[sinking]

Hi everyone. I havent been on here for ages...
i have struggled, made attempts, got a psychologist, a psychiatrist and a therapist, im on meds but none of those seem to be able to help me with this:

and im sorry, it will be long... i hope to find someone gentle enough to read through it and give me some feedback...

please, just keep in mind im autistic and with big issues (Borderline personality disorder, Bipolar, Schizoid, and CSA age 11-23 with several attempts in the past).

im 43 now and my brother is 39. he was born sick, got all the attentions and i felt left out, abandoned and having to prove im better than him to conquer my parents love back. slowly, growing older i started to hate him for different reasons (wont go into detalis, but it makes perfect sense to me).
sibling rivarly now playing a big role here in this:

back 10 yrs ago, i was an adult living with parents when they decided to get a new house and took away my Home from me KNOWING it would have devasted me (i cared more about objects that made me feel safe than persons), telling me "you'll get used to the new house". TOTALLY INVALIDATING. it still hurts to the point i cant stand hearing them talking about my real Home (where i was born). i had to accept the new house they CHOSE FOR ME. and we did it for my mom cause SHE wanted it. they have chosen her over me.

NOW my brother has a new GF since around november 2024. she lives in Florida and we live in Italy. they keep talking on the phone every day and have been planning "visits" every 5 months. I AM JEALOUS HE HAS A GF AND IM STILL AND ALWAYS SINGLE (but ive come to realize im probably better off alone than with someone). but still it hurts.

THEY have decided she will come to visit in italy for Christmas, and i cant tolerate or accept that. Christmas is for family and my family is the 4 of us. parents, me and my brother. period. so now they want to CHOOSE MY FAMILY FOR ME? honestly she is fine, but SHE IS NOT FAMILY. in my mind she is forbidden to attend to family house for Christmas. ITS FOR FAMILY ONLY. SHE IS NOTHING TO ME. dont care if she is something to my brother. SHE IS NOTHING TO ME. SHE IS NOT FAMILY. NOT EVEN IF THEY GET MARRIED (which they probably will).

so then they are going to FORCE me to spend the next christmas with her around my family. back then i had come to unwillingly accept the new house, now im not going to accept a new family.

they are choosing her over me. him over me. i know it shouldnt be like that but i feel its either her at the table, or me. they are choosing her. they are choosing him. they are choosing his happiness over mine. again. him over me.

i feel abandoned, rejected, not respected, not considered, chosen my bother over me. my feelings' totally invisible and so WRONG that they deserve to be stepped on.

both the house and the next holidays were chosen regardless of my feelings. i accepted it once but i wont be fooled again. i wont accept this. if shes coming, im leaving meaning i CTB.

they make me feel WRONG, an b*ch and they obviously stay on his side. nobody ever sees things from my point of view, nobody ever stays on my side. i do get im "difficult" but i havent chosen to be autistic and reject new things, new projects or new people. i just cant.

im obviously not as important as my brother is. he always gets to have it his way and his way is always over me. because he's normal, he has a gf/soon to be wife with kids and im still alone and will always be. im garbage, im rubbish on the streets. im nothing because he has everything.

the only one to ever feel bad about these situations is ME. so of corse they think im exaggerating or wrong or whining. cant they see theres a human being in this body?

my child mind says: "now another one has come, just like my brother when i was 4. she is stealing my place, she is stealing my parents love, she is being preferred than me. i feel anger, abandonment and jealousy. i feel like i am worthless to them all. invisible maybe or like a mosquito that needs to be k*led because annoying and disturbing the family peace. i might as well not exist anymore. they would be happier. they have already found someone better than me to love.

Possible trigger:

i want to quit

My brother stole everything from me. my parents' love, my childhood, my dream (i have always wanted to go live in the USA), and my life (because im going to exit before christmas arrives). im gonna leave because of him. and because of her.

Possible trigger:

Christmas 2024 was my last christmas with my real whole family together. my life ends at 43.

i have amounted to nothing and nobody has wanted me as my father used to tell me when i was growing up. he was right. im so mad i didnt get to leave sooner than getting to this point.

my mom has always told me they wanted a new baby so that i would always have a person of family by my side in case of need. if they thought they made me a favor they were completely wrong. he has complicated and ruined my whole life.

have they not understood i have no friends, no boyfriends, no-one except for them? this is why they are so important to me. but im not as important to them so i rather quit.

i've found a paper written by me in january talking about this exact issue and i was right about what was going to happen and how i would feel. nothing has changed since then and i dont see any reasons for it to change in the next future.

they make me feel a failure as a daughter, as a sister and as a person.

i refuse to spend this coming Christmas with her. i already accepted too many compromises during these years to keep calm and peace in family. (i wont go into details again but again, they make total sense to me). im not accepting to feel stepped on over again.

this is probably my dads last Christmas (he's 80 and sick). im rooting for exiting. but i might feel compassionate and make my presence at Christmas as a present to my dad... and mom. maybe i'll get there high or od'ed or i might try to pretend for his sake but then, i deserve my exit at peace.

