I know these beliefs aren't real, but they are very convincing

I know this isn't true, I know these aren't real, but they are very convincing. I'm not the most extremely paranoid person you'll ever meet, trust me there are worse, I just have my quirks and fears. These quirks and fears just so happen to make life harder. During highschool I had this fear that someone was levitating outside my window watching while I slept, if I didn't close the blinds he would watch me all night. I couldn't see him but I knew he was there. Throughout Highschool I would also fear the there were cameras set up watching me, I had a hard time trusting friends, I would fear they were talking behind my back. Some time during senior year I gained the fear that I actually wasn't human but in fact a robot. I still don't feel completely human, I think I replaced the original being that used to be in this body, they don't exist anymore. My anxiety has spiraled out of control, I fear the mundane and have a hard time seeing the worth in any situation. I often wish my parental unit had aborted me when she had the chance, the I wouldn't be such here. I can't shake the feeling that one day this is all going to end , the world is just going to stop and everything is going to die. My emotional instability has lead it to be hard to keep friends and my anxiety has made it hard to want to keep them. Part of me fears not feeling these things, maybe I do want to suffer? I think I would be just a waste of time for any therapist, and I to nervous to talk on the phone with one to try. How can I help myself to want to help myself. Sorry for the ramble

Why do you think a therapist would be a waste of time? Have you already tried one? I reccomend it because it looks like you might need one. I'm sorry you feel like this

I can relate. Sometimes I feel totally wrapped up in illusions, similar to those you mentioned.

Experiencing new things is especially hard. Like this forum. I still have to get used to it, this feeling of uncertainty about everything I write and how others perceive me.

Well not a waste of time for me, but for them. I haven't tried one seriously yet, but I fear that my problems aren't big enough to warrant one and that in would just be a waste of space.

I was also resistant to professional help, now Im anxious to see my therapist every month. And the bills are covered. Its a very short session but it feels like my only real life friend. It is great to have someone you can tell your darkest moments.

i'm sorry you are going through this. It does sound like you could use a t and maybe get on some meds to help you out of this rut.good luck

You ARE worth someone's time and help!

I hope this doesn't come out the wrong way...

You are very much suffering, and you very much deserve help!

I don't think any decent therapist would ever think that you are wasting his/her time.

Can I ask you what your perception of therapy is? Does it seem like only people with "bad" problems go to therapy, and since your problem isn't as bad as others, you don't deserve the help?

The truth is that people go to therapy for all sorts of reasons. Therapy isn't only for those who suffer the worst of the worst. If you're honest with your therapist, he/she will see that you are indeed struggling. Therapists generally only let people go if there's a major conflict, i.e. a client who just goes through the motions but doesn't actually do anything to improve their situation, or if they feel like they cannot help the client b/c the client's struggles are outside of their expertise.

You DO deserve help! I urge you to push through and make those phone calls to a therapist. Sometimes you don't even need to talk to them on the phone first. Sometimes you can message them online and set up an appointment. Lots of people like to have an initial phone consultation (which is free), but for others its easier to talk in person.

So far my T helped in; meds, emotional support, a few insights and mental improvements that came out of talking.

I expect no improvements in my social everyday life and she has probably figured that out. I also know one day sessions will have to end.

This last few days in this forum have really forced me to face lots of things below my awareness.

Thank you.