I can't hold back the memories tonight. They are painful because they are happy, and they feel like they belong to someone who isn't me. I feel like I'm peering in on someone else's life when I remember the happier days. I honestly think at this point if I had a delete button for my happy memories, I probably would have pressed it by now.

I usually distract myself from these thoughts. I remind myself that I am building a New Me, with new memories to make, every day. But I can't outrun the memories forever, and sooner or later, usually late on a Friday or Saturday night, they catch up to me.

*The tutoring job at the community college. Students giving me gifts and hugs. The phone call from the one girl who just wanted to thank me. The feeling of being loved, appreciated, and useful.

*The early June bike rides up the forest trail, happy to be alone. Sweating, out of breath, but proud of myself. Content with who I was, and what I was doing. Wildlife on every ride.

*The long conversations I had with strangers in the city. The one that lasted until 1 am at the riverside park, until the police kindly told us the park was closed, and we had to leave. The audacity to just start a conversation with anyone back then.

*The legitimate excitement in doing new things. Joining clubs, entering contests, traveling on a whim.

I know it's not impossible to rekindle some of these things, but it feels like such a monumental task. I don't even identify with that person anymore. The ambitions, the creativity, the confidence...it honestly feels like my former self died, and I was reborn into a lower echelon of life, where obsessive worry and depression have replaced those attributes.

Whatever. Gotta keep working on it.

Bjørnen,

I am sorry you are feeling so badly. You must be severely depressed. I have many similiar memories (long bike rides and hikes with and without friends, travels, working, school, etc.) and they make me happy. When my H says that he now realizes that there has always been something wrong with me (my mental illness) I think of these memories and feel differently. We are still the people who once accomplished these things. Since we were that way once, surely, there is hope we can be that way again. Keep trying to resurrect some of that former self.

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm sorry. It's sad when even our best memories come back to hurt us..

Thank you, hopingtrying and Mickey, for your kind words. I didn't want to go to sleep tonight with these thoughts gnawing at me, and your comments and understanding helped me shift my focus a bit. I think I will sleep better.

[Sunflower123]

I hope you were able to get some sleep without too many raw thoughts knawing at you and I hope you felt better today. Thinking of you.

Bjornen, I just wanted to give you a big hug.

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

I hope you were able to get some sleep without too many raw thoughts knawing at you and I hope you felt better today. Thinking of you.

I did, and I do. And I'm grateful, as always, to have your support. Thank you.

Originally Posted by starrysky

Bjornen, I just wanted to give you a big hug.

You are very kind, starrysky.