Shame

Hey @TheGal,

Are you OK?

Hi @RDMercer

Thanks for following up with me...

I'm an OK person... but I need to put some armour on... going through a rough spot right now...

How are you doing?

I'm working on myself just as you are.

A friend of mine once said most things that happen in our lives are a combination of our actions and things outside our control, so never give yourself too much credit or blame.

I'm facing past mistakes and taking actions to make them right.

And I'm trying to move forward with my head up.

We're going to be ok.

Ok?

Thank you so much, RD.

As for taking credit or blame, a balanced approach as you point out sounds like the right approach.

I find with depression, things tend to register on the self-blame scale a lot more.

Gal

I feel intense shame in the eyes of God. I am in recovery too, and I feel unworthy enough even to pray. I feel my sins are so bad and I have done so much wrong I don't even deserve His Grace and all the blessings He has bestowed upon me.

Also, to be clear, this has nothing to do with religion just my feelings toward my own Higher Power. it comes from my childhood too.

Great post by the way, this applies to some of the stuff I am learning in CODA.

These days with the shame (feelings I've had for years) I observe it entering my mind (something probably triggered it) and just tell myself "don't go there brother. It's not yours, it's baggage. It's in the mind only" and just try to let it go and refocus attention on something more productive as opposed to accepting it as real and letting it carry me away. I much prefer to approach it that way.

Hey @Lady Shadow.

I so understand what you're saying here (above) but I wanted to tell you that I study certain things, peoples "unusual" experiences, and during an NDE (near death experience) this lady said God (I will use that term) told her that "love falls on all beings equally". And I firmly believe that. You're okay Lady Shadow, though I do obviously respect your feelings on the matter.

@LadyShadow ((((Hugs)))) I hear you... We must find a way to breathe and to remember that [we] "are a child of the universe, just like the trees and the stars you have a right to be here." ~ The Desiderata

@mote.of.soul Yes, I need to remember that the shame is baggage. A psychologist once told me that a lot of my shame comes from my "family of origin" and doesn't belong to me...

The only way out that I can think of is through transformation and self-compassion... sometimes these things are easier said than done.

Yup. And I believe that's the first place the psychologists will look generally when understanding shame = the family of origin. 'Let's all shame our children into compliance!' All too common unfortunately. Whatever the case shame is baggage, not needed or wanted. Yes, self compassion, essentially love, is a good approach, imo. The kind of love that ideally should've been present from the start. The antidote of sorts. Whatever methods you use I wish you all the best in addressing and hopefully overcoming the shame once and for all TheGal. Me, at this stage, I'm all about nipping it in the bud as it arises - or trying to. Hopefully it will just burn itself out one day, it has certainly weakened somewhat.

Hi, TheGal, as someone who used to experience a lot of shame, and now experiences a bit less but is still a work in progress, here is what I know:

I've heard that the way to overcome shame is to tell someone you feel safe with about it. Not everyone has this, and I'd advise not rushing yourself to tell someone if you don't yet know of anyone.

Self compassion helps. The way I practice this is through journaling and also putting myself around people and in environments I feel accepted by and comfortable in.

You could also try owning the things that make you feel embarrassed. Example: I used to be ashamed of certain things about myself. Then I started seeing these qualities being compassionately and kindly portrayed in the media and entertainment I liked. It was like a world opened up for me. The beginning of liking myself.

Thank you for sharing the links, I'll check them out!

Thank you, WovenGalaxy!!

I appreciate that you shared with me your approach.

There's another book I've been meaning to read... secondhand copies can be found on AbeBooks | Shop for Books, Art & Collectibles. It's called "On Shame and the Search for Identity" by Helen Merrell Lynd.