[rachaelh21]

Thank you for those of you who take the time to read my story as to why I feel the way I am feeling. I haven't really spoke to anyone about my thoughts on my own mental health and what i think has lead to them, so posting on here as a first step. So thank you if you read it all

I was so happy and out going as a child and had loads of friends. I am a girl but used to be a huge tomboy I had short hair and played football as a kid and was friends with all boys...cos I was a kid I just did what I wanted to do and didn't live to social norms I guess, just didn't think about them. I have always been comfortable in my sexuality I just liked boy things, that is all. No one cared at primary school, I was able to do what I wanted and no one cared, how I was only became a problem when I started secondary school. I would have older kids bully me and ask me if I was a boy or a girl. None of the kids in my year really bullied me, it was older kids who I didn't even know. This lead me to feel very insecure in the way I was, I felt I had to stop being friends with boys and be friends with girls instead and that I had to act more girly, I still carried on playing football though till I was 17 cos I enjoyed it.

Anyway, I made friends with girls and then as we got older maybe year 8/9 cos I was still quite boyish and the bullying it's like people realised I was "uncool" because of that and then didn't want to be my friend anymore, I became really unpopular. This did such bad things to my self esteem and confidence which I think have effected me in my adult life. Anyway there was a while where I had no friends, the beginning of year 9, however the end of year 9/10 I made friends with a group of girls. However after a couple of years our friendship group dispersed for a variety of reasons, I'm only really friends with a couple of them today. However I then felt I had no real friendship group anymore. I don't have much family so friends are very important to me. I am an only child with no brothers or sisters and the only other family my parents speak to is my family in Australia who we have a close bond with but obviously are very far away.

I had a few friends in my hometown but didn't feel like I had solid social base.I then decided to go to uni to start afresh. I felt like I had a massive label of being uncool at home. So I went to uni and made loads of friends and I felt like I had no one judge me cos no one knew how I was in my early life when I used to act like a boy (I'm now not exactly the girliest girl but just a normal girl- and I am comfortable in the way I am- like I said Ive never been gender confused, have never actually wanted to be a boy I just enjoyed boy things) anyway I made a good group of friends and was soooo happy. I met my first serious boyfriend at the end of second year of uni. In my 3rd year most of my friendship group lived together but I couldn't live with them as I was originally going to move home for a placement year but then got another job back in my uni town and moved back last minute, however where they lived together I felt so left out of the group, they would go out with out me a lot etc, They all then started going to the pub with a few others that I all know on a regular occasion but I would never get invited, they all made a group chat without me and I felt so left out. I bought this up with them and said I felt really left out of the group. I was sooo hurt by this it was horrible I hated feeling excluded. A couple of my friends took on bored that I felt like this and started to invite me out more. However for some of them it seemed like they didn't really care, it's like they found their new group of friends and were happy with this.

Most of that friendship group were moving back home after that year and I would be going into my 4th year of university (after my placement year). I moved in with a couple of my friends from that friendship group however decided to remove myself from the friendship group as a whole cos I felt so hurt about feeling so excluded, it would get me so so down and is when my sucidal thoughts began I think . I think the reason it got me so down is because I know how unhappy I was in my hometown, and I'd finally moved away made (what I thought was) a great group of friends and was soooo happy!! and then felt like it was all taken away from me.

Anyway, I moved in with 2 of my friends and my boyfriend who had finished university who wanted to stay in our unitown and lived with us too. Due to the hurtfulness of being so excluded though (I was still friends with my two housemates though and live with one of them now) i felt I had to make new friends on my course, which I did and I eventually became quite happy again.

Fast forward to the end of my last year of uni, my boyfriend broke up with me. He was my first love, it was horrible. He said he just didn't feel the same way anymore. He still wanted to stay in our unitown and so did I, even though I don't have many friends here anymore. The reason being, I do love my uni town and I wanted to stay with my boyfriend. However when we broke up I stuck with my original plan, to stay in my unitown, as I was so distraught and confused I didn't think I could handle with much more change. So I stayed here for the last year, living with one of my friends who I lived with from the year before (and our other friend and his friend).

