exercised. At 6’2” he weighed right at 385 lbs. Although he had no history of heart disease I can’t think of any other disease with that type of sudden and fatal onset.

It’s taken me over two hours to get this far. There are a lot of different ways of of thinking about death. My preference is not to think of them at all. Seems pointless, doesn't it? My paternal grandfather owned a funeral home. The employees were technicians. Or salespeople. Or a wily combination of both.

Tom and I had discussed the logistics of death many times. Because I had the greatest number of potentially fatal illnesses, we were both of the opinion that I would go first. I had made some small, inexpensive plans but I think that he was very serious about wanting only the county burial.

Now I’m beginning to feel sad. I very seldom saw him but we spoke on the phone 3-4 times per week; usually him egging me on to get out of my apartment, to meet him outside. He had a temper, certainly, but he was kind. I think that acknowledging someone’s kindness is the highest tribute that I can pay someone.

I just realised how much I’ll miss him. He never gave up on me. We were nothing at all alike. We got on one another’s nerves occasionally. But we were friends. At one time we were friends. I had a hope that he would be part of my recovery. He always let me know that I could call at any time.

So much more that will come to me in the next few days. I’m still numb, now. I think that I’ll just forget about the $20 that he owes me.

Does anyone know about county burials? Are there services and flowers?

I have to eat something. I wonder if there will be casseroles at the wake? Or even if there will even be a wake? I’m really sad now. I was the only person who cried earlier.

[Artchic528]

It's surreal to see the dead body of someone you knew. If you're really struggling to process the feelings and emotions, I would ask a therapist. You have my condolences.

[Angelique67]

I'm really sorry this happened. I hope it won't affect you badly. I have been in a similar type of situation three times. In one, I didn't see my friend dead, but his brother told me. In another, my long term neighbor died in a nursing home the morning after I had been to visit and I arrived with fruit and V8 juice he asked for. I was so shocked to hear he had died.
I burst out crying uncontrollably.

In another, my father had died and I wasn't meant to see his remains, but someone at the funeral home removed the lid of the coffin. I was so upset I thought I'd never stop crying and shaking.

There may have been more. It's terrifying and horrifying.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by ciderguy

September 11, 1948 – April 26, 2016
Thomas M. H.

I haven't been able to get in touch with my full-time neighbor / part-time friend, Tom, since Friday just after lunch. His next door neighbor, Linda, and I have been calling him and she's been knocking at his door for 4 days now. We finally called the landlord and he dropped off a master key about 1 hour and 20 minutes ago and Linda and I went in and found him laying across his bed, blue and dead.

I was surprised at how quickly things moved after I called the police. After I gave them the tidbits of information that I knew (and was able to get from his Medicaid case manager) the coroner arrived and said something like "looks like natural causes" and they loaded him on a gurney and put him in a coroner's van. Over and done with in 45 minutes or so.

Tom was 67 years old, had no family, no friends and on the few occasions that we had discussed post-death plans, he had always said "just let the county bury me." Which is what's going to happen, I suppose.

He was so dark blue that the police had to ask if he was a black or white male. He was white. No telling how long he had been there. Longest rime could have been from 12:30 p.m. Friday until we found him at around 4:00 p.m. today (4 days) or 8:30 a.m. Saturday until 4:00 p.m. today (3 ½ days?). He'd been there a bit. He didn't look good. At some point he had defecated.

He was on the top floor. Linda and I came down in the last load, after the gurney. The vultures had congregated by then. Everyone asked if I was okay. I'm not sure if I am or not. Had to stay numb to get things done for the police and stuff but now, I don't know. Not in shock or anything. We'd talked so many times about having to break the door down if one or the other didn't respond after a could of days. We had the same caregiver and she called me Monday morning when she couldn't get him to come to the door or answer his phone. I was on my way to the doctor and, since he had missed a doc appt last Friday, I just guessed that he'd rescheduled for Monday without telling anyone. I was wrong.

