[Rio_]

I always manage to turn "you did something wrong" into "I'm a bad person". Idiot.

[Direction]

I do the same ... for me it comes from several filters that I see the world through...

Unrelenting standards…nothing good enough…strive to meet excessively high standards to avoid criticism ... this is aimed at myself...some people aim it at others...

The other big filter for me is...

Defectiveness/Social Undesirability…belief that you are flawed, bad, socially inept or inferior. Hyper sensitive to criticism, rejection, and blame…insecure around others.

I've been in a class that seems to give me a bit more awareness and certainly a language I never had before.

These two "Filters" gets me everytime...though I have been challenging my thinking specifically when I look at these two filters when I start to think the same thoughts as you...

[Direction]

Here is some of the languarge I've been learning...

Filter Awareness…an extremely stable and enduring pattern of thinking that develops during childhood and is elaborated throughout life… They are

Resistant to change, initiate extreme, intense emotion, thoughts, and often destructive behaviors.

Are ideas, not necessarily truth, but important beliefs about oneself and the world

Are accepted without question, absolute, not conditional, self-perpetuating and ultimately lead to other beliefs based on the filter

Are activated or trigger by events and, once activated, control our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. Allow us to survive, but not heal or recover

Operate in subtle ways, difficult to identify as they are usually outside of our awareness

Persist until therapy is focuses on modifying them.

1. Emotional Deprivation…needs (affection, protection, caring, etc) won’t be met by others. Difficulty trusting others, appear independent
2. Abandonment…people close will eventually leave you…avoid close or sabotage relationships
3. Mistrust…others cannot be trusted. Expect others to hurt, cheat, manipulate, lie, etc.
4. Defectiveness/Social Undesirability…belief that you are flawed, bad, socially inept or inferior. Hyper sensitive to criticism, rejection, and blame…insecure around others.
5. Failure to achieve…incapable of performin as well as pears in all areas. May not try because they believe they will fail
6. Vulnerability to harm and illness…always on the verge of a major random catastrophe (financial, natural, medical, etc. May avoid things to avoid pain or hurt they believe will occur.
7. Self-sacrifice…belief where you sacrifice your own needs in order to help others. Feel guilty if they put theirs in front. Helping others gives sense of identity. May resent those they are taking care of
8. Subjugation…must submit to others in order to avoid negative consequences…current control over your behavior, emotional expression, and decisions because you feel coerced by others. Exessively accommodating,
9. Unrelenting standards…nothing good enough…strive to meet excessively high standards to avoid criticism
10. Entitlement…Able to do, say, or have whatever you want…demanding

[Perna]

Not all of you does that or you wouldn't "catch" it like you're doing now. I always answer the "you are a bad person" voice so s/he or it doesn't get away with it. However, sometimes I go a bit too far. My head and fingers once got into an argument at work as to whose fault a typo was :-) and I had to step in and stop that fight and it wasn't easy LOL.

Make yourself laugh when you call yourself names! You know it isn't true that you're a bad person and that everyone makes mistakes so make fun of the name caller.

I was with my grandchildren, 3 and 2 today and the 3 year old started crying because the 2 year old told her she couldn't have any juice! Her father asked, "Who's in charge of the juice? Is Chaz?" (the 2 year old trouble-making brother :-) Her father had already told her she could have some! So, Rio, I ask, "Who's in charge of the name calling?" :-)

[DePressMe]

Yep, I do the same thing. Well, at least know you are not alone in this struggle. Its a hard one to deal with. For me its much better when I am actively working my self esteem.

[eskielover]

I guess I have been the lucky one....I have been able to take criticism & place it where it belongs. I analyze what is said....then I look at myself & decide whether it applies or whether I can throw it away.

I grew up as an only child....definitely a perfectionist. I expect only the best out of myself & work until I drop to acheive the best I can do. Usually because I'm the perfectionist, the best I can do is as close to perfect as I can get. I was the same in school with getting A's. When I didn't do well, I always looked at myself to see if that was the best I could do. If it was, then I was happy with myself even though it wasn't perfect.

Others could never be as hard on me as I am, so I wasn't worried about what they said. I had a time at work where I hated what I was doing....even when I hate what I'm doing, I try to do the best I can.....but it wasn't quite what they wanted. I worked on doing those things & then when I found a position that fit me better, they wouldn't let me go because I was doing such a good job.....I showed them....I left.

I guess my question is that if I had to do all that thinking about all those steps before I could handle criticism, I would go crazy.....sometimes we just have to work on our attitudes & make them in control of the criticism to put it in it's place....once you have self-estem, all the thinking isn't necessary & criticism can be put into it's place & the people who criticise can be blown off or we can listen to the concept behind the criticism & decide whether or not to try & apply it to our lives.

