I don't know what is wrong with me

I'm not really sure where to start, so I'm going to type away the thoughts that are lingering right now.

All my life I have felt disconnected and as a child I barely used to talk and kind of drifted my way through my school years, not feeling sad, but empty, waiting for it to end and to keep drifting through whatever was to come after that.

I had no sense of direction or purpose (and at the time mental illness was never a thought that crossed my mind) but what upsets me the most thinking back is that there were clear signs that something was up with me and I wish someone would have stepped in.

I do remember that once I came home and cried and told my sister that I thought I was depressed (which was hard because it was like showing emotion) my mam didn't want me to take antidepressants, so I binned them and just shrugged everything off and said I was just having a rough week.

I feel like I don't even have a personality and never know what to say (which makes me more socially anxious). Sometimes I would drink alcohol in the morning to get me through school or eventually work and would even imitate people to try and get their "social energy" until I soon tire of the act and return to becoming monotone.

I always perceive other people as being fake, like most things they say are just empty words and it makes me feel tired watching their acts and I always get paranoid that the only couple of friends that I have left only ever hang out with me merely just to be with someone different and to show how social they are and how much they get out. I wish I was just being paranoid about the way people act and think, but from becoming good at reading people I'm usually always right.

I don't want to be in a relationship, and have drunkenly engaged in one night stands that I didn't enjoy, I don't know why, maybe to show that I'm not broken or something. I know I'm attractive and yet my self-esteem is shot and I feel like people only like me for my looks anyway and I've never felt lovingly for anyone.

It's as if I self sabotage my life at every opportunity and then mentally blame it on my family for being emotionally unavailable and for why I done bad at school. Yet, I won't see a doctor because I keep feeling like maybe I'm being paranoid and there is nothing wrong with me.

But then as soon as I continue on with my days, there it is again, I feel different from everyone else; seeing the world through a different filter.

I mean, I can enjoy myself, enjoy conversations, have a laugh and all that jazz, but there are just a lot of situations that I just find overbearing and where sometimes I feel like my head will explode from overthinking and then I just dissociate from the world, but then I don't want to appear like this, so I get upset that I have dropped my confident facade.

Sometimes I get so bored and lonely because of this and this leads me down into making impulsive decisions as a way to make a desperate attempt at change.

I have no idea who I am, but can read others so well while I just keep putting an act on to get through.

My favourite fantasy is travelling away and finding myself in other people, away from the life I have here.

I hear you. What you describe as your perception of reality is very much like my own. I have been this way since the day I became self aware at the young age of just 3 years.
My way of describing it is that since I'm not in other people's minds, looking out through their eyes I can not accept them as real beings. Not the kind of real that I am, provided that I'm even real at all. I'm not them. I'm me so how can I know for sure that they are anything more than just puppets put here by whoever put me here to give me some kind of entertainment or a sense of interaction or to fool me into believing that anything is real at all?
This strong sense of self awareness is so intense for people like us that it makes it extremely difficult to truly accept reality for what it is. We don't view or perceive as others do because we are "solipsistic" meaning that we suffer from solipsism.
I have this as well as paranoid schizophrenia. I am super paranoid, trust no one 100%, used to not trust anyone at all, even family members, worry that people are out to prey on me in some way and have learned to read people and their emotions so well that it sometimes is if I can see into the depths of their very souls. On the plus side this has lead me to become very empathic which didn't kick in until I was 17 but, I can now walk into a room full of people and feel the mood in the air as though their emotions are flowing off of them and floating through the room. I even questioned this a lot at first because I don't want to make the mistake of thinking that something is real if it is not. I have experienced it enough and seen evidence of it enough to know that it is not merely a delusion. Delusions feel different anyway. Sort of dream-like and like the effects of a drug, flooding your system. It can feel very much like getting high especially if it is an intense delusion.
Is this what it feels like to be you?

These thoughts are irrelevant to me because I'm guided by feelings but if people were just "puppets" put here to entertain me then they would never cause me stress like they do. I'm sure you can relate to people causing you stress.

Yes. I was just talking about the speculation aspect of being this way and trying to make sense of it all. I have since come to accept all people as real beings and human as well but, that is another story.

Very similar, I wouldn't say I believe in solopsismic as I do believe that the other minds do exist, but rather their personalities are forced. It's like a social act that I just can't keep up with.

However, like you said, sometimes I do get the idea in my head that people and situations have been placed by some sort of higher power as a test (but I'm too indecisive to be religious &#128514

I am very empathetic, it's like if I spend a bit of time with someone I can guess what kind of family they have and what troubles their mind, like there is always reason behind every action.

I feel a very similar way, although I wouldn't say I believe in solopsism. I understand that there are other minds, but I feel a a though their personalities are forced, it's a big social act that I can't keep up with.

I do sometimes get the idea like you said that people are kind of like puppets, sometimes I think that situations and people are placed as a kind of test. I never really think this very often though.

The empathy is intense, often I can guess how a person feels about a situation, or I can guess what type of family and upbringing they had based off the way they carry themselves.