Do Inabilities Ever Depress You?

That old ‘be careful what you wish’ crap an’ all.

My long-term memory has always been good but I went through a short-term memory nightmare. Off the pain meds and the fog lifted.

I went from not being able to leave my apartment to assertively (um, aggressively) challenging those who I do not know from entering our building via the secured front doors. I have crossed the aggressive line many times. I need to be less outgoing!

‘...write like I used to.’

I was diagnosed with hypergraphia three years (?) ago. It is one f**king weird disorder and, to my knowledge, there is only one doctor in the States who understands the basic dynamics of the disorder. I use the word ‘dynamics’ because the presentation is distinctly personal.

I was fortunate to have Dr. Alice Flaherty as an ally (author of “The Midnight Disease”).

For me, the first wave came quickly - my desire to write became insatiable. I went from 50-pages-per-day to 500. I was dredging up words heard but once. I felt a heightened sense of creativity. Others were actually enjoying my writing again. I did the ‘exposure’ thing for a print/net magazine but joined paid staff quickly. My grammar and spelling took a nose-dive (that evidence is before you) but I developed different styles that I could (can) slip on and off, at the slightest whim. Six styles, now. I’ve used three here. But I often write lengthy essays that I delete. I’m not much of one to follow rules or advice. Like the ‘do not write lengthy messages...’ advice.

With help, I have the hypergraphia under some control. I lose control - as I did last night continuing now - when I experience euphoria, as I did Sat-Sun.

I’m not ‘writing like I used to,’ I’m writing less passionately, sometimes rimy, sometimes in a deliberate (no, no, a delightfully) crepuscular mode. My ‘happy writing’ come via assignments that I can research and complete without leaving my home.

How did you ‘used to’ write? Pen/pencil on paper? Manual or electronic typewriter? Using a word processor application? I encourage everyone who wants to write to, well, write. If you need a shove or a kick in the arse grab some favored prose/poetry/lyrics/advertisements/what-have-you and copy the words using your preferred method.

With luck, and after paying the piper, you may say to yourself, “My god! What have I done?”

At that point, you’re inside the totally tubular wave.

I’ll never run another marathon. That kinda stuff?

Talent. Talent implies ability/capability. ‘...ability to overcome....’ and you’ve gone beyond talent into creativity.

I had a snooty prof, once, who said, “Everyone can write. Everyone cannot write well.” Couple that with another prof’s observation, “You either have good taste or you don’t. Taste can’t be taught.”

Not wishing to state the obvious, I will. Creativity cannot be taught. You may be capable of dance, song, paint, sculpt, but can you do those things well? I have a half-arsed creative streak using words. I know this only because I’ve received more god-damned compliments and awards for speaking and writing than I’ve received for the creative use of my Larger Than Expected pencil.

Forget the abilities - even the disabilities due to disorders/diseases - and focus on creativity. Has anyone complimented you on your phallic-like silhouettes? The unique way that you toss tennis balls with your toes?

Okay, jeez, maybe you were born without a creative bone. What to do? Don’t worry, wart, make something up! Purchase Hand-Made Leather-Gear from Etsy and tell your friends that it was just something that you ‘whipped up.’ (Whip-lash girl-child in the dark)

(Oh, man, listening to Lou Reed, Venus in Furs - VU and Nico - Heroin will play later - Best Deadly Drug Ever.)

No, no, no - I cannot say, I cannot say - only, maybe you don’t. Maybe your Legacy won’t include song or dance. Maybe your Legacy is kindness. Or generosity. Or maybe you have the unique ability to separate UK spelling from US spelling in The Same Document (I can’t.)

My final words: I do not do, I do not do, I do not do, old shoe. I do not know why so many people think Katy Perry attractive. Have they ever heard her talk? Watching MTVA (I am so old that I watched the first music-video played on MTV...) a few weeks back and I had to mute my television because Katy’s speaking voice can damage electrical appliances. No, here it is. (Yeah, it’s comin’ but... I’ve never heard the trope that everyone can sing...? Gotta be legend?) So, you’re not creative. Does it matter? I had a friend, once, who listened to mix-tapes whilst exercising. Horrid voice. But happy to sing because she loved music, then (and had such an ear for new talent), and she combined her desire to stay fit with her love of music and she was happy.

To quote Jude of Liverpool: “Surely it’s not what you do but how you do it.”

That’s exactly how I feel about my trousers. Can’t risk letting them out.

I get depressed a lot about my agoraphobia.

it's made me lose out on so many experiences.

my imsomnia sometimes, but i'm not as depressed about it as I used to be.

sometimes though, night after night, trying to figure out what to do at 2 A.M... it's draining

Yes, me, too. I want to see Europe and Australia, but I can't because of agoraphobia and claustrophobia (I'm afraid to fly in a plane). I want to travel to some other parts of the US, but I can't.

I'm on the hypoactive end of ADD. Means it takes convincing myself to even move, and even more making an effort.

I have ideas but I don't have the stamina to follow through. All my life is beginnings with no ends. I finished very little in my life.

I hate having anxiety because the anti anxiety meds dull my creativity. But without, I can't function at all.

I'm easily overwhelmed, all my life seems to be chores and errands that never finish. I have no idea why it takes me a week to do what people manage in a day. I run out of time. When the day is over I have no time to "play". And then I don't even have much of a job.

I sometimes feel it is unfair that I was born with a deep wish of creating, and a mind that comes up with ideas all the time. It seems cruel. It would have been better if I hadn't been good at that. Because I cannot use my talents anyway.

I often wish I'd never gotten on meds, at least until I was old enough to make the choice for myself.

There are changes and side effects, and I've always figured it was hooey, but I'm looking at more natural treatments now. But if I go off the meds, the withdrawal can last years. I'm afraid of withdrawal.

Way too often, but i guess in a different way? I just wish I was a different person.
I wish I was nicer, but I fear showing emotions, so i’m mean.
I wish I didn’t get attached easily.
I wish I was less awkward and had better communication skills.
I wish I was more hardworking and committed.
I wish I was smarter.
This all depresses me daily and I hate that I won’t do anything about it.

I wish that I never wish. Whatever I was , am or will be , is out of my hands.
Of course I’m going to have a zillion inabilities. How about celebrating and embracing whatever abilities I do have ?!

Not really. Inabilities don't depress or upset me. I remind myself of the Serenity Prayer.