[lovethesun]

Hi everyone,

I've got a pretty bad situation with my mom and dad. I'm a grown adult an no longer live with them. My dad has had 2 strokes and has suffered brain damage as a result. It has caused him to become a very bitter, angry, hateful individual in which the only things that come out of his mouth are insults and complaints. He hates everyone and the world. He was never an overly affectionate person when he was younger, but he was still relatively happy and would offer advice and words of encouragement when we needed it as kids and young adults. He is now over the age of 65 and in declining health due to 2 strokes. He takes all of his anger and resentment out on my mom on a daily basis. Nothing she does is right in his eyes. My mom has managed to keep the house together and take care of all the financial matters and home upkeep by herself and she's done a great job. She does all this in addition to taking care of my dad who is in a wheelchair and has paralysis. I live near my mom and do not have a job outside of the home, so I am available to my mom to help her out. I also take her shopping and out to lunch to get her away from her situation. But I can see the stress and depression in my mom's eyes from all the verbal abuse she gets from my dad. I can see it wearing her down. I hate to say this about my dad, but I sometimes wish there was a place we could send him to live permanently so that he'd be away from my mom. Because it's not fair to my mom to live her remaining years (she's 63) being ridiculed, insulted and yelled at on a daily basis. We live in NC. Have any of you or anyone you know ever been in a situation like this? We can't declare my dad mentally incompetent, because he isn't. And he's not completely physically impaired so we can't put him in a nursing home. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks.

[Nammu]

Can you get outside help to care for your dad so your mom can get a break?

[MickeyCheeky]

Yeah.. isn't anyone there outside of your family that could help you? It must be really hard for your mom

[winter4me]

It may really be time to consider an alternative living situation for him, depending on his needs, Assisted Living, or Long Term Care. Your state agency that deals with the elderly may be able to help. Also, discuss this with his care provider (PCP) & your mother can talk with her doc/provider to find out what resources are out there. There are day care centers for the elderly like your father in some areas, and there are agencies that can provide caregivers; this may be covered by insurance to some extent.
I cared for my own mother for a long time, and having a break (for me it was adult day care) is necessary.

I have a number of possible ways to provide some relief to the situation.

Call your Health Region. There are likely programs that can assist your mom and provide some much needed relief.

Home Care. They may be entitled to bring in a nurse or home care worer for a couple of hours a week. They can assist your mom with the more difficult tasks involved in caregiving like bathing your father, etc. It may be possible for your mom to get away for a few hours.

Respite Care. Some hospitals, senior care homes, and extended care homes offer respite services. This means admitting your father for several days so as to provide your mother some respite - a break from the stress and opportunity to look after her own needs.

Support Groups and Classes. In addition to the above, my father was put in touch with a support group for caregivers. In addition, he was able to take some classes in how to care for someone with my mother's needs. He also attended a Mood Disorder support group to help deal with his Depression.

Finally, I think it might be a good idea to sit your mother down and draw up a list of friends and family. Perhaps you might find volunteers to help. If they are unable or uncomfortable with going over to your mom's house maybe they might instead be in a position to make and take over and occasional meal.

[nicoleflynn]

Verbal abuse is as damaging (if not more) than physical, and every time we are under stress the body releases cortisol; cortisol damages the immune system. How is your mom's health? The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans saved my life after 31 years of a verbally abusive "marriage." xo