[eskielover]

Great news for my husband when he talked to Social Security today, he qualified for the disability this time.....not only that, but they make it retro back to June last year, so he will be getting enough money to help him out for awhile & to live on by himself so I don't have to continue to support him after we are separated & while our California house is being sold.

I hope this will motivate him to start being a more active part in packing up the house instead of telling me that it is all my stuff. I thought he would have medical coverage, but guess that doesn't happen for 2 years....& he won't talk to them about if there is anything he can do about it....just wants to WAIT until he gets his paperwork & talk to them then. Of course, no way could he ever take some iniciative & talk to them now & get some direction so he knows if there is something he can do immediately at that point.

Now he will still have the excuse that he can't get better without meds or a therapist since he keeps telling me that nothing can be done for him with ADD unless he has meds & a therapist. Like he doesn't have to do anything...the meds & therapist are magic & will make him all better so until then, there isn't anything that can be done!!!!

I am very happy that he finally convinced himself that he was disabled enough to file for the disability. The first time he filed for it, he didn't believe that he was disabled, so when they denied him, he was so happy because they told him what he knew anyway "that he wasn't disabled". This time, it was like pulling teeth, but my therapist worked on convincing him that he really was "entitled" to disability.

This is really a very good thing for him & I really am happy for him. I want him to have a chance to figure out who he really is....something he never bothered to do his whole 55 years of life. Hopefully this will give him a chance to grow up. It sounds strange saying something like this about a person who had an engineering career for 20 years before he finally messed that up with his attitude.

At least he will have some money to live on now....& hopefully will be responsible enough to handle what he will be given better than he did in his past.

Debbie

[(JD)]

Finally!

I sure hope you are able to stick to your guns and move without him.

congrats on the SSI.. and the best..

[MyBestKids2]

Congrats on the great news!!!

[Shyguy88]

congrats on the good news, hearing that it usually takes awhile to get a response back from SSI and how its retro back to when you last applied that's a definet plus. I too have applied for disability because I have a learning disability, Bipolar 1, and PTSD, I just applied in May, so it will take awhile for my response, all I have is to hope and put my faith in God. and again congrats!

[biiv]

yea for both of you eskielover!!
your husband sounds a bit... frustrating. im glad this is one less thing you have to deal with about him and fingers crossed he does help you out now!
biiv

[eskielover]

Yes Sky,

I am sticking to my guns completely....(I would imaging that part of what I have to say here should go under relationships & communication, but....anyway.) I refuse to allow the rut I have been in for so long....ever continue. I know now what it is like to be free from the stresses of this relationship.

I realize that part of the problem is mine. I always believed that in a relationship I could depend on the other person.....& it is hard for me to have someone around me & not feel like I should be able to depend on them even when I know better. So I am better off being alone so I am not tempted into that thinking. Knowing that I am the only one to do something, I do it!!!!

I have also found that a lazy attitude seems to be an easy thing to be influenced by....even when it isn't my own attitude. It is sometimes the easy way out & for some reason, I find that it rubs off on me more than I can rub off on a lazy person. I found out when I was alone that what I really am is far from what I have become in the marriage. I found that the person I was way before I got married is still the same person & same values that I really believe in.

The hard part in this situation is that he isn't a bad person.....he never has done anything bad. He is a very nice person....kind. He would do anything for anyone they ask....but.....it is all the little things that build up. Like if I say the sky is blue.....it is black because it is night or because there are clouds in the sky. He always has an argument for everything....he always has to know everything & because he says it....then that is what it is. It's when I ask a question & every question is answered with "I don't know" or complete silence. The only communication that exists is that which I initiate. Important information goes unsaid because it is always "I thought I told you" (my hearing isn't that bad to miss hearing everything).

It is sad when all the little anoying things are what drive a relationship apart, but all those little things are like weed seeds.....they grow & end up taking over a relationship & choking it out.

I was talking to him tonight about the situation...& the strange thing is that it was like someone was talking through me, trying to get him to see what he is doing to his life. Trying to get him to see the fork in the road that he is coming to. How by not taking an active position in deciding his path, he is choosing the path that is letting him stay the way he is for the rest of his life. There is no going back once he is on that path because once he is alone, all the things that are issues in a relationship won't be there. Once they aren't part of his life, there will be no reason to fix the problems because they aren't problems to him alone. It was the strangest feeling because all the right words were coming out of my mouth & I don't know where they came from. For the first time, it seemed like he actually heard what was being said to him (maybe).

I get frustrated & even angry when I am told "how could I expect him to change in "such a short time?" First of all, I have been explaining my feelings about the relationship problems for 32 years & they have continually been ignored, so I have been expecting him to change for 32 years. I have just finally come to the point where the line I have been drawing all along isn't going to move anymore.

Then, when I am asked what he has to do to show me that it will be ok for me to agree to his coming to KY with me....that is something I can't put words to. It is something I will know when I hear it.....when I see a positive action. All it has to be is a glimmer , a word or understanding that is finally communicated. It is something I will know when I see it, that there is even a remote chance that he isn't so stuck in his rut & not willing to take care of the thoughts that are trapping him into himself.

I am not going to give up my wonderful future at this point....now that I know what I want & what I want my life to be like. Finding my values again & knowing that there aren't lost & that I can be the person I wanted to be when I first started my life is a wonderful feeling....nothing I will ever give up in the future. If my husband can show me he will be able to be compatible with me at this point.....then he will be welcome to join me in KY, but it is his responsibility to communicate to me at this point in time...& I will know if it is compatible with the way I want my life to be.

I am determined to improve my life & this is the fork in the road & the path I know I want....I know who I am now & the values I want to have around me. I have well defined what that is....which is what I did before I got married...only I backed down then.....not going to do that this time.
Debbie

to my ears, Debbie!!!!!

[biiv]

wow eskielover. you could absolutely be talking about my father instead of your husband! how i would really love it if i heard my mother saying those things.
good for you! its inspiring to hear how positive and determined and strong you are.
biiv

[eskielover]

Thanks for reinforcing my thinking.....I know I'm right for me, but it is nice that others think so to.....that makes me even more confident of my decision to go on without him.

Debbie

[biiv]