tanked self-esteem

hello all, I can't get state mental health help or SSI.
my self-esteem has been horrible all my life and now it is worse since 2003, and a hit in 2009.
My girlfriend left me on 2003, in 2009 a coworker was mean and my esteem took a dive. I followed my friend's advice and went to my family.
I am 55 years old, there my mom only made me feel worse about myself with her neglect and blaming me for my coworker's behavior.
in 2012 I had been homeless for 8 months and my mom suggested I go to
Alaska to gold mine to get back on my feet. While there I was told in one subtle way or another I was not good enough. My cooking I took pride in, was demeaned and dismissed.
finally I got a job in Alaska and when she returned the next year, I
came to the camp and one of her campers told me 'yeah, well they might tell you that you can work in any department but that is not the way it happens.'
I was pleased I had that offer rather than be dismissed after failing in the video department.
I told my mom I did not like being on the camp site and insulted like that, she did the same as she did when I was four years old.
ignored the abusiveness.
My father got away with beating me, my mom let this camper do the same, no retort, no comment, just in one ear and out the others.

she wrote me this letter/email.

Sandy, I wish you would read the book I sent you. You need to NOT worry about other people validating you. The only person you need to validate you is you. You are fine. Yes, you are different, but isn't everyone? You are a deep thinker. Stand back & listen to people about their thoughts for awhile. You have to love yourself, know that you are special. Stop thinking negative thoughts about yourself. When you think negative thoughts about yourself you are transferring that to the other person. If you aren't going to read "Secret" than read something positive & uplifting. Stay away from those people that pull you down. I just sent you a message via messenger about a person that is one in a million, watch it. Not everyone is an Einstein. Think of what you can do with your talents. Stop worrying about what others are saying. Keep strong, love yourself, Love, Mom

(((( the book she refers to is "The Secret" which I think is baloney. Sandy))


On Tue, Nov 29, 2016 at 7:17 AM, Sandy <dragonlair@email.com> wrote:




Hello Mom,

I am still feeling very raw and sensitive. sort of bothered that people take this as
being over sensitive. I have spent since, oh, i suppose 2009 not being validated
for anything that is me. I feel liked an ostrosized ho elf. no one accepts me for

what and who i am and makes it hard to even communicated any more.

Keep expected every connection to be another piece of negation of my

identity.


got the deposit fine.. and thank you. very kind of you. not sure how

busy you are but i shared about a book on line (facebook) i found interest .

I am enjoying reading it.

well, i am having trouble concentrating so i will go now. Sandy

-=-=-

I can I break it to her that I find so much of what she does is abusive and neg-hitting.
I have been in therapy with her three times, it always is her not listening and pulling some passive-aggressive tactic.

HELP ME. please.

Sandworm

Not having the support of your own family is devastating because I'm in the same boat. I think your mom hasn't tried to know who you are. This makes it worse. What I believe family support is your fault or bad luck or what ever the only way they can help is by kindness, not correction and I don't think they understand there really are some nasty greedy people in America worse than ever before. I just don't open up to them because I know in the end it's my fault is this how u feel.

Thanks eyes.

Sandworm.