Who Is a Liar Protecting?

Recently, someone I care about was lied to repeatedly and he is very upset. He was given the explanation that the lies were told so he wouldn't be hurt.

I've certainly been lied to plenty in my relationship of 41 years. This incident is reopening some of my own wounds and that's why I'm posting the following question.

I often wonder if people just lie to protect themselves, rather than tell lies to protect the one they are lying to. What is your opinion?

I don't think there is a single answer. Lies can certainly be hurtful but I would never make a blanket statement such as 'never lie'.

For example, if your best friend's estranged husband showed up at your door with a gun after they've had a huge brawl and she was sobbing on your couch, would you admit that she's at your house? In that case, I'd lie to protect my friend. That reason to lie is pretty clear.

If I cheated on my husband (which I would not do, but still), and I lied to him about it, I would be lying to protect both of us.

When anyone asks me how much I weigh, I often lie - definitely to protect myself (but from WHAT, I'm not sure...)

Once I thought about lying to him when he was in a major depressive episode, and he received a rejection letter from a job interview that he had been scared to go to but braved it anyway. I held onto it for a couple of days, thinking about lying to say I never saw it, but in the end, I gave it to him anyway. I was going to lie to protect him (not to protect myself, obviously) but in the end, it wasn't really protection so I figured it was best to treat him as a strong adult rather than as a fragile one.

There is no one answer to this question, although it's a good one to chew on.

The one who is lying. There are ways to avoid bluntly telling what you think without lying. That is, if your mind is working well enough, not in the throes of a panic.

Possibly a lie can be used to save a life. It would have to be done (I think) with full awareness and as a strategy -- not as a subterfuge to actually avoid embarrassment.

I still think it depends upon the situation. My dad is terminally ill, with weeks or possibly days left. Honestly, if anything went wrong with my baby, I would probably lie to my dad about it if he asked how the baby was doing. There would be no protection for ME in doing so, but there is just no need to upset him with it.

I will defer to your judgement for any particular case. You are there, I am not.

I guess my point is that I have found many people's explanations of why they do things, to protect other people, hard to credit. I think most of the time they are protecting themselves. That is not necessarily a hanging offense ; I just like to see people being honest with themselves (and especially with me).

Ozzie,

You bring up a very good question and I agree that depends entirely on the situation. I really try to avoid lying at all costs, I’m not good at it and my memory sucks. I have a hard enough time remembering what actually happened let alone something that was made up on the fly.

This has caused me some problems through the years with family and friends. If someone asks me if this dress looks nice, if I don’t think it does, I’ll avoid the question, but when I’m pinned down, I’ll try to find SOMETHING, ANYTHING positive to say. If there’s nothing then I really have to say “no, it really doesn’t”. People thought that I was being mean and hurtful.

Now they realize, if they ask for my opinion they’re going to get it. I don’t volunteer the information.

I understand your friend being upset. I’ve always told my kids the worst thing you can ever do is lie. I’d rather know that you’ve done something horrible and hear it from your lips then find out some other way. I’ll stand up for you no matter what. If you discover that you’ve been lied to, it puts everything in question.

And don't get me wrong - I'm not saying it's a positive trait to be in the habit of lying, nor would I ever lie to protect myself unless it was a matter of survival. But I don't think there one can make a blanket statement such as "the liar lies to protect himself", because I can think of millions of cases where that isn't true.

Susan, in this situation, the liar is protecting himself. Even withholding information is wrong here. I've been there. My neighbor knew that my ex was meeting another woman and where but she didn't tell me until I kicked his butt to the curb. She could have saved me many years of wondering.

She said she was protecting ME but I wonder if she wasn't really protecting HERSELF, not telling so she wouldn't get caught in the middle of it. I would have much rather known at the time it was happening! ggrrr It still makes me mad!

I'm a fan of Mark Twain. Everyone is a liar.

People lie for different reasons. I'd guess most lies are told out of fear. It takes a lot of courage (and integrity) to say things without lying or distorting the truth.

Compulsive liars have a habit of lying. They may not be "protecting" anyone. They may be telling lies for entertainment.

I agree with you Tomi.
I think your neighbor should have told you too. She was protecting herself, in my opinion and she definitely wasn't being your friend.

I think relationships need trust and you can't trust your partner if they lie to you repeatedly. I believe people can grow and flourish in their relationship if they tell each other the truth, even if they have had an affair. Bringing it out in the open and working through it is hard, but it can be done. Many of us choose not to do this work and find someone else. That's a good option too.

Anyway, this is what I think......today. : I wrote a post on my blog about this but haven't had any comments there yet. Hope no one bites my head off for my beliefs!!!

The definition of a lie is to 1 : to make an untrue statement with intent to deceive 2 : to create a false or misleading impression.

Motivation is another story. Sometimes we lie when it's just as easy to tell the truth.

Doh, you are so right! Then there's the people that don't believe you if your story is innocent. They're much happier if you make up something horrible or bizzare... like my mom and my ex used to be.

I had to break my habit of making up things just to please them when I divorced my ex. It wasn't easy but I puposed to do it and overcame it. That's a sad situation when your truth isn't believed.

Susan, if someone bites your head off for your beliefs it is THEY that have a problem, NOT you!