[musicismyescape07]

Not sure where to post this so I shall post it here. I don’t suppose this really needs any answers or advice as I am not exactly asking anything. It’s just a feeling I felt like writing about to get it off of my chest. Although I will appreciate any comments, thoughts, insight, etc if you feel like offering them. As I have mentioned in other posts, I’ve never been to a therapist so therefore have not been diagnosed with anything. I’ve been feeling really down lately. I have always been extremely shy and socially awkward/anxious but I feel that has gotten a lot worse. Like, a few years ago, I used to hang out a lot with my cousin and her husband’s family and not long after that, my best friend started dating someone in that family. After I got to know people and hung around them a few times I’d start to feel a little more comfortable and sociable somewhat. So I would go up to where they lived and have such good times…drinking, singing karaoke, playing pool, etc. Then about a year ago, I pretty much stopped going up there and hanging out with them (not really sure why). On the rare occasion that I do, I’m not very comfortable around them anymore and I get very awkward and anxious. The last time I was around them, which was last weekend actually while they were camping, I wasn’t my happy self that I used to be when around them. I felt like I didn’t fit in, I shouldn’t be there, and I felt like they probably thought I was a creep or weirdo for just standing around not saying or doing much or barely smiling/laughing. Like they probably thought "why the hell did she even come out?". It was just very awkward. Anyway, to get to the main point of this, that evening I went on a boat ride with a few people (my cousin and best friend included) and I couldn’t help but stare at the water and think about drowning…not by accident. I also felt this way when later on I got in the water for a little night swimming. Now I have always had a fear of drowning and couldn’t imagine how awful it would feel to actually drown. But both times, as I kept thinking about the water and of myself drowning…I didn’t feel scared. It was actually quite calming, tranquil, and peaceful. I should also mention that I really don’t think I would ever act on anything like this so I’m not sure why I had these thoughts and feelings. I did enjoy the peaceful feeling I got though.

[Michelea]

Have you thought about drowning since then?

[musicismyescape07]

No, not really. I just keep thinking about how I felt when I thought about it because I've actually had thoughts before of running into a tree while driving (on purpose) and things like that but I've never felt peace or anything during those times. I know I would never act because I don't think I truly want to die but I just found it strange when I felt peaceful while thinking about drowning.

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[Michelea]

Think talking to a therapist could help ease your mind about this change in your feelings. After talking with them, you would know if you should concerned about this or not.

[musicismyescape07]

Thank you for your replies. Maybe if I ever see a therapist I will mention it.

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[Lost_in_the_woods]

You really should see a professional. You are having suicidal thoughts. Even though you dont feel like you would act on them THIS IS A HUGE WARNING SIGN! Suicidal tjoughts should NEVER be ignored and hope they will just pass. Please seek help ASAP. Cuz if thgese rhoughts keep rattling around in your brain, they could become actions even if you have no intention. A bad day and suddenly these thoughts can take on a life if their own, that could result in dire conciquences. Gambling with you life is a risk no one should ever take. Please be Safe. When ever these thoughts pop up. Stop what you are doing and find someone you trust to talk to. A therapist would be the best option, but if that is not possible at the moment, please inform a very trusted supportive family member or friend, also don't ever be afriad to call a suicide hotline as well, they are trained to listen and help. Msg me if you ever need to talk. I have been in the mindset you are in now and i understand. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

[musicismyescape07]

Thank you for your kind words and concern. If I could find a job then maybe I could start seeing a therapist. It does make sense what you said about these thoughts could become actions on a bad day even though I really don't want to act on them. I think so far I'm doing pretty good keeping everything in and under control because although I do have like two or three people in my life I trust, I just don't feel like I can talk to them.

[Lost_in_the_woods]

(((HUGS))) You can always msg me. Just want for you to be safe.

[musicismyescape07]

Thank you so much!

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[Sethen132]

I know exactly how you feel. In the majority of my social interactions I worry about how other people see me and this leads me to monitor my behaviour which in turn makes things more anxious and tense for both me and whoever Im talking to. It can kind of becomes a viscious cycle yknow? But if I have any advice, instead of looking at yourself through their eyes think about how understanding they'd likely be if they knew how much distress it caused you to feel the way you do. Instead of assuming that they think youre a creep for your quiet demeanor, assume theyre wondering whats wrong and why you arent the same person they remember hanging out with. Above all else remember everything will be okay regardless of what other people see in you.

[musicismyescape07]

I honestly don't think they would understand but like you said, maybe they do wonder what's wrong but just don't know how to bring it up, just like I don't know how to talk to them. I'm sure my extreme shyness puts people off anyway. But thank you for your reply and advice!