[Impala]

I've posted before about my friend,her mental health problems and how she has behaved hurtfully towards me.Mostly I have been advised to stay away because this person is no good for me. I have another close friend .She too is ill,she has a condition for which there is no cure,she is progressively becoming more and more disabled and her life expectancy is much reduced.It is a truly terrible situation because there really is nothing you can say to her knowing that she has nothing to look forward to except gradually deteriorating. No-one could have more on their plate than she has.However ,she is the most loyal and genuine person I think I have ever met.Even though her own situation is so bad ,when we speak her first words are always "how are you,how is ... (members of my family,friends etc)".She will talk to me about anything I have on my mind and be genuinely interested.I have to press her for information about how she is etc! I know she's not like that just with me-others comment on what a lovely person she is.She has always been that way and despite all she has to contend with through her illness she has not changed.

Sometimes,I think how different she is to my other friend-she too is ill but is focussed entirely on herself ,...........I can't help but make a comparison. Maybe it is unfair of me to do that ,I just sometimes wonder whether it comes down to illness or the person inside.I think that,as you all know by now,I want to give the friend I have posted about previously the benefit of the doubt but that's hard.,I consider myself very lucky to have the friend I've told you about here for the first time.
Is the comparison unfair,the contrast is very striking at this time in my life?

[eskielover]

I think your comparison is completely valid. I think we can learn from situations just like this as the the person we want to strive to be ourselves. The comparison gives us a look at 2 different types of personalities. Those that are only concerned with themselves & those who are truely concerned about the people around them.

I know when I look at others & see something so wonderful, I realize that is the way I want to be too.....then I can look at myself & see what I want to make sure I am like.

You aren't really compairing....you are just noticing different personalities & noticing what you don't like about the self absorbed person & what you like about the genuine person who cares about others. It is the personalities....not the illnesses & personalities are developed throughout a lifetime, but can be changed.

This comparison might be just a good thing because sometimes it allows us to look into our own relationships & see what we are doing & how we are interacting with others. A time to reflect also.

Sometimes we have to drop a relationship when it becomes draining on us.....sometimes things are what they are....& a benifit of the doubt doesn't help anything.

Enjoy the wonderful friendship you have with the kind person,
Debbie

[Pita]

Impala - I think the person "inside" shines through no matter what illness they have. People who are self-absorbed (focused entirely on themselves) seem always to be that way. I have several friends like that and they take tremendous amounts of energy to be with. I call them energy vampires. They would be horrifed to know that everyone they know thinks they are self-absorbed and although they are usually generous with giving gifts and that type of thing it is another story when you are with them - everything is always all about them and how things affect them or inconvenience them. Even if they ask how you are they do not seem to really be listening. Even though I consider these people friends, I would never ask them to help me if I needed it nor would I share my concerns, fears, private self with them because it would not really matter to them and at some level I think they would resent having to consider something other than what they think is important. Thank goodness I have another set of friends who I know would go to the end of the earth for me and back - like your other friend who is ill and disabled. The people who can look outside themselves are truly beautiful. It sounds like your disabled friend is a beautiful person. With respect to your other friend, the self-absorbed one, I think you have to ask yourself can you expend and spare the energy she sucks from you by being so self-absorbed and hurtful to you. Take care.

[Impala]

It's a comparison I can't fail to feel at the moment.Although I know that mental illness can make people introspective and my other friend has a physical (rather than mental ) illness,of course,my friend with the physical illness has the devastating emotional effect of her illness to cope with too.I think it's true (and I agree ) that it must be down ultimately to the person inside as to whether we completely focus on ourselves or others in such situations.

[Wants2Fly]

It even seems to me that in some cases, a person with a debilitating illness develops a huge amount of compassion for others.

[Impala]

Yes,except my friend with the physical illness has always been compassionate and considerate-it's pretty amazing (and says a great deal about her personality) that even with all the problems she now has ,that's not changed.