Just a thought,
Debbie

[(JD)]

I would hope you could begin with, "I made a mistake" rather than, "I did something wrong." Big difference in connotations to our psyches, imo. We're human beings. We make mistakes.

[bflatgary]

Don't beat yourself up. Like the rest of us, you are a flawed person. There are no perfect people.

Recently I have made some bad choices that have turned out to be financially costly. It has affected my whole family. This didn't happen because I am a bad person, but because I am a depressed person, and became blind to a situation I was creating. I am my own worst critic, also.

Although my business failed due to this, I always have to remember that failure is not a person, but an event.

[Fuzzybear]

I know how you feel!!

(((((((((((( Rio )))))))))))))

[Rio_]

Thanks for replying, Direction. That's very interesting about the filters, I'd never heard about them before! Can definitely relate to some of them. What class is it you're taking, if you don't mind my asking?

[Rio_]

Thanks for replying, Perna. That's true, I don't think I used to notice that I was doing it. That would have been an interesting argument to witness!

Good idea, thanks!

[Rio_]

Thanks for replying, DePressMe. Good to know I'm not alone, but sorry you do it as well. Still, at least you've found out how to make it better!

[Rio_]

Thanks for replying, eskielover. That's great you can do that!

That's an interesting way of looking at it. Even if I try my best at something, my best doesn't feel good enough if someone doesn't like it.

[Rio_]

Thanks for replying, Sky. That's a good point, hadn't thought of it before! You're right, though.

[Rio_]

Thanks, bflatgary. (Are you a musician? I play violin.) That's true.

Sorry to hear that, but that's good you can look at it that way.

[Rio_]

(((((Fuzzybear))))) Thanks.

[DocClyde]

(((Rio and all)))

Hope the "voices" of criticism and bad thoughts run away from you all, never to return....

[Islander]

I know what you are saying. I do the same thing, its like
I can not take in what the person is saying. Always take
it as I am not good enough, and I did something wrong.

Islander

[eskielover]

Looks like we have several musicians here...bflatgary....the clarinet, eskielover....the flute, & rio....the violin.

Maybe we can just make some beautiful music, something we can really enjoy & have fun....getting rid of the critism around us,
Debbie

Oooh can I join? Flute, clarinet, and sax here.... flute is my main one though.

Now on topic:

Rio, although I take criticism and use it to improve my work I can't do it without completely thinking that I totally %#@&#! up and the person who criticized me thinks I'm absolutely awful. I tend to think all-or-nothing-- so if I am criticized it must mean I screwed the entire thing up!

[Rio_]

(((Clyde))) Thanks.

[Rio_]

Thanks for replying, Islander. Sorry you do that as well, hope this thread helps!

[Rio_]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
eskielover said:


Looks like we have several musicians here...bflatgary....the clarinet, eskielover....the flute, & rio....the violin.

Maybe we can just make some beautiful music, something we can really enjoy & have fun....getting rid of the critism around us,
Debbie

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

That would be good! I don't think I've played with a flute before - I've been part of a clarinet quintet, though.

[Rio_]

Sure thing, pinksoil. I'd love to learn the saxophone!

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Rio, although I take criticism and use it to improve my work I can't do it without completely thinking that I totally %#@&#! up and the person who criticized me thinks I'm absolutely awful. I tend to think all-or-nothing-- so if I am criticized it must mean I screwed the entire thing up!

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

That happens to me sometimes as well. At least you can use it to improve your work, though, that's something.

[eskielover]

Rio,

I have played in several chamber groups that have been great with the violin My best friend when I was growing up played the violin...we were in orchestra together, so it was fun to just practice the parts together. I also played in a professional flute choir in California that was absolutely wonderful....we had about 6 flutes together including an alto flute....it was a great group. I have done duets with clarinet....then just the orchestra thing & sometimes the band. I was a music major in junior college...actually that was where bflatgary & I know each other from.....we were in the same music clases together....very small world.....since we just discovered each other here just a few weeks ago.....that was very exciting.

On the topic of criticism....or just plane being accused of something....I just went through this yesterday.....I knew that the basis for the accusation was not the truth, so I set out to get the truth straightened out....it didn't change what had happened, but at least everyone knows the truth about the situation....I feel that is the most important thing......criticism/accusations that are based on lies & made up strories are the first thing that I try to stop & get the things that are being said under control. I hate it when people accuse someone based on one side of the story...I am one that tries to straighten things like that out so people can base their comments, feelings, or criticisms on what actually happens.

Sometimes it takes a lot of work to do this successfully, but it is important to all concerned....sometimes people learn from this too, to not jump into judgments without knowing or hearing all sides to the situation.

Debbie