[jbug]

I am here but am really struggling these days it seems like.

Tomorrow is the last day I'm able to see Steve's boss because I am switching clinics. It is very hard to walk into OGC and know its not Steve I am there to see. I keep expecting to wake up and this all be a very bad dream. I am seeing a woman at the new clinic and for the most part the women I've seen don't know their head from their *** so I am very nervouse about seeing this new person. I wasn't asked if I wanted to see a woman or man I was just placed. How much do I reveal in the first meeting? Do I tell her my whole life story or just let it trickle out session by session. I have been very fortunate in the past few years that when I have had to see someone new all they had to do was look at my notes from the past person and know everything about me. Even the crisis people were able to do this. The pdoc I will be seeing knows a bit about me because he was the person that saw me when I was in the hospital. Will he tell her everything he knows or not?

I am having some really scary thoughts go through my head these days and its to the point I almost checked myself back into the hospital last weekend but I am going to school and don't want to miss any of that. Plus I am running for PBL President and I can't do that if I'm in the hospital. Why did all this have to happen to me? What did I do so wrong that my life had to turn out the way it did? Why me?!!!

Jbug

[eskielover]

I know I hate people to trivialize what I have gone through......so I hope this doesn't sound that way. We all have things that happen in our lives, some more serious than others....some things we can handle alone, others need a lot of help to get through.

Sometimes we feel like we get to a good place then WHAM!!!!! What in the world hit AGAIN??

There will always be things that hit us in out lives. Somethings are much worse than anyone can even imagine. I have had experiences that everyone said, that couldn't be happening to you....things like that just don't happen. What the #$((, they were happening to me & they did happen. What I found is that after it is over, looking back, it's what we learn from the situation that is the most important. How we learn to handle similar things in the future (as if they will ever happen again) is the important part of the learning experiences we go through in life.

Sometimes things are going great....like you in school & running for President.....then something hits & we want to give up or at least give in to the difficulty. Sometimes it is good that we have the good things there to give us the strength to keep on not give in.

I know for me, my mare just had her foal & I was so excited. Then, she ended up really hurt & requiring all my attention at the same time my Mothers cancer was getting terminal & then that turned into a horrible ID theft & abuse to my Mother. How can everything hit at the same time & where do I find the energy to handle it all. We are always told that we are never given more than we can handle. I ended up very ill from all the stress & landed in the medical hospital. For some strange reason, I got the support I needed in the hospital just at the time my Mother died. What I realized looking back from the now.....is that even the bad things happen for the good....it's just that we don't recognize it at the time.

The trauma I went through left me with tome PTSD symptoms......I never would have understood what those feelings were if I hadn't experienced them myself....giving me a deeper understanding of myself & what others go through in traumas.

Our lives are learning experiences....both good & bad.....but if we are able to grow from them....we will end up better in the long run....it's just getting there that is difficult.

I agree with you about the men psychologists. I have always had better communication with men than women....don't know why, just is. I know that loosing your psychologist the way you did is horrible. That is no different than loosing the closest friend in the world....a person you have shared everything you possible can with. The transition is difficult & will take time....nothing you can push, so just let it happen as is goes. If you just start spilling everything....that's ok too.

Just remember the most important thing.....you didn't do anything wrong to make your life go this way......what is happening to you is just a part of what life is all about (I hate the way this sounds like trivializing) for all people. It isn't anything we do that causes it......the famous quote "%#@&#! HAPPENS". is very true.......& living through the rough experiences that are truely difficult.....give us an understanding that we wouldn't get any other way.

Hope you will feel better soon,
Debbie

[jbug]

Thanks Debbie.

Today is just a rough day. I am out at my parents house tonight to pick up some groceries Mom bought for me. I have to ask my dad for my weekly money today and I hate doing that in front of my Grandm(she is coming over for supper too) but I will do it and have to get over it. I am scared that there is going to be an argument because last week I wasn't so savvy with my money. But I have to have gas for my car and would like to pick up something else at the store. Plus there are a few things I forgot to have mom get for me that I would like to get. I would ask him now b4 Grandma gets here but he's sleeping and I know better than to wake him up for something like that.

I guess my main reason for posting was just to whine a little bit.

Jbug

[sabby]

((((((((((((janie))))))))))))

Glad you had the chance to let out what is bothering you. I know when I can do that, it doesn't seem so scary and I am able to better think of ways to deal with things.

I know that change can be difficult at times. But I also know that you didn't do anything to deserve the difficult times either. Life is like that sometimes and it doesn't pick and choose whose life to throw into an uproar.

Hopefully all your records are sent to the new therapist and she will have had a chance to look at them before your first meeting. You can always ask her at the beginning of your session (if she doesn't tell you herself) what she is looking for during that time. Maybe she'll use the time as more of a "meet & greet" kind of getting to know you time. You can also write down some of the important highlights you want her to know and hand her the paper when you arrive, or you can read from it to her.

I'm sure things will go fine for you I know some folks have had difficult times with women therapists, but the one I've had in the past was the most wonderful and caring woman. She taught me a lot about who I want to be. She listened well and gave wonderful feedback. I hope you have the same kind of T!

Hugsss
sabby