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Old 12-25-2019, 04:19 PM   #1
fishjam
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Default I want everybody to abandon me

I didn't really know which subforum to put this in so I hope this place is okay.

sometimes I feel really grateful for my friends and the positive people in my life, but other times I just feel crushingly lonely and I find it extremely hard to reach out to anybody because I always feel like a bother and burden. Hardly anybody contacts me first, and when they do sometimes it's hard for us to hold a conversation. I'm just not that close to a lot of people and I guess part of that is because I'm depressed a lot, I don't have a lot to talk about with other people because talking about 'how are you doing' and my answer will be negative 95% of the time if I answer honestly. I try to just not bother people instead.

Sometimes (often) I have this thought or wish that everybody would abandon me first. I think to myself that if I had no attachments, I wouldn't have to worry about burdening people anymore. I wouldn't have to think "maybe I should reach out to someone right now" because there would be nobody for that except anonymous internet forums like here. And here it's 'safe' because I don't have to stay. I can log off and never come back if I choose to. If people irl abandon me first then I don't have to worry about hurting them with my negativity and things like that. If I'm not attached to anybody I can be 'free' because I don't have to worry 'is what I'm about to do going to hurt/worry/upset somebody else?' I just want to be that person who moves away, changes their name, and become a different person.

I guess I feel caged and restricted by who I am and my current environment. I want to leave everything behind but I don't want to hurt other people so I wish they would all abandon me first.
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Old 12-25-2019, 06:13 PM   #2
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Default Re: I want everybody to abandon me

I feel somewhat similar. People seem like a burden to me. They all say they want to hear what I have to say but they don't. They don't. Personally I don't think I am particularly negative but when we talk about common things, I tend to know as much as them and they don't like that.. they want to be the person who tell everyone else. If I am actually me, they don't like it... they don't what to hear who I am.

I wish people would just stop talking to me. Stop inviting me to things. Stop trying to *reach out*. I don't know why they do it. I want to be the person who I am and yet, they seem to want to use that person and act like they can. With all of them.. they say, tell me about you, I do, they don't like me... they try to change me, I don't change, they give up... and I get hurt because the rejection is right there.

Just don't talk to me in the first place!! ??? I don't know why they do. I would be happy if they didn't try in the first place.
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Old 12-25-2019, 08:14 PM   #3
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Default Re: I want everybody to abandon me

To put it into perspective, my family has abandoned me. And, it really isn't that great to go through life without a support system of people who will let me turn to them when I need help.

Quote:
I guess I feel caged and restricted by who I am and my current environment. I want to leave everything behind but I don't want to hurt other people so I wish they would all abandon me first.
Do you feel like you aren't your authentic self with everyone all the time?
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Old 12-25-2019, 09:51 PM   #4
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Default Re: I want everybody to abandon me

Quote:
Originally Posted by StreetcarBlanche View Post
To put it into perspective, my family has abandoned me. And, it really isn't that great to go through life without a support system of people who will let me turn to them when I need help.

Do you feel like you aren't your authentic self with everyone all the time?

Yes. I constantly self-censor because I'm afraid that I'm too weird/f***ed up/depressing for everybody. The few people I've really opened up to in the past have all eventually left me behind. It would be less painful if the people I'm less close to would also leave me behind. I feel stupid for worrying about hurting other people when nobody seems to be worried about me.
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Old 12-25-2019, 11:35 PM   #5
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Default Re: I want everybody to abandon me

Well, I am pretty self-centered (something I need to constantly work on), so I tend to turn away people for constantly talking about my problems (even here on the boards).

Try an experiment. Instead of self-censoring just be your true self and see what happens. It won't be less painful if your close friends or family leave you behind. It will be more painful. Because rejection is one sided and permanent.

I'm sorry you feel stupid. It's hard to be vulnerable with other people because we never know if they'll accept us for who we really are.
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Old 12-26-2019, 03:10 AM   #6
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Default Re: I want everybody to abandon me

I really relate to a lot of what has been said here. I just think on some level, we, as mentally ill folks, are devalued by this culture an society. I sent a rather vulnerable email to my oldest friend 9 days ago. I have not heard back. I know he is busy, but I also feel like he just doesn't like having to deal with someone as sick as me because it makes him uncomfortable. I know he loves me. It's just so hard for us to find people who will agree to be in our s*** with us.
"Showing up is 90% of life."
That might be true. But noone ever seems to show up for us. Except us.
That's why I always say that you guys are my real family. Because you are.
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Old 12-26-2019, 02:23 PM   #7
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Default Re: I want everybody to abandon me

Bpcyclist that took courage to send a vulnerable email to your oldest friend 9 days ago. It shows just how much inner strength you have, because you took a risk doing that. You aren't afraid to be yourself with others. Never stop being yourself! I also 100% agree with you that people like us are devalued by Western culture and carry a stigma with us which automatically excludes us from access to the same opportunities as non-mentally ill people in society. There's a huge social bias that is perpetuated by false information, that plays on people's cognitive biases and stereotypes about mentally ill people. It's just wrong.

