[Westygalery]

--LONG READ SORRY doctors please try and tough it through..are doctors even on here? If not, could you refer one?--

Trigger: General depressing talk, mention of drug abuse, sexual abuse, self hatred, mention of panic attacks/mental breakdowns (If I miss any/labeled wrongly, please feel free to edit)

I really don't know anymore. So many people are so upset with me lately, maybe I am just being an awful person. :'( I can't tell anymore. I don't know why I do what I do, things like pace randomly or forget things out of nowhere, never clean up after myself but always stay at home. I want to call someone so badly but I just get too anxious that I'll waste their time and not have anything wrong with me but just me being myself :'( not to mention phone calls are terrifying in general.

Trigger: nonconsensual sexLately I got kicked out of two houses. The first one I was struggling to meet rent with. I get waves of nausea and fear about calling on the phone/talking to a manager so getting a job/help for me is very hard. At least a professional one. I had let myself have sex when I really really didn't want to for the sake of getting people to like me and help me out. (there was one, Dave...he was over 50 and very forward and very..*shudders*. I can hardly say his name without tearing up, it just feels so..wrong. I feel nasty right now just typing that. I can't think about it or I'm gonna start breaking down and get nauseous.)

They still kicked me out cause I got my wallet stolen so I couldn't meet rent, and I hardly cleaned up after myself..not mention hardly leaving the place and just being a little sad lump. Ive dealt with a lot of depression too, from a past relationship with a girl named Taylor

...God...she was everything to me, is still everything, then one day she just. Left school. Not a single word. Blocked me on Facebook. And Instagram. Pretty sure she was with someone else. But who knows. She's just..gone. The only time I saw her after that was at a concert for, what, two seconds? She's completely deleted her Facebook and everything now. I'm so scared she's lost forever.

I just keep loosing people, idk what I'm doing, and in really short periods of time too. Me and Taylor lasted 3 months, then my relationship with a guy named Zach lasted 2 months after that. Giana, man she blocked me too..she was like a blip. What am I doing? Why won't anyone tell me what's wrong before leaving? You can't torture me like that, please stop.

I'm always so scared after a little while that everything good in life's going to up and leave me, so maybe I internalize that and don't put any effort into any current relationships? Cause it seems futile? Like even with friends and roommates? Or maybe I really am just lazy and uncaring...I don't know...I really don't want to be. I'm so sorry :'(

All I know is people in my life have a tendency of saying things like "I'm not temporary 💜" and "You changed my life" and "I've never felt anything like this with anyone else", before saying things like "I just can't live with you. Putting up with you is just boring, watching you try to do things (as hard as I can, really) is absolutely hilarious, and I was expecting a strong independent person. And I got...well *gestures to me*"

^these were all the things Alexis, my second housing situation and close friend, said to me. She was so much more than that though. She was my last time I ever tried to trust someone. A good mentor, great companion. Comforter. Crush. She admitted to liking me like that. And look where trusting her got me. God typing all that out has me sobbing now. I don't know what I'm doing. Everyone just suddenly gets mad at me, I really truly don't know what I'm doing. I mean I know with cleaning and stuff, but it seems like so much more than that.

I manage to feel pretty happy for a while then suddenly I guess I'm not and I just can't handle it. And God, I think about these things all the time whether I want to or not. I can't get their faces out of my head, they pop up by the randomest triggers. All the time.

The memories of all of these people and places, and feelings just cant go away. I can never let go. I still have dreams with Taylor in them, one just last night, and it's been almost 3 years. Thoughts and flashes of things will pop up. Sometimes everything's blurry, and random, sometimes super clear and almost like in reliving it. Either way I just can't handle them. I break down. I do things like not clean up my stuff, don't go outside my home for days on end fearing I'll get hurt, having something trigger more pain. I threw away some of my possessions the first time I got kicked out cause I thought I didn't deserve them..still don't really think I did. I also sat outside for a few hours cause I felt I didn't deserve a home.

Trigger: Drug abuse Yet I also keep seeking out people in an attempt to be rescued, not always feel alone yknow? Like Ivy, my friend with bipolar, cause when I truly feel lonely, I just don't have purpose. I realize I'm just an embarrassment. I overdosed last May out of just indifference of what I put in my body cause I recognized that Taylor wasn't coming back..thought no one would. But Taylor. Taylor was the start of all of this. I'll never get her out of my head.

Trigger: Mention of drugs, mention of mania symptoms I used to smoke stuff like marijuana (I'm in Colorado) when it was available, quiet a bit. Constantly high...really I do what I can to try my best to coast through life now, as painful as its become because of knowing people will all someday go. All of them. If I push all these feelings away I can actually feel weirdly confident and happy. I spend my money unwisely and talk to TONS of people, nonstop about everything that comes to mind! Ivy said it's similar to hypo-manic episodes, and that my mental breakdowns could be depressive episodes. Maybe it's apart of ptsd, or even complex ptsd disorder. But who knows if I can trust her. People say a lot of things to me that just end up false and hurtful to think about anyways.