He'd spent more than half of his life in prison. He could spin a yarn with the best of them. He had three small tattooed dots on his hand that he said signified that he was some sort of upper eschelon Hell's Angel leader. His repertoire of exciting tales was small so that he often repeated himself but on the first or second telling they were quite thrilling. He had dozens and dozens of stories about Woodstock, many of them about artists who didn't play Woodstock. He had many stories of pro football players who had seen when they played at his college, but he would have gad to have been an 11-year-old sophomore for those stories to be true. When I first met him, I would challenge some of these tales but he deflated so quickly that I just let him continue on – God knows that he wasn't hurting anyone and if it helped him to boost his ego, more power to him.

Tom wasn't in great health but I didn't think of anything that he had that was life threatening. His SSDI allowance was pitifully small but he was good at managing money and he had more cash on hand than any of the rest of us. He was Bipolar, much more manic than depressive and was so very quick to anger yet never made any sort of threatening gesture toward me. Just difficult to understand with the switchbacks.

I'll miss him. We were supposed to sit outside some this weekend, hence my call to him Saturday morning. He was to bring his new glucometer and I was going to show him how to use it.

I guess that there will be an autopsy? As I told the coroner, I only know about these things from old detective shows. They have my phone, address, etc., if they should need them. He had some sort of problems with his eyes, used two different “inhalers” daily, had hypertension and had only been recently been diagnosed with diabetes. He didn’t eat properly and smoked 2-3 packs of cigarettes daily. He never exercised. At 6’2” he weighed right at 385 lbs. Although he had no history of heart disease I can’t think of any other disease with that type of sudden and fatal onset.

It’s taken me over two hours to get this far. There are a lot of different ways of of thinking about death. My preference is not to think of them at all. Seems pointless, doesn't it? My paternal grandfather owned a funeral home. The employees were technicians. Or salespeople. Or a wily combination of both.

Tom and I had discussed the logistics of death many times. Because I had the greatest number of potentially fatal illnesses, we were both of the opinion that I would go first. I had made some small, inexpensive plans but I think that he was very serious about wanting only the county burial.

Now I’m beginning to feel sad. I very seldom saw him but we spoke on the phone 3-4 times per week; usually him egging me on to get out of my apartment, to meet him outside. He had a temper, certainly, but he was kind. I think that acknowledging someone’s kindness is the highest tribute that I can pay someone.

I just realised how much I’ll miss him. He never gave up on me. We were nothing at all alike. We got on one another’s nerves occasionally. But we were friends. At one time we were friends. I had a hope that he would be part of my recovery. He always let me know that I could call at any time.

So much more that will come to me in the next few days. I’m still numb, now. I think that I’ll just forget about the $20 that he owes me.

Does anyone know about county burials? Are there services and flowers?

I have to eat something. I wonder if there will be casseroles at the wake? Or even if there will even be a wake? I’m really sad now. I was the only person who cried earlier.

woow so sorry this happened to you. if you were here in the USA an unexpected death requires certain things to happen, one of those things is the police will run an investigation including going through his personal things and doing back ground checks to locate a relative. then the relatives will be contacted. then its up to the relatives on what kind of funeral and such. if no relatives are found here in my state the morgue keeps them for a while while a thorough family tree search is done and whether or not they are a donor if they are a donor the remains go to where ever the donor card says. if no donor no relatives then the medical examiner says what happens next. usually buried at the citys expense in one of the city cemetery.

[Pikku Myy]

I would contact the coroner and police, they might have a preacher on duty that can guide you. I am so sorry you are going thru this. Big huggles to you

Yes, surreal may be an understatement – "blue" was predominant but there were purples and yellows as well. Because of my grandfather's trade, seeing dead bodies is nothing new but even my father's body, 32 years ago, had been worked on before I saw it. When Linda left the room to let the police into the building, I became fixated on his face, thinking that he would open his other eye (his right was open, bloated, red and blue) and laugh.

Death follows me, it seems. Started at the age of 4 and comes in cycles of 2 to 4 years. I meet my new pdoc Thursday - less than two days - and this will be a certain immediate topic. It was the visuals that were the most disturbing thing at first. Now I'm angry. Not at God, not at Tom, but at myself. I took for granted that he would always be there - he said he would. But when he needed the least thing done, I couldn't make it up to his apartment.