Possible trigger:

i have already sold my flat. im planning on not finding another place to live and just leave my parents with the income of this flat selling. they will have money to close my debts and even to help my brother have the most beautiful marriage ever.... without me.

my mom has said my brother is deciding to probably go living in Florida with her. this means that if i dont end myself, i'll have to takecare of my parents alone while he lives his happy life far away. its not that i dont want to takecare of my parents in their old age but i think its unfair of him to leave me alone with all of that. "he would be an help to me", my foot!

if i manage to live im glad he's disappearing from my sight because i cant stand his sight and his presence in the same room or in the same house. at least this torture will have an end. finally. i hate him with all my heart. he robbed me of my dream. my life and he's done nothing to deserve it. his only presence hurts my soul.

again, he is the favorite because he has a GF will probably have kids, will probably have a good rewarding job and will live in america. and i am still here all alone, never moved from my town to takecare of my parents and will never have a boyfriend, never have kids, have a job that i hate and pays little and i feel im nothing to everyone.

he makes me feel inferior, humiliated, ashamed of who i am, wrong, not enough, a complete failure, deserving to disappear, garbage, not able to live in this world. Less loved by my parents, the one nobody would ever want as a daughter. im the defective one. the problematic one. he makes me feel in my heart im broken, unwanted, unworthy of anything.

and to be honest until the end, i decided to sell my house and try to get a new one just to receive attention from my parents! he was having a grilfriend but i was getting a new home... my news seemed as interesting as his news... or something like that. Just pathetic.

Possible trigger:

AND NOW. im considering WHEN. Obviously, my life is worthless and i dont wanna be here much longer.

My mom now says: “go and meditate” as if that could change who I am or what I feel. Yes it worked in the past but because I wanted it to work for a single day. It helped me go through it. I honestly don’t wanna change.
My mind keeps repeating “she is not family” but what it really means I think, is “she is going to take my place in my family”, and whatever they decide to do this christmas and the next ones will be ruined for ever because there will be a stranger in the middle of MY family.

My family is broken. There are two children. My family is broken. I am broken. Im not fixable.

i have tried talking with professionals and other people and i keep being told im a selfish piece of *****, lacking empathy and preferring to ruin my dads last christmas than pretending to be ok.

i know. i guess. no, i dont know. am i a psychopath? am i a narcissistic person? i know i am mean and selfish but is there a definition for who i am?
i've read from google:

"a lack of empathy can be associated with borderline personality disorder, autism, bipolar disorder, and sociopathy, as well as more benign problems, such as low emotional intelligence, stress, and alexithymia"

i've heard narcissistic people might even know they lack empathy but that makes them aware and still not willing to change.

am i this?

because i do not want to change. i'll probably end up pretending im ok for christmas, but i do not feel happy for my brother, nor for my parents and cant feel anything for this girl.

Possible trigger:

i just cant wait for this christmas to be over and kill myself

i have thought to myself. maybe im not willing to pretend and ignore my true feelings because im autistic' because of schizoid? because of childhood sexual abuse where i learned to hide my true emotions and now im sick of doing it?

i've kind of reached a point where the only thought of pretending something im not feeling feels disgusting to me. thats why i dont want to change and dont want to work on my feelings to make this f*ing christmas at least acceptable. they ruined it to me, so i want to ruin it to them back!

this is horrible and im ashamed of it but still dont really want to change. im sick and tired of ignoring my feelings and seeing them stepped on as nothing happened.

PLEASE tell me whats wrong with me. am i a hopeless mean person and deserve to die to free my family from the burden that i am?

Thank you for reading anyway.
if you can, please help me and leave a comment.
anything you have to say is welcomed, even if you just want to tell me im a f*ed up piece of *****.... i already know that....

[Vaiana]

I'm so sorry you feel like that
I read all of what you said and you don't seem mean to me, you seem really hurt and feel lonely
I think your family doesn't understand as much It hurts you
I think you should try to explain them what you just said, that for you Christmas is for family(and tell them she can come for another day but not Christmas), that if they don't do that for you it's like they don't care about you, tell them that you feel like she will steal your place and that you feel like they care only for your brother
If it's difficult to say outloud write it on a paper and give them
I'm sure your family loves you and cares about you
I advice you to see a psychiatrist if you don't presently so you can have the medication you need for your disorders
If you need to talk you can either talk on the forum or DM me

[sinking]

Dear Vaiana,

Thank you so much for reading and for what you've said.

yes, im really hurt and lonely but that doesnt justify that i care more about MY ruined Xmas than my father's. im willing to ruin the Xmas of everyone just to make it clear that they ruined it to me in the first place!
thats mean.
thats lack of empathy.
thats evil.

i have tried today with my psychologist, to read all of this i have written here and more, to my mom and it didnt work.

they do not understand how much i hurt. they just say "i love you" and "we treat you and your brother equally". but thats not the point!!!

i even told them if she were coming on the 26th that would have been fine, but not on 25th!
no nothing, because they have probably already booked the flight taking for gratned it was ok with me too but they didnt even ask! i count less than zero.

so of course i still think they love him more than they love me! they sure love me, but not enough.... because im mean. because my feelings dont matter to anyone. and if they are socially unacceptable i should change them. as if i could or would.

i saw psychiatrist on wednesday but she did nothing.
i saw psychologist with my mom present today, but they did nothing.
im gonna see my T on sept. 1st but i doubt he will do anything.
and im going to contact my autism T and see if he can help...

i have written all of this out in other italian forums or groups and they all treated me as if i am a monster.

they could only see my envy and hate for my brother and that made me a unacceptable being.

im trying to understand myself more at the moment. thats why i've come here looking for feedback...

i have different diagnosis but i wouldnt want to be considered a psychopath or a narcissistic too.
maybe being
borderline
bipolar
autistic
and having endured long CSA

could explain why i long to say what i think and how i feel, no matter how it makes others feel... i dont know, im just tired of feeling wrong and broken, unwanted and not understood. i wonder what am i doing still here on this planet? i dont belong here....

[Nammu]

Sounds like you will accept nothing but getting what you want. Life isn’t that way it moves on and change is a part of life. Perhaps you could look up radical acceptance and learn some coping methods to decrease your distress.