I can't believe I got through typing this all. I can never talk about this all without totally breaking down. I mean I purposefully avoid too many details with all the people, which probably helped. Who knows...I don't know if any of this is valid enough to be anything more than depression. Even the Dave part, because I did consent after all. Even if I didn't really in my heart. That's my fault. I get so anxious thinking about going back to therapy, I jk-ed it all and cancelled it. How embarrassing how confident I was that I was ok. Maybe that was a "hypomanic" thing? Or I was just in denial...Maybe it'll all just be a waste of time because I'm just throwing tantrums...my life is just a big tantrum, that's what Alexis said.

God, can she just get out of my head. Please :'( She said all those things about 4-5 days ago I think. Not sure, it's all a little fuzzy. Might've been a week. I'm back at my parents' place even though I hate it. I feel like they never gave me good life skills and that's a reason why I'm still in this mess, but it's probably all just me. I sound like such a child, God why can't I just grow up...another thing Alexis said...God, please please get her face out of my head. It won't go away. She didn't even officially kick me out she just made it very clear she never wanted to live with me or see me again really.

I don't know what to feel anymore. I don't know if I CAN feel anything anymore but constant dread, and it's not like it's valid. Everyone I talk to besides Ivy has treated me like I'm not valid. It isn't. I hurt people. My rats, my roommates, my family. Must be true right? I'm just being petty. I still want something to get better, anything, I'm just scared the doctor won't believe how much pain I'm in. They'd probably be right though...maybe this is all invalid and bad coping skills with tiny things. If on the off chance this is all super serious and real, I think I'd have any of the following and I want to know if any doctors on this site could say if I could definitely be diagnosed for any of these:

Separation anxiety/Social anxiety/General anxiety

Ptsd/Complex ptsd (from any mix of Taylor, Dave/other people I slept with, Alexis, my overdose..ugh the blood drawing, and maybe Zach. I've never experienced violence like war or anything like that though.)

BPD of some sort

Cyclothymia/bipolar type II (as suggested by Ivy) ((Comes in 3 month periods, although hardly manic))

Just depression. :T already been diagnosed with that.

Just generic occasional mental breakdowns/bad coping skills- Substance abuse (just weed before, alcohol if I get my hands on it ever), eating disorder (briefly starved myself in junior high, then also this fall, and now I feel like I can't stop eating. Very minor however), sexual coping, etc.

Any doctors/experts on here have any thoughts? It might all just be nothing, but at this point I can't feel any worse so let your 100% honest feedback fly.

[Artchic528]

Everyone deserves to feel safe and happy and it seems you've had neither of these for a long while.

I don't think there are many doctors on here (other than DocJohn himself), so perhaps you can start by looking for one in your area. It certainly sounds like you have a lot of on your emotional plate and a therapist can definitely help with that. I did a search for therapists in my area on a site that specializes in searching for doctors (can't think of the site's name right now, so my apologies). I found one not too far from me and went to her for a while. It definitely helped me.

I suggest that once you find a therapist and have made an appointment with them, to print off what you've written here and bring it in for them to read. It'll show them what you've been through and feel without having to worry about breaking down and not being able to tell them all of it.

I wish you the best and certainly hope you find your happiness.

[Westygalery]

Originally Posted by Artchic528

Everyone deserves to feel safe and happy and it seems you've had neither of these for a long while.

I don't think there are many doctors on here (other than DocJohn himself), so perhaps you can start by looking for one in your area. It certainly sounds like you have a lot of on your emotional plate and a therapist can definitely help with that. I did a search for therapists in my area on a site that specializes in searching for doctors (can't think of the site's name right now, so my apologies). I found one not too far from me and went to her for a while. It definitely helped me.

I suggest that once you find a therapist and have made an appointment with them, to print off what you've written here and bring it in for them to read. It'll show them what you've been through and feel without having to worry about breaking down and not being able to tell them all of it.

I wish you the best and certainly hope you find your happiness.

Thank you so much. It's relieving having support and a second opinion. really thank you. Will do.

[MickeyCheeky]

Of course you deserve help!

[Artchic528]

Originally Posted by Westygalery

Thank you so much. It's relieving having support and a second opinion. really thank you. Will do.

You're so very welcome. Glad I could help. We all deserve to find our happiness one way or another.

[Unrigged64072835]

We can't diagnose you here on PC. You have to see a mental health professional to get a diagnosis. And from what you're going through, it would be very helpful to see one soon.

[Mygrandjourney]

Please call someone soon! There are lots of options in the Denver area. PM me if you need specifics.