I am not good at dealing with criticism.

I hate to even admit this about myself because as I think about it and write this post,, the voice inside of me is saying how unbelievable it is that I got to this age without learning how to accept criticism, that if I haven't learned by now I never will, that this is why I have so many problems in my life, that I'm very immature, etc etc etc. In other words, even thinking about the topic of criticism, has sent me down a long road of self-criticism that makes me want to drop the whole topic but I won't. So if you are a person who is good at accepting criticism and making good use of it when you get it, I would like to hear how you manage to do that. I would especially like to hear from anyone who had difficulty accepting criticism, but now does not.
I do know one reason I am this way is that my parents were hypercritical with one another as well as being hypersensitive--a terrible combination. I see a similar pattern in myself as well as the majority of my siblings. Other than that I don't know what the hypercriticalness/hypersensitivity issue is about for me and would welcome what others think.

Meta

Hi

I don't know if i am good in accepting criticisms. But what I do is really think of people's criticisms against me and analyze if what they are saying is true. If it is, then maybe it's time for a change. But if I think it's not, then I don't mind it anymore thinking that they have misjudged me.

Another thing is, if possible, talk to those person who criticize you. Maybe you can ask for their advice or their reason why they have said such thing about you.

One thing you should do really is to believe in yourself and not let other people put you down. Criticisms sometimes are result of insecurity.

Meta, I was helped by this quote:

"Unkind criticism is never part of a meaningful critique of you. Its purpose is not to teach or help, its purpose is to punish."

Sorry I don't remember where it came from. If I feel bad now I ask whether I am learning or feeling helped and if not, "shrug" and cheer up :-)

Hi there --

I am insecure about who I am, so I am very sensitive to criticism.

My parents were critical, but they were doing the best they could, and they honestly didn't mean anything by it. I also can see that I have a very good legacy of decency and good genes from them, too.

A lot of people do not know how to deliver criticism so that it is tactful and helpful. One way is the so-called sandwich method. Say something nice. Follow it up with a specific example that is an "I" statement. Then suggest how someone can improve the product (not who they are) so that the work is "even better than it already is."

It's often said that the ways that people criticize us tells more about them.

Example -- Last weekend, a woman cut me off in her big SUV in a parking lot. As I tried to maneuver around her, she signalled me to roll down my window. She started complaining about how I'd endangered her child daughter who was trying to get out of the car, but was in fact still in the car at the time.

I told her she had been driving too aggressively and should take better care of her daughter, if that was her concern.

She continued to yell at me, and was still standing in the center of the parking lot row shouting the word "Crazy" after me.

Now, who is crazy? The person who calmly ends such an exchange and drives off, or the one who is yelling "Crazy" in the parking lot? Still, I had a good half-hour of introspection afterward, wondering about whether I'd done wrong. And I bet she never had a moment of self-examination.

I hope I'm not hijacking your thread. It is hard to deal with criticism for some of us, but we have to remember that we are not always the ones who are wrong, other people have their own issues and defects, and move on.

Thanks everybody for your thoughts. I've read your comments several times over the last couple of days because this a topic that is important and unsettling for me. I like what you all said. I think what I take from all your posts is if I knew myself better and believed in myself more I would not have as much difficulty with criticism. These are things I need to work on to enable myself to better sort out criticism. I usually am pretty passive in my response when i get criticism, and as one of you said, it would be better for me to explore it. I think my first reaction is to reject criticisms out of hand(and the other person may not even realize it because I don't say it), It is very hard for me initially not to dismiss a negative criticism because I typically believe it is an negative and true reflection of my worth as a person. My self esteem cannot take the hit, so I "throw the baby out with the bathwater." Later on, I will plague myself endlessly about "well maybe that criticism was right" and then I decide " I am a terrible person." And I think I end up just going round and round, feeling very insecure.

Any way thanks to all for your support and ideas.

And "wants to fly" I didn't see your response as hijacking the thread at all. Real-life examples are always helpful to me!

Meta

Hi Meta -- I definitely agree that low self-esteem is at the root of the problem. I have had my students' evaluations of my teaching for at least 6 weeks, and I can't bear to open them. I just can't bring myself to do it.

Talk about can't take criticism, eh?

wants2fly,

Oh yeah! If that were me and it wasn't mandatory, I am sure the temptation to use the circular file would be great. Remember to breathe if you do read them, I always find myself holding my breath under stress.

TY, Meta. I think this is the first "You rock" I've had.

Meta, I grew up in a situation much like you describe, never receiving positive feedback or encouragement, and always criticism and even humiliation. (A counselor once asked me a few years ago how I EVER managed to accomplish as much as I have!) Anyway, going on to study art, one of the primary aspects of this study is critique on a regular basis. When I was young, attending undergrad from '68 to '72, I was regularly crushed by critiques, which often seemed more personal than professional. That was before instructors were given evaluations by students, by the way, and brought to mind by Want2fly's post here. Some very unprofessional behavior went on during my time in undergraduate study, and would not be tolerated today. Now, as I'm much older (56), and once again finally finding the courage to attend grad school in Art, the opportunity to evaluate and critique my professors is there. I always evaluate them with objectivity, and I truly believe that this has created an atmosphere of more professionalism among them (unlike when I was younger!). At the same time, Wants2fly!!!, I also see some immature undergrads taking this as their opportunity to seek revenge. That's too bad. I hope this is not the case with you, Wants2fly.
Criticism, either objective or personal, used to make me so ill I had to go to bed, sometimes for days. Now, I look at it as just one person's opinion., and objectively. If I can learn and improve from it, I DO, but if it is biased and unfair, I assess it that way also and dismiss it.
Patty

Hi seeker,
Humiliation unfortunately is a term that often applied to my upbringing. The sad part of that is that I don't think my parents intended to be that way, they just believed the spare the rod stuff, and in trying to joke or smart remark us out of sadness, and a child who reacts angrily is a defiant child. This is in me, and I have to work mightily on it with my daughter. The not hitting is easy for me. Trying to react healthily to her anger and sadness is a big test.
I was crushed by undergrad evals sometimes too and I think definitely sometimes they were personal --I was so glad for the classes I had that were more anonymous because they were large lecture classes.
I found writing classes to be especially like what you are describing; one prof loved my writing and another was completely exasperated and critical of it. Of course, I tended to believe the harsh criticism way more than the affirmative response.
Looking at it as one person's opinion is definitely a position I am striving for.
Meta

I think that all my students' criticism should be considered, because I can "rub people the wrong way." I also always needs to consider what it is I have not communicated clearly about course goals, etc.

Wants2fly, I once had a supervisor who said I was not empathic to authority figures. I didn't like that criticism, but more importantly I did not follow it up. I didn't take away anything good from it, because I didn't know what she specifically meant. Now I think maybe she meant I wan't nice enough to her, maybe? I think she thought I would get it too but it really wasn't specific enough.
Meta

Meta