<font color="#880000"> I am thirty-two and I am still living in my parents' house. My life is a continuous struggle for independence. Whenever I go to a concert, I lie to my parents about where and which concert I am going. Simply because they are very critical and disrespectful of my musical tastes.
This past saturday, I went to a party organized by some friends that I met through the internet. I trust them, because I've had lunch and went to a rock concert with them before. This time, they invited me to their home and I experienced unconditional love for the first time. I share the same taste in music with them. Their home had an atmosphere in which I felt accepted and welcomed. I was having such a great time and smiling a lot (which is a rare occurrence when I go back home). However, when I checked my cellphone, I found two messages from my fearful and anxious parents. I panicked. In the anxious state that I now found myself, I revealed to one guest that the reason I don't give out the home phone number is because I am still living with my parents. It's too late now. I wrote a friendly message to this guest, and she has not replied until today, tuesday. Yet, she has posted in the Yahoo Group of which we're both members.
My parents both think that I should call them as soon as I arrive to my friends home, in the middle of the party to assure them that I am ok, and before I leave from my friends' home. My mom wants me to tell her my friends' home address and phone number, and their names. I resent being treated this way. I think that my parents' requirements are intrusive.
What do all of you think of my parents' demands? </font>

[okiedokie]

Why don't you move out?

Okie

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
okiedokie said:
Why don't you move out?

Okie

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

<font color="#880000"> I am working on that.
Okie, but what's your opinion about their demands? </font>

[okiedokie]

Hi Psychee,
Well, I think they are extremely unreasonable. Weird, in fact.

Good plan on moving out ASAP!
Best,
Okie

[Divaluscious]

I guess it depends why you are still at home in a way - there is nothing wrong with doing it to save money, etc. Lots of my friends in their 20s-early 30s have done it to save for going travelling or to recover financially when they come back

Generally, however, they treat it more as a flatting (rooming) situation, where they are not answerable for their whereabouts - e.g. out of courtesy they'll just say when they'll be home or when they will not be.

Is there a particular reason that your friends are overly protective of you?

I don't see the opportunity for you to grow and develop as a person if you are in the situation you describe, though.

All the best.

[Wants2Fly]

Hi there -- We train our parents to behave in certain ways. This has been a hard lesson for me to learn. I started working with a therapist in my late 40s and throughout my 50s to find the words for establishing boundaries and to provide my mother with praise (positive reinforcement) when she demonstrates new, more supportive behaviors. As I say, I was already quite old before I started learning to speak up and mother is in her 80s.

Good luck with re-training your parents to respect. It may require moving out, as others have suggested, to establish yourself as an adult living your own life. I had been living apart for mom for decades before I started to speak up.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Divaluscious said:
I guess it depends why you are still at home in a way - there is nothing wrong with doing it to save money, etc. Lots of my friends in their 20s-early 30s have done it to save for going travelling or to recover financially when they come back

Generally, however, they treat it more as a flatting (rooming) situation, where they are not answerable for their whereabouts - e.g. out of courtesy they'll just say when they'll be home or when they will not be.

Is there a particular reason that your friends are overly protective of you?

I don't see the opportunity for you to grow and develop as a person if you are in the situation you describe, though.

All the best.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

<font color="#880000"> Hi Divaluscious,
The main reason for still living with my parents is because they discouraged any move towards autonomy and self-reliance. As late as 2001, I still didn't not have a healthy identity. I didn't have any preferences of my own. My identity was enmeshed with my mom's. For instance, I got into New Age because my mom did. This is just one example of the pervasiveness of my lack of individuality. I am still healing from the pain of having lived most of my life hating myself. My mom has never accepted the fact that I am an individual with different likes and dislikes.
Another reason I still living in my parents' home is that I got dimissed from the university that I am attending now after appealing. I feel this overwhelming fear of having failed and of ever failing again. My mom is partly responsible for this. Since the first time I told her what I was majoring in, she always told me of the downsides of each career I thought of pursuing. I have changed majors too many times out fear for the things my mom said would happen. I am still in the same university I originally started as an undergraduate freshman. More than 10 years have passed and I haven't graduated on something yet.
Saving money is also a reason of why am still there.

It is not my friends who are overprotective, it is my PARENTS. My parents have ruined my past friendships. So, I lie now. Sincerity has a price in my family: It stops you from experiencing the joy of having a friend that truly accepts you as you are. My parents never allowed me to have any friends during my childhood and adolescence.
This past saturday I did tell them I was going to a friend's birthday party. Appearantly, they were not satisfied with that much information. </font>

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Wants2Fly said:
Hi there -- We train our parents to behave in certain ways. This has been a hard lesson for me to learn. I started working with a therapist in my late 40s and throughout my 50s to find the words for establishing boundaries and to provide my mother with praise (positive reinforcement) when she demonstrates new, more supportive behaviors. As I say, I was already quite old before I started learning to speak up and mother is in her 80s.

Good luck with re-training your parents to respect. It may require moving out, as others have suggested, to establish yourself as an adult living your own life. I had been living apart for mom for decades before I started to speak up.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

<font color="brown"> Hello Wants2Fly,
Thank you for sharing about your experience with your mom. From now on, I'll praise mom and dad every time they respect me.
I have been in therapy before myself as well. When my therapist suggested that I move out, it sounded too frightening and overwhelming.
Now, even though I am still scared, each day I am taking steps to move out. </font>

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
okiedokie said:
Hi Psychee,
Well, I think they are extremely unreasonable. Weird, in fact.

Good plan on moving out ASAP!
Best,
Okie

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

<font color="brown"> Hi Okie,
Now I know why I feel overpowered just by their presence.
</font>

[Divaluscious]

yah sorry i know it was your parents not friend that were overprotective, late at night for me and mixed them up

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Divaluscious said:
yah sorry i know it was your parents not friend that were overprotective, late at night for me and mixed them up

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

<font color="#880000"> Thanks for the clarification, Divaluscious. I understand. I appreciate the time you took to answer to my thread that late at night. It has given me food for thought. </font>