I haven't even let myself think of this emotionally; I think of how we used to joke about whose body would take the longest to be discovered and which would cause the most odor and draw the most flies. It's been warm here lately, but I suppose that last Friday must have been cool. His windows were open, and there were some 'splits' on his torso where I guess gas or something had escaped. There were larvae along there. We weren't allowed in the bedroom while the coroner was there and I didn't ask about some of the things that I saw.

The worst thing, for me (and God, but I am a selfish bastard), is that I was depending on him to help me with the social phobias, at the least. He couldn't drive because he was legally blind but we had made plans for getting out.

Everything has changed, now. I'm not certain of much of anything. I had a sliver of hope about some of my social phobias because Tom would have been there with me. I'll just have to talk to my new pdoc. I think that if she suggests hospitalization this time, I'll take it.

Thanks for the quick reply. I had some awfully good times in Charlotte

Originally Posted by Pikku Myy

I would contact the coroner and police, they might have a preacher on duty that can guide you. I am so sorry you are going thru this. Big huggles to you

I talked to my favorite priest, Fr. Bob, earlier. He'll be back in town Monday. He's been in Chicago for over a year. Tom wasn't Catholic – Bob doesn't care – he's getting in touch with the people that he knows so that Tom may be able to have a decent service if not a fully decent burial. I love that man. I think that if he'd been here for the past year, I wouldn't have lost so much hope. He's always been a simple parish priest but he has a way of making things happen that the AB couldn't even get done.

I'll be fine when he gets here. I don't know how I'm going to do it, but I'm going to begin making Sunday mass again.

The coroner and I swapped cards. I THINK th

Originally Posted by Angelique67

I'm really sorry this happened. I hope it won't affect you badly. I have been in a similar type of situation three times. In one, I didn't see my friend dead, but his brother told me. In another, my long term neighbor died in a nursing home the morning after I had been to visit and I arrived with fruit and V8 juice he asked for. I was so shocked to hear he had died.
I burst out crying uncontrollably.

In another, my father had died and I wasn't meant to see his remains, but someone at the funeral home removed the lid of the coffin. I was so upset I thought I'd never stop crying and shaking.

There may have been more. It's terrifying and horrifying.

Hey, Angelique,

It's always so great to hear from you.

I don't think that the tears have stopped yet. It's completely different from my father's death (I was the first to see him after he had been made up, but his hair wasn't right, and I knew my stepmother would notice – I used a brush and hairspray but still didn't get it to her exact specifications and she, as I knew that she would, styled it so that it looked like 'him').

I only saw one more 'IRL' dead person until today – a wino that had his head bashed in with a cinderblock. Not very attractive but not very human-like either.

I had seen him sometime last week although I don't remember why. But we talked on the phone regularly. I had pinned my hope of getting out of the apartment ocassionly, and he was more than willing to be of help.

I haven't began to process my feelings and emotions yet; still stuck at numb, but I know that they're coming, and I can only hope that that I don't go loopy. I wanted to ease my new pdoc into my worries on Thursday but I think this is going to be a trial by fire, and I honestly don't know how I'm going to handle this (or not). My mind keeps jumping up to the 4th floor and what I saw and felt.

Just not certain how this one will play out, I just need to keep it together. Thanks for thinking of me – you didn't know Tom, but would you keep him in your thoughts as well?

[Lazarus16]

That's so tragic. You have my condolences, Cider.

May he rest in peace.

[Angelique67]

Originally Posted by ciderguy

Hey, Angelique,

It's always so great to hear from you.

I don't think that the tears have stopped yet. It's completely different from my father's death (I was the first to see him after he had been made up, but his hair wasn't right, and I knew my stepmother would notice – I used a brush and hairspray but still didn't get it to her exact specifications and she, as I knew that she would, styled it so that it looked like 'him').

I only saw one more 'IRL' dead person until today – a wino that had his head bashed in with a cinderblock. Not very attractive but not very human-like either.

I had seen him sometime last week although I don't remember why. But we talked on the phone regularly. I had pinned my hope of getting out of the apartment ocassionly, and he was more than willing to be of help.

I haven't began to process my feelings and emotions yet; still stuck at numb, but I know that they're coming, and I can only hope that that I don't go loopy. I wanted to ease my new pdoc into my worries on Thursday but I think this is going to be a trial by fire, and I honestly don't know how I'm going to handle this (or not). My mind keeps jumping up to the 4th floor and what I saw and felt.

