Why I'm here -- unspoiled

I am an adult survivor of childhood assault. I am a 51-year-old african american female living in partnership of over 25 years with a female. We have one son who is now 23.

I started out this journey in group therapy seeking help becuase I was at my wits end. In group it became apparent that I was dissociating rather a lot and the therapist urged and counseled and helped me to eventually find a placement in a clinic that trains young therapists. I started there in 1999. My first t transferred out after 8 months but in consideration for my abandonment issues, we worked together to find a t who would be there for more than a year; that t worked with me for 24 months before transferring out. We made good progress.

The third T, because I kept saying that I needed something more stable, was a staff t who was actively practicing but we didn't do so well together and because i was seeing a p-doc (psychiatrist who prescribed the meds) at that time who took an interest in my case because of the differential diagnosis (suspected but not documented DID) I agreed to see him. That lasted 18 months and included one hospitalization and a work-related IME. The IME doctor stated in his report that I was MPD and that there was nothing the job could do to help me, and that I should be expected to perform all the functions of my job. This was not disturbing to me because I wanted to work and was struggling to keep my job.

After that one, I went into couple's counseling with my partner, first with AAF and then with a male -- non-black, non-caucasian. This male couple's t recognized that I had more issues and counseled me back into individual T. I met the new t and reported, like I have learned to do, that she was dealing with a dissociative client, and pointed her to the now thick medical record and asked her to review the test results. She came back to me saying she could not find the test results, gave me a short dissociation questionnaire and reported that she saw no signs of DID.

She said that I had not exhausted all possible avenues of help and that if what i was looking for was a more relatively stable placement, then there were options but also that I could ask for more frequent meetings. I saw her for only a couple of months; she transferred out. I went looking for a new t.

I thought I had found one, a psychiatrist who does not prescribe meds but rather does counseling and uses a psychoanalytical model. It is tenuous. He is caucasian male. It is frightening.

I thought I could adapt. I am still trying to adapt.

I did, prior to 1999, have a history or pattern of starting and stopping. Before group, before I could understand what was going on with me.

We, this male t and I, abrupted over a reenactment, but I went back to see him again. Then, for financial reasons, I could not see him siince August. In September, toward the end of September, my mother died. Also, I have started back to school, pursuing an undergraduate degree in psychology.

This t -- I have said to him finally, after the reenactment during which I dissociated and he reacted badly to it (IMHO -- the words: "I don't see any kid here" and the words "you sound like you're talking in poetry" and his apology and expression following of interest, care and support, make me feel like ok, we made a mistake in this one instance but maybe we can be helped.

I do not know. I am unsure and uncertain and quite frankly terrified. I know that it is up to me to choose a therapist. It is up to me to trust my gut. But financially and emotionally I feel a bit fragile.

Complicating this is the home life issue with a partner who really doesn't "get it" and doesn't want to get it. We had a challenging holiday. She can trigger me and does trigger me. I have said to her to not get in my face and put her hands in my face and yell at me becuase those things are triggering. She does them anyway and claims that she is not being hurtful, totally ignoring what I have said. And so i continue down the path.

I think that the hardest thing for me to understand is how I am not believed and when I am believed, why then do I find it hard to accept that I AM being believed. There is so much going back and forth.

BTW, the t -- we are split on him. The one part is ok with him, the young child (9-10) is scared of him, the boys are not exactly ok with him either, and I think I'm supposed to "trust my gut" on this one. I trust the one part who is ok with him.

I am trying to start a blog here and will be ok. I have good life skills and good self care skills I think. But I am still trying to work my way out of the morass.

I find it hard to understand how something so innocuous as having sex at 5 could cause such damage. I understand logically but totally don't get it emotionally.

At 5 I was molested by a female babysitter.
After she was fired, my oldest bro began molesting me (he had also been molested by her) and that relationship continued until I was 12.
I had a year's respite, but then my mother and father split up, with my mother essentially and in essence having the younger of her children and her "kidnapped." I was put in a private boarding school, age 13. I "woke up" one day to find myself in a dark dormitory in the middle of the night with no idea of how I got there. I adapted.

The next year we moved and that summer or somewhere around then, i came into context with a 42-year-old caucasian male, the father of my best friend, with whom I engaged in a sexual relationship until 17. At 17, trying to break free of that dynamic, I ended up with a pimp and this was my second suicide attempt, the first having come as a young child, being left with my mother's sister and having her daugters rape me and then tell me I was a lesbian because I liked it. My mother had left me there, taken off that morning and left me there. She was on her way up north to visit another sister. She left me there and then my father didn't know where I was and when my mother's sister called my father about school clothes, this is how he found out where I was and sent money to bring me home. but that summer, and I do not know how old I was, was the first time, after that rape, that I tried to OD for the first time.

I am relatively stable right now. Challenging things. Pushing the edge of the envelope and trying to stay positive.

I think that psychologists are trained to not recognize what is going on with their dissociative clients, and to dismiss/minimize any suggestion of this particular presentation even when they see it. So to a large extent, though they have addressed the depression and anxiety effects, we are urged to not see ourselves as who we are. And this is again not exactly the healthiest of ways to go through this healing.

I need the stability in this chaos. So I don't know how or what to ask for in terms of guidance, but I'm tired and needing some help.

WOW! What an intro! Wish I had something helpful to say but the only thing is, you've come to the right place. There are quite a few here that are DID. I'm not one of them but I just wanted you to know that I've read you're post twice trying to absorb all that you've said. It seems to me that you've suffered enough trauma to justify, if that is an appropriate term, being DID.

I wish you the best on your road to recovery. There is no doubt that you will find many here that are willing to give you caring support.

My best to you.

Hi, Seven221, welcome to PsychCentral. Wow, what a rough, eventful life you've had to get where you are.

I hope you can find some caring, comforting, good advice and friendships here. It is a nice, mixed group with people from all over having all sorts of things they're struggling with. I'm sure a lot of people will identify with some of what you have said, especially the "tired and needing some help".

I'm 57 and mostly have anxiety issues.

I really am not sure what to say. I'm sorry you had to go thorugh all of that abuse.

I'd like to give you a hug though

((((((Seven221)))))

I'm so glad you found us. May this be a safe sanctuary where you can find comfort and support. You've had a hard life, but you somehow found a way to survive. Way to go!

Thank you all for your warm welcome. Thank you. I hope . . . ???? I don't know what I hope.

A friend of mine, a neighbor actually, is a social worker. One day standing in the back yard conversating, we talked, and she shared, about the doo doo bird. The bird that flys over and dumps ***** on you and leaves. It made me think that this is not what we want to be.

I hope to give as much as I get.

I do have friends and a long-standing relationship on another forum which has provided comfort and support. I'm looking to grow. Not just stay stuck with 'survivor issues' but moving beyond.

Hi Seven221 and Welcome to PC!

I too am glad you found us here and hope that you gain much from this wonderful community.

As you have probably seen there are many forums here and one specifically for Dissociative Disorders if you are interested.

You certainly have been through a lot in your life. Your resolve to grow and heal and connect is a testament to your strength and willingness to do what you have to do to take care of yourself.

Again, welcome to our little corner of the world.


sabby