[PassionateFlower]

Hi, I’m 19, and ever since I was 13-14 I’ve been struggling with my mental health. Feeling like my mind is completely shattered at times.

**WARNING! SEXUAL ABUSE TRIGGERS**

Here’s a small timeline:

Age 13: I had bad depression and didn’t realize it. My parents didn’t notice anything except that I wasn’t showering and that their methods weren’t getting through to me.

14: I was even worse off. I was stressing really hard about my chore, the kitchen, being clean all of the time. Every time someone would put a dish in the sink I’d run in the kitchen and wash it. I’d freak out and start crying and screaming if the kitchen was dirty. I tried to figure out ways to kill myself without having my younger sister find my body.

15: Depression was gone. Hello, to my very first delusion. I was having delusions that my male family members molested me. That every male outside of my family would touch me, rape me. I also thought that I was impregnated from the rape and miscarried my son. I was very jumpy, uncomfortable all of the time, scared and quiet. I was having headaches and thought that ppl were trying to get inside my head.

16: I still had the rape delusion I just got used to feeling like that. But it lessened over time. A new one started. I was terrified to shower because I felt like there were cameras in the wall, and that people were watching me. So every time I showered I felt like I had to put on a sexy show.

17: I was relatively stable, sorta. I was still having the same delusions

18: I got much better. I started seeing a therapist at my high-school and she helped me

19: It’s pretty much the same. Same thoughts. I did realize that I was having obsessive thoughts about having sex with my male and female family members. Or having sex with people I usually wouldn’t, like my friends or people I consider family.

The people I call my parents are my biological mom and my step-dad. He’s been with us since I was 3.

I found out recently that my biological father has schizophrenia, anxiety, depression, and a personality disorder.

For years I hated being touched and would freak out when it happened but I’m fine about it now. Even though I don’t like it I can tolerate it.
I hadn’t a diagnosis of Delusional Disorder but feel it doesn’t really fit me. My newest mental health professional feels like I was sexually abused but put it out of my mind but I’m unsure.

[Loose Screw x 2]

That all sounds really harsh. Sorry that you've had to put up with so much horrible thoughts and feelings in your life.
I can understand the cleanliness of the kitchen because I have OCD and I can understand not wanting to be touched as I was this way about my feet for many years and wore shoes as often as possible and if I were barefoot around others wearing shoes I would feel vulnerable. And I believe that many people when severely depressed will skip baths/showers sometimes or until it gets to the point where they have to bathe. Are you currently seeing a psychiatrist or therapist about any of this? If not, I highly recommend that you do and I hope that all goes well for you from here on out.

[PassionateFlower]

I’m seeing a counselor at my university. And thanks, I try to keep a positive outlook on life.