Feeling Strong Shame!

Yesterday, my hubby mentioned that it was too bad that I wasn't more self-sufficient than I am. WOW! He has made similar comments in the past, and they ALWAYS leave me feeling defective, hurt and ashamed of who and what I am: a dependent personality.

When I was young it was my mother who was over protective, verbal about my disability (though she never actually said WHAT that disability was), she just made a big deal out of it to me and my teachers: made excuses for me.

Well then I marry my guy (42yrs ago, still married). He was and still is very domineering, controlling, he did not want me working a job (yet shamed me for not having a job, and complained about our being a one income family and the burden being ON HIM). I wanted to finish High School, so I could know that I COULD SUCCEED, ya well, he did everything he could to stop, frustrate and prevent that from happening! NOW he wishes that I were more self-sufficient!?!?!?!?!?

I battle on a daily basis the shame of never measuring up! Never being able to help support us! Never being able to help share in carrying part of the load! Fearing daily, what if I end up all alone, well that will never work BECAUSE I have NEVER could care for myself!!! And that is what shames me to the core of my being! Knowing that I am defective!!! Feeling defective!

Would I be forced to remarry just because I am so blasted dependent!?!?!? Now that is a scary thought. I sure hope not.

End of rant.

What about finishing that diploma? This may give you just the confidence you need.

I have a question pertaining to your husband and his own self-sufficiency. Does he do his - or any - share of maintaining the household? I mean things like cooking and cleaning and laundry? What would happen if you put your foot down or encouraged that he make dinner for a change?

Being self-sufficient goes both ways

Do you know why he is saying this? Does he treat you well overall? Is there something specific he'd like you to be more self-sufficient with? For example, say you don't drive and he wants you to learn to drive?

Can you ask anyone in your family what type of disability she meant? Are you currently disabled and receiving SSDI? If so, you should be able to find out what your disability is.

If you aren't receiving disability benefits, do you consider yourself disabled such as needing help with daily life tasks due to physical and/or mental illness? Are you being treated by a doctor?

He needs to be specific as to what changes he would like to see. Finish your degree if you want to!

We can't answer if you'd be forced to remarry. That would mean immediately becoming dependent on someone else. Is that your preference? There is no right or wrong answer. However, you could benefit from therapy in many ways. I think that would be a good starting point for you.