You are correct that we are our own support system. We have no choice. Thank goodness for Psych Central. That's all I can add.
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Old 12-28-2019, 12:17 PM   #8
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Default Re: I want everybody to abandon me

Quote:
Originally Posted by bpcyclist View Post
I really relate to a lot of what has been said here. I just think on some level, we, as mentally ill folks, are devalued by this culture an society.

I agree. Neuroptypical people seem to (in general) fear mental illness and/or they think we can "be normal" if we really want to.

I sent a rather vulnerable email to my oldest friend 9 days ago. I have not heard back. I know he is busy, but I also feel like he just doesn't like having to deal with someone as sick as me because it makes him uncomfortable. I know he loves me.

Sending the email was courageous. I keep all my friends (even the friends I've had all of my life) at arm's length. I don't want to share my inner, real world with them and I don't want to hear them go on about the cruise they're taking, or their new car, and whatever other of their life's details that just make me feel inadequate.

It's just so hard for us to find people who will agree to be in our s*** with us.
"Showing up is 90% of life."
That might be true. But noone ever seems to show up for us. Except us.
That's why I always say that you guys are my real family. Because you are.

There is no place I've felt more at ease than I do with peers (others who have mental illness).

I'd much rather be alone than exhaust myself trying to fit someone's idea of "normal"
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Old 12-28-2019, 01:51 PM   #9
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Default Re: I want everybody to abandon me

When a person struggles with some kind of mental illness or disability they already feel isolated and often the reason they don't open up is because they risk getting some kind of response that can make them feel even more isolated.

I find myself often wishing others could climb into my body just so they could experience how much effort it can take me to deal with the challenge I have with the ptsd that I struggle with. There are so many things I used to be able to do that now with this challenge are so much harder for me to do because I can be so very sensitive.

I have had the feeling where I want to disconnect too, it's the same idea of wanting others to abandon you. It's more about how one can struggle so much that they begin to feel like they can't reveal themselves because how they struggle can just be too much of a burden on others. Often what can happen is a person may have already been exposed to people who need them to be codependent and they are not the kind of people that are safe to be around when needing help yourself and not being able to be that person that was able to be the codependent for others. Often a person is taught to be codependent long before they even have the capacity to know what that really is.
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Old 12-28-2019, 05:59 PM   #10
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Default Re: I want everybody to abandon me

Quote:
It's more about how one can struggle so much that they begin to feel like they can't reveal themselves because how they struggle can just be too much of a burden on others
This is really how I feel.... I don't want to burden people, and then people treat me as a burden (or maybe that's the depression glasses). I feel that they should just abandon me instead of keeping me around for the rare times I'm "good enough" for them. I already feel barely worthy of anything most of the time.

Quote:
Often what can happen is a person may have already been exposed to people who need them to be codependent and they are not the kind of people that are safe to be around when needing help yourself and not being able to be that person that was able to be the codependent for others. Often a person is taught to be codependent long before they even have the capacity to know what that really is.
Do you have recommended reading for codependency in this kind of dynamic? I don't really understand this topic well.
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Old 12-28-2019, 07:16 PM   #11
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Default Re: I want everybody to abandon me

Melody Beattie is considered the founder of the codependency movement. She has written a ton of books on the subject. Here's her website: https://melodybeattie.com/

I think it's totally normal to feel vulnerable or self-conscious around people who don't suffer from the same things we do.
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Old 01-07-2020, 12:33 PM   #12
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Thanks so much, everybody. You've been very helpful.
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Old 01-08-2020, 10:48 AM   #13
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Default Re: I want everybody to abandon me

I don't talk about my illness to anyone except my doctor.

My wife asks about stuff, but I don't tell her details and I definitely don't tell her about my experiences when I was very sick. Partly I am ashamed and partly I don't want to scare/worry her.

