[palecocoon]

Hello,
I don't really know where to post this so I'll try here...

I'm a 24yo female and I've been struggling with a lot of aspects in life the past few months - year. I'm currently still at university, but I already missed 3 graduation chances because I didn't turn in my dissertation. I guess this is when it started going downhill. I've been having a major existential crisis. I'm very afraid of the big, scary future. I don't have any concrete plans for what I'm going to do with my life. My major is pretty useless and I have barely any working skills. I'd like to study something else as I have no idea what kind of work I could do but I have no idea what I want to do, what I'm capable of, .. My parents, siblings, friends, teachers, etc. always had the idea that I would achieve great things, but I don't believe that I am smart, creative, beautiful, or whatever anymore. I am completely disillusioned, demotived.

I'm really not ready yet for the 'adult life' and all the responsibilities attached to it. Yet I am also burdened by becoming older.. I know 24 isn't really old but I see all these younger kids around me and that makes me feel like my time is already over. Or I'm confronted by my peers who are already working, buying houses, marrying, getting their life in order etc.

Other things that have been stressing me out extremely are finding a new place to live, not having a driver's license and being very afraid of biking around in the city, my parents being very old, my siblings moving far away, not being sure if my boyfriend is really right one for me, major self-esteem issues, slight feelings of paranoia when going out/meeting people, ... Before I used to be able to kind of cope with these things but for the past few months my anxiety has really become uncontrollable and sometimes irrational.

I've kinda been going through life in an escapistic daze for the past few months. I don't have any classes anymore and I don't have a job, so it's hard to keep up a routine. I'm also so tired all the time, I feel very drained. Mostly I'm just hanging around, sleeping a lot, binge watching, ... It already feels like an accomplishment if I get my *** to the supermarket. I try to work on my dissertation but I find it so hard to concentrate and think. I've been avoiding a lot of my duties and major life decisions because I just freak out completely. My mind goes in overdrive worrying and I just can't stop it anymore. This constant worrying has also ****ed up my sleep. I've become pretty dependent on sleeping pills, tranquilizers, weed as they can empty my mind for a while. Life has also been revolving a lot around partying and drugs (mostly xtc, but I have tried many other drugs this year). I feel as if those times are the only times I can really feel happy, that life is really worth living, that I can feel love and meaning. But the dip afterwards is becoming increasingly horrible and the urge to take more is growing as well.

I've been to a psychologist for a while a few months back, but I stopped going as I didn't feel like it did anything for me anymore. She used cognitive behavioral therapy. I want to find someone new, but I'm not sure what therapy is right for me, who is right for me, .. so I've kinda been putting it off.

There's probably a lot more but I can't think of anything else right now. It was quite hard writing this all down. I'm sorry if I'm rambling a bit or if I made any mistakes (English is not my first language).

[Sunflower123]

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time. Have you ever been to a psychiatrist? What was the diagnosis and did he/she prescribe meds? This would be my first step. You sound like you may have depression, anxiety or both although I am not a doctor just to be clear. A good psychologist would really help you. I went through 10-12 before I found one worth her weight in gold. Keep trying.

Also post here often for encouragement and support. Best wishes.

[BLUEDOVE]

A good place to start would be your self-esteem;to that end,
you can not do better than a couple of books by a brilliant
psychologist called Nathaniel Branden: "Honoring The Self",
and "The Six Pillars Of Self-Esteem". I promise you they will
change your life,and give you insights to how other people
function.
Bon Voyage,
BLUEDOVE

[iLLuMiNaTi]

I know there is a good and natural way to help fix things like self-sesteem, motivation and also light sleep disorders (anxiety too in the sort term, maybe also in the long term?) and that is sex.
I would quit drugs since they are addictive short term solutions and instead I would have more and better sex. I can assure you it helps.

[NeedHaldol]

For a situation in the collegiate section of society there is a book you should read:

"An Unquiet Mind" by Kay Redfield Jamison.

She was diagnosed with bipolar as a student in college and chronicled her times through her recovery. She is now, or at least used to be a doctor at John's Hopkins in Maryland.

I think that book would help put things in perspective and offer you a sense of connection with a similar situation.