[fspro]

Hello. First of all, I'm new around here so I'm sorry if I'm posting this in the wrong section.

I'm 18. I've been suffering from severe acne for about 5 years. Also I am a masturbation/porn addict. I've felt down for the last years because I've lost my self esteem. I feel very unsure about everything I do. In my childhood I used to be very energetic and loud and I used to fight very often. Now I tend to back up when a confrontation arrives, just like I lost my balls. A few times I got mocked, but instead of replying, I prefered to not say anything and this lead to some very weird feelings, which in the end resulted to self-hate. I started to hate myself because of my terrible skin (zits and deep scars on my face, neck, shoulders, chest, back, arms and forearms) but also because I repress my anger when I shouldn't do it, when I get mocked by someone or things like that.

In school I did great, I will go to college this year.
I also tend to supress every emotion that I have. For example, when I'm angry, I just can't hold on to that feeling or when I'm happy, I start overthinking stuff and I end up depressed. I just really don't know what to do to get out of this ****. I look awful, I feel awful because of my coward attitude and of my porn addiction. I just hate myself ..

[treevoice]

Welcome to psychcentral, I'm glad you are seeking some help for the problems you're facing. You never have to go it alone!

Please correct me if I'm off base here, but based on the problems you've described, it sounds like you might be struggling with some gender role issues. Toxic masculinity is a real problem - when you feel like you can't express yourself in a healthy way, that you've "lost your balls", or that you should be fighting to defend yourself, that sounds like unhealthy gender stereotypes to me. I could also see that having a role to play in your porn addiction. You aren't meeting the expectations you believe you should be meeting as a person/man (not standing up for yourself for example), and you are punishing yourself in the form of self loathing. Even calling yourself a coward is indicative to me that you may have some unrealistic expectations set up for yourself. Just remember that just like women need to break free from the gender roles that have been imposed on them, so do men. You are allowed to be who you are and that doesn't mean you lost your balls or that you are a coward. When we can let go of the expectations of gender roles, we can be who we are meant to be, whatever that looks like. Once you have a healthier perspective on what it is okay for you to be, you may find it easier to break out of addictive patterns. Shame has a nasty way of turning us in ourselves and causing our darkest parts to fester and eat us up. Be honest with yourself about who you are and who you want to be, see yourself for who you are without expectation or judgment, and you just may find you don't need to hide from yourself in your addictions anymore. Even things like acne seem so insignificant when you learn to accept yourself. Happiness is beautiful. Wishing you healing and strength <3

[fspro]

Originally Posted by treevoice

Welcome to psychcentral, I'm glad you are seeking some help for the problems you're facing. You never have to go it alone!

Please correct me if I'm off base here, but based on the problems you've described, it sounds like you might be struggling with some gender role issues. Toxic masculinity is a real problem - when you feel like you can't express yourself in a healthy way, that you've "lost your balls", or that you should be fighting to defend yourself, that sounds like unhealthy gender stereotypes to me. I could also see that having a role to play in your porn addiction. You aren't meeting the expectations you believe you should be meeting as a person/man (not standing up for yourself for example), and you are punishing yourself in the form of self loathing. Even calling yourself a coward is indicative to me that you may have some unrealistic expectations set up for yourself. Just remember that just like women need to break free from the gender roles that have been imposed on them, so do men. You are allowed to be who you are and that doesn't mean you lost your balls or that you are a coward. When we can let go of the expectations of gender roles, we can be who we are meant to be, whatever that looks like. Once you have a healthier perspective on what it is okay for you to be, you may find it easier to break out of addictive patterns. Shame has a nasty way of turning us in ourselves and causing our darkest parts to fester and eat us up. Be honest with yourself about who you are and who you want to be, see yourself for who you are without expectation or judgment, and you just may find you don't need to hide from yourself in your addictions anymore. Even things like acne seem so insignificant when you learn to accept yourself. Happiness is beautiful. Wishing you healing and strength <3

It's not about unrealistic expectations. That's how I think it should be normal. So you think that a man shouldn't fight back when he is mocked or something like that? I'm not referring only to fist-fighting.

[treevoice]

Originally Posted by fspro

It's not about unrealistic expectations. That's how I think it should be normal. So you think that a man shouldn't fight back when he is mocked or something like that? I'm not referring only to fist-fighting.

It's not that the expectations of gender roles are unrealistic in the sense that they can't be achieved, it's that they're unrealistic in the sense that they put people into two categories and humans just don't work that way. I think all humans should defend themselves when it's appropriate, sure, but I don't think your ability/willingness to do so makes you any more or less of a man. If I'm wrong then that's fine, it just sounded from your post like gender role issues may be part of what you're struggling with.