I am still myself, I act how I do, I say what I think, I get episodes sometimes, but in terms of what is actually going on in my head when I am sick I keep very vague to the people around me. I don't think it is that I am afraid that people will turn away from me, or that I am burdening someone if I tell them, but rather that it is my mind, it is my sickness, it is my sh** to worry about.

I have always been an introvert, but have developed extroversion as a type of learned skill - even still I can only keep it up for so long. I always want to leave things early (parties, gatherings, etc.)

I have kept a thought journal for about 20 years now. I write so sloppily that no one can read them - not even myself. It lets me get sh** out and then not worry about it anymore. It also allows me to reflect on my thoughts as they come out and come to realizations that I would not have if not for writing, as well as just emptying my mind. It is my form of mediation - except the exact opposite - I don't try to not have any thoughts - I try to have as many as possible. I throw the books out every once in awhile, but do keep them for a bit, just as a reminder as how far I have come as a person. Now I have about 10 on my shelf.

I have lost all my friends over time and now only have family. I grew up moving all the time (My father was a JAG Colonel in the US Army and then when I dropped out of college the first time I enlisted) so I am used to losing friends. The thing is I can't be bothered with having friends anymore anyways. I have my studio/office in our basement and just work on my sh** (I produce music and have a couple online radio shows that I mix on as well as painting and drawing). I don't want to have to think about meeting someone or hanging out. I even tell my wife a lot that I can't be bothered to go to her parent's or sister's house.

I do agree that abandonment is not a fun thing. I was adopted at birth and then when I was 4, my adopted mother died of cancer. Both have effected me greatly. Growing up, my step family was horrible to me and when my adopted father died 11 years ago, the family was torn into the steps and my sister and I (who was also adopted, but not by blood) I hate my step siblings and their kids, but feel an obligation to keep up with my step mother out of respect for my father. The only real person I would call a friend is my dad's best friend from the Army - he lives in Indiana and we talk on the phone about once a week, but even then I don't always answer when he calls and have to call him back at a time I feel I am able to talk. It keeps us both close to my dad and his memory.

I am very emotional and was not before my father passed. I cry a lot at stupid sh** like movies and such. I am going to visit my parent's grave later this month. They have a joint grave at West Point. I have written a letter and have a song to play. I told my wife I need time to myself. I hope I can get all this pent up sorrow out and be less emotional going forward.

I guess what I am trying to convey in this mess of thoughts is that you should just be yourself and let the chips fall where they may. You only have one life and if you can't live it on your own terms, who are you living it for?
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Old 02-05-2020, 01:48 PM   #14
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Default Re: I want everybody to abandon me

I feel a lot of these symptoms too at time. As the emotional detachment been something you are familiar with, over a longer stretch of time, or is this something that is new to the forefront which feels it's finally worth identifying for doing something different regarding it? Is it helpful at seeing these emotions as a symptom you can compartmentalize, or is it all a 'fused mess atm'
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Old 02-07-2021, 06:24 PM   #15
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Default Re: I want everybody to abandon me

Thanks for this thread! Interesting posts! I also think it's normal to feel vulnerable or self conscious around people who don't experience/suffer from the same sorts of things that we do.

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Old 02-16-2021, 07:50 AM   #16
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Default Re: I want everybody to abandon me

I was a bit like this too about 20 years ago. But I did a course of CBT with a specialist therapist that taught me to track my negative thinking styles and thoughts, feelings and come up with disputations that I could live with - through group support therapy. I am sure your not a burden and your a worthwhile person to have around. I know that can be hard to hear with depression when the depression thoughts tell you otherwise. Take heart your amongst friends that care here. Different things will work for different people too. Hope you find what works for you best. Take care.
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Old 02-25-2021, 07:41 AM   #17
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Default Re: I want everybody to abandon me

Awesome thread, and painfully close to home at times...
and yet...desire for contact remains...
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Old 03-28-2021, 08:51 AM   #18
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Default Re: I want everybody to abandon me

That no one reaches out is what's so hard. I know in my case, that depresses me. I'm negative too and I'm afraid of being too negative when I talk to people. I understand the need to have someone to talk to that gets it. I feel like I'm filtering everything I say so I don't bring them down too. I'm available for sharing if you need a friend.
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Old 03-28-2021, 02:45 PM   #19
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Default Re: I want everybody to abandon me

I find peer support groups with other people who suffer from mental illness very helpful. They have helped me much more than therapy and are also often free or inexpensive.
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