Does it Even Pay to Be Nice, Generous, etc?

This is awesome!! I am so glad you shared this with me. It is so what I needed to hear. You actually really just improved my day and it's only
6:12am lol.

Thank you so much

Thank you so much for saying this, and for reminding me that I am not just falling on deaf ears. It made my day as well!!! The analogies were some I learned from a motivational speaker who I hear from all the time on my campus, and it came at a crucial time in my life to prevent my mind from becoming a cesspool. I am beyond ecstatic that this advice has helped you just as much as it's helped me!!!

I would say that it depends on the individual whether or not it's worth it. I can't speak for anyone here because we all have similar yet different experiences.

I'll give an example of my past for example. These last 3 years I've been in community college, I've met different large groups of people each year. And each year, I am part of the group or in some cases, I am like the mom of the group. I always gave neutral advice to people (with all possibilities, not just what they want to hear.) I've been there for emotional support, I've been there to listen to people vent, I've even given money to people who had no food to eat weekly. Sometimes I never saw them buy any food with it,so lord knows where the money went. I would do them little favors here and there. I was essentially the glue that tried to keep the group together. But majority of the times I found out these people I treated nicely and gave my 100% talked **** about me behind my back. And the saddest thing is they never bothered to get to know me. They never bothered to sit down with me,ask me questions, and get to know who I really am. They just went off of what they heard from other people. Despite it being college, people still acted like immature highschoolers. It doesn't help that I have BPD but they don't see me as a broken hurt person. They chalk it up to whatever negative stigma they have of mental illness (which may I add,they lacked any compassion for anything.) It was a group comprised of two faced people,thieves that stole what they could afford,stole from friends,people who cheated on their significant others. But that's another story for another time.

TL;DR I treated people nicely,and they stepped on me,as you've also said you've been through being stepped on;living through toxicity

It's up to us to determine whether or not it's worth it. Should we continue being nice? Should we stop being nice all together, slow down our roll,etc? I'd say measure the pros and cons of you being nice and giving 100% but not getting the same back. That's one way you can use to see if it's worth it or not in the long run. Personally for me,a lot of people say it's not worth it, but I've always told people. If I can't make myself happy, the very least I can do in the world is make everyone else I know or meet happy. That's enough for me. Even though in the end, sometimes it's a cycle of be nice,get backstabbed,get hurt,and such. I will still move on, find other people, and help be there for them for anything. I never had anyone for me when I was younger,so I want to be there for others. Just try not to let this be the reason why you start hating humanity or losing hope in people,because there are good people out there. You'll meet them one day and have a worthy friendship/relationship. I've also met people who enjoy the feeling of being nice even if it doesn't pay off,because they go to sleep feeling good about themselves. That can be another way to look at it.

Sorry my advice isn't really the best. I hope you find peace in the end OP. Remember. There's always rain before a rainbow.

I'm sorry you're having a bad time. I went through similar struggles where I was really nice and people took advantage of me.
I find that being nice because that's the person you want to be (and not doing it for reciprocation) is a great way to live. People will do what they want, but I'm proud of myself for being a compassionate person and for evolving. Remember that you can be your own best friend. Being nice in general also means being nice to yourself. Even though others are not nice to you, you still deserve self-compassion.

It's okay to set boundaries and put yourself first. You can cut people out without being mean or disrespectful. It's acceptable to not expend a lot of energy on people who don't reciprocate. If someone is taking from you, just say "Hey, I know you need things but I'm busy and I have to focus on other things". You can find a nice way of saying that.

Thanks for your response @BrittyBird. I actually think that advice is pretty darn good. I appreciate people like you who are able to tell the truth and not be ashamed of it either! I relate to all of these experiences because all throughout college I’ve felt an obligation toward climbing the social ladders in various groups I was involved with or reach out to other people to support them. But the lesson I’ve learned comes in questions: Is it really so worth trying to please people that you’re willing to hurt yourself in the process, even for those you barely know or who won’t appreciate your efforts?

Thanks for your thoughtful reply @KD1980. The old phrase that someone must love themselves in order to love others is one that is frequently used, but sure enough it’s so true in our interactions. In my case before learning about the power of personal boundaries I’ve been nice to others, but generally not nice to myself. I still struggle with this, but these forums and my counselor have helped me to appreciate who I am. I am also glad to find someone who validates that niceness and assertiveness aren’t mutually exclusive!