[RoseX]

Hi in not very good at expressing myself with words so I'm sorry. I've always felt like I didn't want to exist and I've come very close to suicide twice. I feel like my life has no real meaning so I think that why should I go on and live the same lives that hundreds of people are living and are going to live so what if one of them dies? I feel like I'm fine I'm not especially happy or sad I have friends and best friends but I feel Iike I can't talk to them about my feelings or tell them about my feelings. I can't talk to my parents because they don't understand this they would just say I'm being influenced or something by the internet and would take away my phone and iPad etc. I prefer seclusion to social situations. I always get irrational fears about everything and think about how things could go wrong as I am a generally pessimistic person. Whenever I'm in a stressful situation(most of the time) i freak out but I'm sure to hide it. Recently I've been starving myself the whole school day and then coming home and eating till I'm sick and then taking laxatives because I hate myself for it. I have little to no self esteem and weigh myself atleast once a day and am always staring myself in any reflective surface to critique my appearance. I know something is wrong but I can't ask for help because my parents and my siblings would either overreact or completely treat/react to me in the wrong way(also did I mention they are strictly religious.) They will interrogate me and my father isn't the most mentally stable so I'm worried how he will react. Also school and the expectations are completely crushing me that's why I don't really do hw that much and end up copying from my friends but I still manage to get the expected grades(surprisingly). I hate school so much(I'm not bullied or anything) but the thought of me dragging myself there everyday makes me miserable. I also feel like something is missing in my life I don't know what but just something and it feels like I'm waiting for something that isn't going to happen. I also get confused as to how I'm feeling like sometimes I ask myself how I feel about something but I just won't know so I really don't know if I'm happy or not(like I find things funny and stuff and get happy.) I also earlier last year was referred to the teen psychiatry ward for depression but it turned out I was fine. After this everyone just assumed it was all part of puberty so no one suspects any of this so I just hide all of it and don't tell anyone as I don't feel comfortable. I apologise again for the messiness as I am neither good at structuring or expressing myself. I might just be paranoid but I'm so tired of keeping all this in. I feel like I haven't written it correctly but I just feel so lost and I don't know what to do so please help me!!!!

[Skeezyks]

Hello RoseX: Well... I'm an older person. And I know a thing or two about hiding & keeping everything inside. I've been doing it, literally, for decades. It's exhausting. I don't know what to tell you about this. Somehow you have to find someone (presumably a counselor or therapist) with whom you can, over time, talk through what you are feeling & experiencing.

You're correct, I believe... your friends & family cannot do this for you. Being here on PC, posting in the forums, reading & replying to other members' posts, & participating in chats (once you've had 5 posts reviewed & approved) may help too. But continuing to keep all of this buried is a prescription for ongoing sadness & despair. And, unfortunately, there aren't any secret remedies you haven't heard of. It's simply a matter of finding someone with whom you can share all of this & then figuring out what to do about it. At least that is my opinion.

I see this is your first post here on PC. So... to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! May the time you spend here be of benefit.

[chiisai]

I am also many, many years your senior. Unbelievably, I only recently became aware that, if I had not been so much in a shell at your age, I would have described myself just as you described yourself. I cannot tell you strongly enough that you absolutely need to get professional help. You don't think you write well, but you have clearly articulated your mental health status. A qualified counselor will give you the necessary tools to understand how you got to where you are and how to navigate beyond this point. I don't know anything about UK schools. Is there a counselor on staff you can go to who can help you locate a therapist as well as communicate with your parents?