[Impala]

I have concluded from her behaviour that my friend who has mental health problems has no values.She does not appear to have any capacity for genuine lasting love,caring or friendship.Honesty and loyalty mean nothing to her.She has no capacity for compassion for others.I have seen what I didn't want to believe for so long-that she uses people,not caring who she treads on or damages as long as her needs are being met.When someone ceases to be useful , or begins to see the real "her" they are discarded.

Since she broke off contact with me that has been it.I've made no attempt to get in touch,I've no idea how she's doing.

So why do I still think about her and wonder if she's ok? Why do I still wonder if I (as the one who's not ill) should get in touch(she's more than capable of maintaining contact when there's something in it for her)?Should I? Why does it bother me that she's going to end up a very lonely person? Maybe that's what she wants-these are her choices.

[sabby]

The answer is simple dear Impala. Unlike your friend, you have the capacity and ability to be compassionate, caring, and loving towards individuals.



Hugsss
J

[Impala]

Thank you Sabau. I think Life would be so much easier if I just left these thoughts behind but lately I've started wondering if she's ok.Another part of me says don't get in touch-I'm well out of all the worry and upset and she'd contact me if she had gained any insight into her behaviour-and until she does that,there's just going to be more hurt.

I wish I knew what to do

[Kiru]

Hope you don't mind me butting in here, but I have a friend that's is exactly like yours. I also stopped trying to get in touch with her when she keeps breaking our arrangements. She tells me that I am the one who does not water the plant that is our freindship, but whenever I agree to meet with her, she cancels. I have tried to be there for her, but it seems that she does not hae enough self esteem to help herself... It's futile trying to help someone who doesn't care enough about themselves...

Trust that you need to look after your well being before anyone else's, otherwise, if you expend all your energy on another who merely drains you, you will have nothing left to give...

[nothemama8]

have you ever read up on borderline personality, it sounds like she may have some trats of this disorder, if you read up on it it may help you understand and cope with her ways
{{{Impala}}}}} if wanted, your a good person
Angie

[KathyM]

It sounds like your friend might have a lot on her plate right now in coping with and adjusting to her mental illness. If she's been using you all along, I wouldn't consider her a friend. If she IS a friend, I would give her the space she needs and leave it up to her to contact you. In the meantime, I wouldn't be holding my breath in anticipation of her call. Focus on your own life and other friends until you hear from her.

When I was diagnosed with familial amyloidosis years ago, a boat load of personal issues I had to deal with tagged along. It was something I had to deal with on my own in private because it was so personal. It wasn't anything I could really share with my friends because I didn't understand it myself. Whenever I tried, they took it the wrong way, took it personally, or had no idea what I was talking about.

I had to break it off with a long-distance friend recently. I care very much for her, but I'm afraid she cares a little too much for me. I couldn't talk with her one day because I was nauseous and gagging - had been for days on end, and was too exhausted to even speak. She became worried and called the police to check up on me.

I was forced to explain the whole situation over the phone to the police, then wait for a squad car to show up at the door. I needed to throw up, but I held it because I didn't want them breaking down my door while I was in the bathroom. By the time they arrived, I didn't even have the strength to stand, so I lay on the floor - half-naked with vomit in my hair, trying to gather the breath to explain the situation to the police. They insisted on every detail, and questioned everything I said. It was probably one of the MOST humiliating experiences I've ever had to endure. I'm sure the police had a good laugh back at the station.

I didn't need or want anyone to check up on me at that particular time. I just needed my bed, the bathroom, and a little peace and quiet.

When I felt better, I told my friend what happened and asked her to never do that again. Her response? "Silly girl, I only did it because I care about you." I tend to disagree. That kind of care will probably kill me.

[Impala]

KathyM ,I've never behaved so intrusively with my friend.I've helped and given support when I've been asked to.The trouble is,I just don't seem to detect any regard for me as a person or friend-words are all very well but actions speak louder and when it's come to actions-nothing.She'd blame this on this illness but like I've said-it's never stopped her from doing anything she really wanted to do(which she agrees with).It seems all about her getting her needs met-she'll do anything and can do anything to achieve that.So,I figure,If she can do it for that,she could do it for another person -it's just that she doesn't care enough to put the effort in.That's why I don't understand why I even waste my time thinking of her!! BUt I do,and care.

[KathyM]

Impala

How sad. People who continually take without giving anything back usually set themselves up for a major slap in the face further on down the road.

There certainly isn't anything wrong with caring about this person. As long as you know you won't get anything back in return from her, she might not be such a disappointment when you think of her.

[Impala]

If I contact her-will she take that as a sign that her previous behaviour is acceptable-think that what ever she does,it doesn't matter because I'll come back anyway?

She's not asking me to "come back" of course-I don't know whether that's because she doesn't give a s**t or because she can't after how she's behaved.

<font color="#000088">Well, maybe your friend has no idea that you actually care. If you haven't contacted this friend when you say your worried, than it seems that maybe you're not as worried as you think. You're friend may not see themself as a user, or even believe that they have done any of the things that they are being accused of, and may think that they were just given up on for no apparent reason. If it is an illness causing this friends behavior, you never know. They may not even realize that they did anything wrong in the first place. And may just be feeling abandoned. Sometimes people have to do things to get their needs met, especially when others won't help them anymore. I don't mean money wise, or that kind of stuff. But like with transportation or something, if all the sudden no one is willing to help them with rides to get their bills paid, or things like that, and they are sick, and aren't supposed to be walking. They kindof have to, to get their needs met, just for an example. So with that example, it may look like they were using others for rides the whole time before. But when others started cutting them off, they had no choice but to walk to get to where they needed to go, sick or not! Maybe your friend doesn't even know that you still care at all! Or it could be the illness as you said before. Some people are like that, but theirs always two sides to a story with a freindship like that. </font>

[Impala]

It was my friend who broke off the contact.She knew she was behaving hurtfully and claimed not to be able to help it...........she can ,of course,keep in touch with someone if they meet a need.