Just not certain how this one will play out, I just need to keep it together. Thanks for thinking of me – you didn't know Tom, but would you keep him in your thoughts as well?

Yes, I'll keep both you and Tom in my thoughts and prayers. I think you'll be fine once you get past the shock and horror. I didn't think I would, in the case of my father. But I did. It was one of the most disturbing events in my life. No one else at the funeral had seen my father, I was the only one besides the employees of the funeral home.

My father didn't look horribly gruesome. His body had been at the funeral home a few days I guess. But he both looked like himself, and looked nothing like himself at the same time.

And I guess now I can accept the fact that I was his favorite kid because my mother treats me as a stranger she doesnt know and it's doubtful she loves me at all anymore. I always knew I wasn't her favorite. She recently asked me to please not burden my sister. I was in the hospital at the time, convinced I was going to jail due to the "tricks" my neighbor has been playing on me. So at my most vulnerable times, she disappears as my mother. Always. It hurts more than anything has hurt for a very long time.

[splitimage]

Ciderguy,

I'm so sorry that you lost your friend, and that you had to be the one to find him.
No wonder you're in shock.
I'm glad that your priest friend is coming back to town, he'll hopefully be able to help you.

splitimage

Originally Posted by splitimage

Ciderguy,

I'm so sorry that you lost your friend, and that you had to be the one to find him.
No wonder you're in shock.
I'm glad that your priest friend is coming back to town, he'll hopefully be able to help you.

splitimage

I'm just so glad that his next-door neighbor, and my "next-to-best-friend," Linda, was with me. I just couldn't sleep last night and I didn't sleep Monday night, either.

I don't know if this is shock. It feels like an emotional jumble sale. I'm selling and everyone else is buying.

I knew that Bob was coming home in May (the Passionists are a great group) I just didn't realize tha

I wrote a long msg but erased it somehow. Landlord sent guys to empty EVERYTHING from his apt yesterday. Don't know if they had permission or not. Just got out from seeing my new pdoc. Seething a bit about the landlord. I have to find out what's up.

There must be someone to get the deposit back, pay his bills, etc. Landlord just wants to rent apt.

[Pixies]

Sorry to hear of this and of your loss, very sad and tragic. I would be numb too and I know the image would stick with me forever. Hopefully you can process your feelings/emotions and get through this, without it taking too much of a toll on you.

[*Laurie*]

What a terribly upsetting - shocking - experience for you, ciderguy. I'm so sorry about the loss of your friend and neighbor.

[Mondayschild]

Originally Posted by ciderguy

September 11, 1948 – April 26, 2016
Thomas M. H.

I haven't been able to get in touch with my full-time neighbor / part-time friend, Tom, since Friday just after lunch. His next door neighbor, Linda, and I have been calling him and she's been knocking at his door for 4 days now. We finally called the landlord and he dropped off a master key about 1 hour and 20 minutes ago and Linda and I went in and found him laying across his bed, blue and dead.

I was surprised at how quickly things moved after I called the police. After I gave them the tidbits of information that I knew (and was able to get from his Medicaid case manager) the coroner arrived and said something like "looks like natural causes" and they loaded him on a gurney and put him in a coroner's van. Over and done with in 45 minutes or so.

Tom was 67 years old, had no family, no friends and on the few occasions that we had discussed post-death plans, he had always said "just let the county bury me." Which is what's going to happen, I suppose.

He was so dark blue that the police had to ask if he was a black or white male. He was white. No telling how long he had been there. Longest rime could have been from 12:30 p.m. Friday until we found him at around 4:00 p.m. today (4 days) or 8:30 a.m. Saturday until 4:00 p.m. today (3 ½ days?). He'd been there a bit. He didn't look good. At some point he had defecated.

He was on the top floor. Linda and I came down in the last load, after the gurney. The vultures had congregated by then. Everyone asked if I was okay. I'm not sure if I am or not. Had to stay numb to get things done for the police and stuff but now, I don't know. Not in shock or anything. We'd talked so many times about having to break the door down if one or the other didn't respond after a could of days. We had the same caregiver and she called me Monday morning when she couldn't get him to come to the door or answer his phone. I was on my way to the doctor and, since he had missed a doc appt last Friday, I just guessed that he'd rescheduled for Monday without telling anyone. I was wrong.

