[VernonJenkins]

Too many times, I find myself struggling to further a conversation. People will be telling me how their day went, things about their life... And I'll just draw a blank. So I'll end up giving short, simple, basic responses that I've learned are appropriate and that makes me seem quite disinterested and boring to other people. Sometimes I'll just smile and nod. I find it's easier online because I have more time to think, whereas in a face to face conversation, I only have so much time to respond before the person leaves or moves to a different topic.

Other times, I have an idea of what I want to say, but have a difficult time verbalizing it. This tends to be the cause of my anxiety rather than an extension of it.

[Maven]

I'm a little awkward at personal conversations, too. One thing that helped, believe it or not, was reading joke books. I don't mean I go up to people and ask, "Hey, want to hear a joke?" but reading the jokes helped me to have snappy answers and to be funnier. I have a hard time, though, if I don't know much about what a conversation already going on. I don't do much with my days, so I don't have much to say about it.

This sounds very familiar to me too, I used to say I had many acquaintences and not so many friends because my interactions only went so far. I was very good at enabling people to talk about themselves (prompting with interested questions) but not very good at opening up myself so conversations would just dwindle.

What I found was if there was something I was passionate about I could talk a lot more in depth. So in my case this was sport/exercise and volunteering - it's no mistake my closest friends were made through those activities.

If you haven't already tried it then you might find it helpful to base conversations around your interests and activities, something you are passionate about.

[GreenBlueRed]

Very few people can think on their feet. The difference might be that you replay an interaction and then feel you should have "performed" better. I believe those with less anxiety just never give a second thought (not that this is actually better).

That is why writing is nice, because review is easier. You can practice conversation like any other skill, but unless you have a serious diagnosed defecit, I am sure other people are just as boring in trying to make small talk. We are all mostly boring humans. :P

[VernonJenkins]

Originally Posted by GreenBlueRed

The difference might be that you replay an interaction and then feel you should have "performed" better.

Yes, I do that. I feel insecure when I say stupid things. The reason I developed anxiety was because my intelligence was often a target for attack as a kid by family, peers and others. It forced me to be self-conscious and to watch what I say so that I wouldn't be attacked.

[GreenBlueRed]

Originally Posted by VernonJenkins

Yes, I do that. I feel insecure when I say stupid things. The reason I developed anxiety was because my intelligence was often a target for attack as a kid by family, peers and others. It forced me to be self-conscious and to watch what I say so that I wouldn't be attacked.

I had a similar experience growing up. It can take an hour to compose a paragraph. It sounds like you devised similar coping strategies for avoiding ridicule/negative reactions to your self-expression. Everything is hesitation and you cannot really control it because it has become second nature. It is frustrating.

But, you take more consideration into what you say than other people do, and that is a really valuable skill.

This thread is really validating to me (although I am sorry other people have had similar experiences it does make me feel less alone).

Being considerative is IMO a very valuable asset to have, maybe it just needs a little loosening so you feel easier in your communication but yes I agree thoughtfulness is a good trait, I am sure people will appreciate that about you.

No I'm not delusional but when alone I talk to myself. I find I am rehearsing conversations I need or am likely to have - and several versions of the same. That way I feel prepared before finding myself attending a situation. I always try to have an 'out' or escape. For instance, at functions I keep myself busy volunteering doing something. That allows me to keep conversation brief and to the point. When bumping into people, I have no qualms about making an excuse to be elsewhere when things get uncomfortable.

Speaking of being uncomfortable... it is the silence in a conversation that makes me anxious. I have always felt the pressure to ensure they are filled - and it is these times that I get tongue tied or find myself afraid of saying the wrong thing. It has taken a great deal of effort but my fight not to fill the voids is getting easier and so lessens the anxiety as a result.

I have heard from others that Toastmasters is an excellent program for putting oneself at ease with both general conversation and public speaking. Maybe a support group (whatever diagnosis you have) could be a great source of practising conversation; after all, it ought to be a safe and supportive environment.

[eskielover]

I struggled most of my life talking to people in a reasonable conversation. I grew up with parents who had issues communicating with people & honestly I was afraid if I opened my mouth & started talking to people I would embarass myself as bad as my dad embarassed me when he was talking with people. He was oblivious to what he was doing & what he sounded like. He was in his own little world. I remember there were times when I knew I had important things to say but thought I would pass out before ever getting it out of my mouth.

Then I ended up marrying a guy very much like my dad only add a college degree. Impossible to communicate with. He could at least talk intelligently about his interests but couldnt talk with people in a general like conversation.

I think I managed better than I felt like I did though looking back I realize that living with my parents & my H was such a stressful life that I had a hard time retaining anything even my thoughts though I managed to kill myself studying in order to graduated with a 3.25 in my accounting/computer science degree. I didnt feel like my brain had it in it to do anything more than that.

Conversations with people were difficult as I had never been around a reasonable conversation my whole life though I craved it. I remember one conversation thatsort of summarized the life around me. I was trying to have a serious cinversation with the new H of my horse trainer. He was having a serious difficulty & understood both sides of the issue. My H was with me just standing there (I assumed listening to the conversation) but when my horse trainers H asked my H what he thought, out of the blue, he started talking about the weather rather than answering the question or even responding with a comment about not knowing enough to have an answer or thought on the topic. That pretty much summarized conversations throughout 54 years of my life or worse with stupid arguments about things not being what they are. Having conversations with people like that was pointless & the fear if sounding like that with others kept me from wanting to engage.

The strange thing was that after my mom died ( I was 52), my dad had died years before that, & 2 years later I finally left my H (after 33 years)....it was like all the stress was gone & my brain could work like I wanted for the first time in my life.

I moved across the country. Didnt know anyone & the first thing I did (so out of my character) was to join the library book club at the town's library....& what shocked me most was that I actually participated in the discussion rather thsn sitting & listening like I had ALWAYS done before. That was my first baby step to having conversations much more easily with all the new people I met in the new place I was living. It was like a door had been opened for me to become more the me I had always wanted to be but surroundings always seemed to stifle what was hiding inside of me wanting to get out. I could listen better to what people had tosay. I got to know people like I had never been able to before...like all that junk in my brain was gone & it was finally able to be free to think, put the pieces together & just open it up to the freedom to think.

Its been a strange experience. One I never thought possible especially the ability to really connect with people & have wonderful conversations. I can now be in a totally new group of people & jump right in with them in the conversation. Sometimes I wonder where this new person came from but I have time to read, time to learn, time to focus rather than fight....I have time to learn who the REAL ME, really is.