[Ryan]

For everyone who has ever abused or been abused... or both. For anyone who has carried guilt, either deserved or not. For everyone who has ever suffered:

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to wake up and not think about things that you've done? About things that have been done to you? Have you ever wished you could let go of anger and hate? Of guilt?

I have... but no more. Not ever.

I'm not the neglected three year old I used to be.
I'm not the abused five year old I used to be.
I'm not the beaten fifteen year old I used to be.
I'm not the angry, violent, and abusive teenager I used to be.

I give up on beating myself up. I can't punish myself anymore. I learned what neglect was when I was three. I learned the meaning of hate and guilt when I was five. I met violence when I was fifteen. I let these things make me an angry and incredibly violent person.

I haven't been violent for years... more than ten... but I've carried the guilt.

I don't deserve it. I'm not a victim. I'm not anything. I'm just a person... and I love myself.

If you know me, then you know what I'm talking about... some of you, in full, understand. Thank you for supporting me through all my tough times, and for always doing the best you could to understand me.

If you feel the way I did, PLEASE look inside and see your worth... your value... and forgive yourself.

I've never been good at saying exactly how I feel about something. I have always related to music more than anything else. If there's something to go through, someone else has written a song about it, so I'll let Linkin Park say this for me.

What I've Done

In this farewell
There’s no blood
There’s no alibi
‘Cause I’ve drawn regret
From the truth
Of a thousand lies

So let mercy come
And wash away
What I’ve done

I'll face myself
To cross out what i’ve become
Erase myself
And let go of what i’ve done

Put to rest
What you thought of me
While I clean this slate
With the hands of uncertainty

So let mercy come
And wash away
What I’ve done

I'll face myself
To cross out what i’ve become
Erase myself
And let go of what i’ve done

For what I’ve done
I start again
And whatever pain may come
Today this ends
I’m forgiving what I’ve done!!!

I'll face myself
To cross out what i’ve become
Erase myself
And let go of what i’ve done

What I’ve done
Forgiving what I’ve done

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[oksomaybeimnuts]

[Fuzzybear]

[dorsey555]

Ryan,
Thank you for writing what you did. I was blown away by the truth that you've arrived at for yourself. It sounds like it's taken a lot of courage to feel all of the painful feelings that you have to go through to get to the place of self-love. you've given me hope. I was writing in the relationship forum when I woke up this morning with the realization that i have a ways to go in loving myself and letting go of the self-hatred, the guilt and anger. I know that this is where i need to be right now. If being in this forum has helped you to start to love and forgive yourself, and to live free, then I'll hang around for awhile. Thanks Ryan.

[Ryan]

I'm so happy that something I said made you feel good. I was just (and I mean JUST) saying to a friend from here on the phone that I wanted to share something positive today. I hang up and you have posted this. That's awesome.

Getting to this point has all but killed me... literally. I've lost friends, I've probably killed a few liver cells (alcohol does NOT fill a whole in your heart or soul), and my scars (mental and physical) will take time to heal. Through all the good and bad, I'm happy to be here... I'm happy to be who I am.

I want to share something with you that was said to me once:

"The most beautiful sword in the world was forged from the most unlikely piece of crude metal. Through the flames it was beaten and hammered and burned... and the end result was something breathtaking." --- One of your admins

A man named James once wrote that we should rejoice in our trials and tribulations, for in the depths of despair we are strengthened, shaped, and made whole.

I realize that the place you're in may not be what you want it to be, but rest assured that you WILL be made strong and whole when you find the other side of this.

I'll say a prayer for you to find whatever it is that you need to help find peace.

Never give up on yourself... even if others do.

[Ryan]

If I were easily embarrassed I would blush. You two are great.

Love ya.

[sabby]

((((((((((((((((((((((( Ryan ))))))))))))))))))))))))

What a heartwarming post! Thank you so much for sharing your troubles and how you are solving them. You are an inspiration to all of us who suffer through anything in our lives to know that we can let go of those things that bring us down, so we can rebuild and shine!

Thank you again for sharing....

Hugsss
Jean

[Ryan]

Anytime sabau. Thank you.

[Ryan]

Bump

[mrb020377]

ryan, it is good to see you!
I want you to know it brings me much joy to see you post this! I have thought about how you have been doing lately!
I am glad to see you are doing well!
thank you for posting this!

wow ryan.........i've known (and loved) you a long time ryan and if i ever thought that i would get the pleasure of seeing someone come so far in their life....i'm so glad that that someone is you......and it doesn't surprise me in the least!.......and i can't look at a ferret without thinking of you.....lol