He'd spent more than half of his life in prison. He could spin a yarn with the best of them. He had three small tattooed dots on his hand that he said signified that he was some sort of upper eschelon Hell's Angel leader. His repertoire of exciting tales was small so that he often repeated himself but on the first or second telling they were quite thrilling. He had dozens and dozens of stories about Woodstock, many of them about artists who didn't play Woodstock. He had many stories of pro football players who had seen when they played at his college, but he would have gad to have been an 11-year-old sophomore for those stories to be true. When I first met him, I would challenge some of these tales but he deflated so quickly that I just let him continue on – God knows that he wasn't hurting anyone and if it helped him to boost his ego, more power to him.

Tom wasn't in great health but I didn't think of anything that he had that was life threatening. His SSDI allowance was pitifully small but he was good at managing money and he had more cash on hand than any of the rest of us. He was Bipolar, much more manic than depressive and was so very quick to anger yet never made any sort of threatening gesture toward me. Just difficult to understand with the switchbacks.

I'll miss him. We were supposed to sit outside some this weekend, hence my call to him Saturday morning. He was to bring his new glucometer and I was going to show him how to use it.

I guess that there will be an autopsy? As I told the coroner, I only know about these things from old detective shows. They have my phone, address, etc., if they should need them. He had some sort of problems with his eyes, used two different “inhalers” daily, had hypertension and had only been recently been diagnosed with diabetes. He didn’t eat properly and smoked 2-3 packs of cigarettes daily. He never exercised. At 6’2” he weighed right at 385 lbs. Although he had no history of heart disease I can’t think of any other disease with that type of sudden and fatal onset.

It’s taken me over two hours to get this far. There are a lot of different ways of of thinking about death. My preference is not to think of them at all. Seems pointless, doesn't it? My paternal grandfather owned a funeral home. The employees were technicians. Or salespeople. Or a wily combination of both.

Tom and I had discussed the logistics of death many times. Because I had the greatest number of potentially fatal illnesses, we were both of the opinion that I would go first. I had made some small, inexpensive plans but I think that he was very serious about wanting only the county burial.

Now I’m beginning to feel sad. I very seldom saw him but we spoke on the phone 3-4 times per week; usually him egging me on to get out of my apartment, to meet him outside. He had a temper, certainly, but he was kind. I think that acknowledging someone’s kindness is the highest tribute that I can pay someone.

I just realised how much I’ll miss him. He never gave up on me. We were nothing at all alike. We got on one another’s nerves occasionally. But we were friends. At one time we were friends. I had a hope that he would be part of my recovery. He always let me know that I could call at any time.

So much more that will come to me in the next few days. I’m still numb, now. I think that I’ll just forget about the $20 that he owes me.

Does anyone know about county burials? Are there services and flowers?

I have to eat something. I wonder if there will be casseroles at the wake? Or even if there will even be a wake? I’m really sad now. I was the only person who cried earlier.

I think this post is beautiful. No family or other friends but his life impacted you enough to come here and write about his life and death. If I have only 1 person who is fond of me the way you were of him, that is enough.

I'm sorry you lost your friend. Hugs. .

#Life is a beautiful lie#

[BDPpartner]

So sorry to hear about your recent experience and loss. I hope that you are coping with the support of your new pdoc and friend Bob. There are always people here who are happy to offer you support too.

Although I can't begin to imagine what your feeling I know it must be a stressful time for you. I found my brother barely alive having fallen through a glass door in the middle of the night, while we slept upstairs. It was many years ago and miraculously he survived, he's like a cat with nine lives, (He and his best friend were run down by a drunk driver, his friend was killed outright and my brother who was walking arm in arm with him walked away with bruising) but it left me a very aware sleeper, I always wake up if someone else in the room gets up to use the bathroom, I am conscious of where and when the dogs move about, it's as if I was an anxious new mum. But it has its benefits I always wake up if my partner is unwell physically or mentally and get to yell at the lazy beeps that think it is ok to take a shortcut across the garden. Always trying to look for the silver lining !

Look after yourself