Why do I compare my cutting?

Ok.. I find it wierd that sometimes when I hear ppl talk about their si.. I think... wow.. They cut like X or so Y. Why dont I cut as X as they do. I'm not cutting enough or bad enough. I actually start to feel like im not weak for not cutting more! What in the world is wrong with me?

I think we all do this, unfortunately. I KNOW I do.

That's why we have to be careful about what we post. If I ever post something (or already have done so) that influences you to want to compare, feel free to let me know and I'll have a mod remove it for you.

You're not alone, BELIEVE ME.

That's the danger of SI the want to compare and do more than the next person, it's triggering. I wish I had something more inteligent to say!

Its not you guys that is the fault.. I just hate that part of me that wants to treat myself badly. Any cue that I get that what i did wasnt as bad as it could have been.. makes me want to do more.

I know exactly what you mean...it's silly but that's just the way it works,huh?

from what i've seen/heard from others, SI is highly competitive, in the same way anorexia is highly competitive. you compare yourself to others to see how you measure up, how hardcore you are, how sick you are, how far gone or how far you can go. actually a lot of mental illness seems to have this component. i'm forever checking myself out against other bipolars and feeling inadequate like a whiny poseur if my moods are not flipping out as bad as theirs. i feel inadequate about my psychosis sometimes if i think i "should" be hallucinating more regularly or more heavily. i think ppl that are messed up in the ways we are messed up just tend to be messed up like that too sometimes. it's a dirty little secret, isn't it? but maybe it all comes from that same place inside -- the place where we believe we don't deserve to be taken seriously or helped. hmmm.

(someone shoot me now, i hate when my thoughts go in that direction.)

Mal,

I think you are very much on to something. I think the need to cut deeper- whether it's in competition with others or with oneself- does sometimes come from denying our own pain and denying that we need or deserve help, attention, and care.

Angela

sometimes i feel angry with myself for not being psychotic enough because it makes me feel like it is my fault that people (in the past) said horrible things to me like i was just "trying to get attention" when i was hurting bad and terrified by what was happening to me and no one would believe me. i feel like if i could only be sicker then people would take me seriously. (note i had more to say in this post but that "more" went off topic so i started a new thread under psychosis).

Mal *hugs* if you'd like them

I'm pretty sure just about everyone in this forum can relate to that.

I think it has a lot to do with the knowledge of what one can survive, what one can look after at home, what one can get away with.

If you self-harm & you see or hear of people doing greater damage to themselves, you are bound to try it.

One of my greatest gripes with my psychiatrist was that he would describe what other patients had done & yes, it shifted it to a whole new level. Then again, he often talked about trich & eds yet that was never triggering.

*shuts up*

Have not the energy to edit my post, so here goes...

At the end of the day we all know that the issue with sefl harm has little to do with how severely on injures onself. That desire is there. Some of us have more sensitive nerve endings, some less. We all knwo ho painful a paper cut can be, yet a deep razor cut may produce little pain. Severity only becomes an issue if one has to go to hospital & become known to the health services.

*goes to find a course in suturing*

The comparison factor is in a lot of people I think. That is probably why Doc John was so leary about starting this discussion group and why he stated that we were not to get too graphic in our discriptions. Sometimes we do though. If it a discription ever gets anyone in the comparison mode please let me know so that I can edit the post and make it safe. If I am not here please let another mod know so that it can get taken care of.

Like others have said it isn't the depth that matters, or the severity of the injury, it is the factors that lie behind the injury that we need to explore.
Carrie