Anyway, I feel as though as one point I had a great boyfriend and a great group of friends, and it is all gone. Another thing that has really hurt me is that one of my friends from my course who I became really good friends with and was staying in my uni town just stopped being friends with me and I have no idea why, she just stopped. I'd try to meet up with her but she'd just make excuses etc and NOW she is really good friends with my ex boyfriend (they have some mutual friends)but they were never good friends when we were together, and in all honestly it really ****ing hurts I feel so betrayed and hurt by it. Also that friend was in a new friendship group I made on my course, who also started excluding me and would go out without inviting me. Anyway I'm not friends with them anymore and I don't even know what happened. So that's another friendship group, gone.

It's so hard. Every friendship group I make just either disperses or I get excluded and I don't know why???? Literally! Everyone tells me how I am such a nice and down to earth person, I just don't get it???? It really hurts. I think the reason I am feeling so down and depressed is due to the loss of relationships, my friends and most importantly my boyfriend. I've never really recovered from my ex splitting up with me, by far the most painful thing I have gone through. I did see another guy this year for about 5 months but we ended things as he is moving far away, when I was seeing him i started to get over it I guess and started to feel happy again. But now he's gone I've started to feel back to feeling heartbroken/depressed. Basically, I know what makes me happy- having a good group of friends of around 5 - 7 people and having a boyfriend (but I can also be happy with just having a group of friends who I have good connections with) but I think if I don't have that having a boyfriend makes me slightly happy. But now I don't have that, I just want to go back to the times when I did and I was happy and I don't know how to get what i had back (not the specific people, I know those relationships are over/ won't be the same again, i want new relationships with new people)

In addition, I'm also moving to London in September as I got a job and I am so anxious about it. I have some friends in London and I am hoping to move in with a couple of friends from home. However that's not for certain yet and I might have to live with randomers in a flat share which I'm so anxious about and I am worried of feeling alone living with people I don't know.

I just feel so anxious and hurt all the time. Hurt my ex friends and my ex boyfriends who have just left me, I feel there is something wrong with me and I have no idea what?!?!?! I have litrelly been told by people before that I am one of the nicest people they've met and that they can't believe how down to earth I am and that I'm the most chilled person ever. I just don't understand why I keep getting left by various people

I do think I may suffer from social anxiety, sometimes I find it hard to be loud in a group as I feel insecure and I'm 100% sure this insecurity and anxiety roots from when I was bullied in secondary school.

Anyway I have no idea how to make a group of friends in adult life it's so hard.

I, right now, honestly have had thoughts of suicide. I've never told anyone about this or that I think I maybe suffering from depression and/ or anxiety. One of my friends said she think I maybe suffering from anxiety though

I feel really really unhappy at the moment and I am so scared about the future. I feel really lost and that I don't know what to do with my life, I just feel in a really bad place mentally . I don't know if I have mental health issues or if I'm going through a rough patch. I struggle to be happy.

[leejosepho]

Nothing you have shared about yourself sounds troubling to me, and I would guess you are a lot (or at least a bit) like me in having never anticipated or expected the ends of relationships and friendships we had wittingly or otherwise just assumed would continue indefinitely. It can hurt when other people change or move along and we do not understand why, but none of that automatically means anything was our fault. Although I might have little actual comfort to offer, I do grieve with you over your losses and I encourage you to move along to London when it is time and with some hope and a smile while continuing to be yourself.

[Sunflower123]

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time. I have had and understand those feelings. I see that this is your 2nd post so welcome. You might make the move to your new job and everything clears up. If it doesn't, I encourage you to see a therapist to help support you as you process your losses and a psychiatrist as well to see if medication would provide relief. I want to lend my support and let you know I'm here if you need to talk. I hope you start feeling better soon and that the start of your new job goes well. Best wishes.

[CalamityJane425]

d





Hi,
I'm sorry that your going through such a difficult time in your life. I do know that from personal experience that it is really difficult to make friends especially good ones as an adult. Your moving to London? I've read on the internet that there are great resources for mental health. I live in the States but over the years when I would do research for myself I would discover that there are enormous agencies, so your moving to a great place.
When possible try looking into some. Do a Google search. Call the crisis line as well in your area.
Try volunteering in something you like. Take up a hobby. What is it that you like to do? Find out if your unsure theres lots to do.
I wish you all the best.
And don't worry, your alright it's that you haven't met the right kind of friends that are a good fit. It seems like so many other people are so insecure & just don't know what they want and that includes what kind of friends they want in their life. It will get better.