[tortuguita]

Hi, I'm new and wanted to get some perspective on a problem until I see my therapist next week.

I've been working at my office for 2 years and there is this woman who makes my days there miserable. I think of her as the ringmaster of the office gossip mill. Without her, the office atmosphere would be a thousand times more enjoyable--as her vacations and days off have proved.

She is 60-something, and is the head assistant to our chief and enjoys projecting a kindly, grandmotherly personality. But in reality, she is overly critical of everyone to the point where it seems like she enjoys it like a hobby. She'll bad-mouth X behind their back to Y, and then bad-mouth Y behind their back to X, all the while being outwardly nice to both! I see it as two-faced and hypocritical, especially because it seems she'll go to any length to find something to criticize. She finds the most inconsequential thing (often something that's none of her business anyway) and blows it way out of proportion to everyone she talks to--and she makes it a point to talk to EVERYONE. She'll put it across in such an indignant way (she uses the grandmother thing to her advantage) that people largely believe her. She does it so often that after 2 years, I've concluded she's the kind of person who can only build herself up by tearing others down. As in, "Can you believe so and so said or did this horrible thing, what a horrible person they are! *I* would never be like that..." It's like she thrives on other people's perception of her and NEEDS their approval, even if she just bad-mouthed them to someone else. Basic self-esteem and insecurity issues, I guess, only it's at everyone else's expense, as if she's perfect and beyond reproach.

She also has this maddening habit of being passive-aggressively "confrontational." For example, there is an office supply of sweetener, cream and coffee that coffee drinkers pay for. I bring my own coffee (I like it much stronger), but use the sweetener on occasion and pay some change when I do. She, however, must think--or want everyone else to think--I am stealing sweetener, for God's sake. Today, I walk in to warm my coffee in the microwave as she is eating lunch. So she yells out to someone else on the other side of a cubicle, "How long has it been since we just refilled the sweetener? There's only 5 packets left, it must have grown legs and walked out of here!" Right in front of me, an obvious reference to me since no one else was around and she was just eating her lunch before I came in. I knew what she was doing, but walked out, said nothing, tried to ignore her, and fumed privately at my desk. I was so mad I was visualizing kicking her head clean off, cartoon-style, and possibly punching her in her spiteful mouth. And I'm not a violent person by nature, but man, she made me seethe.

The only way I've coped with it is to ignore her because I get the feeling that "changing" her is not an option. So far, I avoid talking or being around her at all (I'm sure that's another reason she tries so hard to pick on me), but that obviously doesn't stop her from trying to piss me off. I'd rather just find a way to directly say that I refuse to participate in her tangled web of manipulations; like Glinda the Good Witch, I want to get across that she has no powers where I am concerned. I do not want to stoop to her level and "get back at her" or even give her the satisfaction of arguing with her, I just want to be strong and collected enough to assert myself, stand up for myself, and make plain that her behavior is not acceptable to me. I'm tired of just fuming silently every time she does something like this. What should I do?

(...sorry this was so long...)

[SeptemberMorn]

You might try telling her that she doesn't need to be worrying about the speck in other people's eyes when she has a log stuck in hers. Then tell her to not come to you with gossip about anyone else because you don't like it. After that, just ignore her as much as possible. At her age, she's not going to change.

[dexter]

This is a very very close to the heart topic for me, it almost scared me reading it.

I'll probably have some input tomorrow.

In the meantime I like SeptMorn's idea about stopping her when she tries to tell you gossip. I think you can do so without being antagonizing, you don't have to explicitly criticize her for gossiping, just say that you don't appreciate it, and let her "take the hint" that it might be a subtle insult.

If she is close to the chief though be careful. If I have the stamina I'll relate my story again.

[jagster]

wow, this person sounds exactly like my room mate Cant be her though, cause shes unemployed. My room mate does the exact same thing your co-worker does. I ignore her. If i were you, id do the same thing. A little harmless office gossip is one thing, but this lady sounds like she takes the cake. Good luck ignoring her

Jag

[blackdragon]

i got a idea with the sweetner idea.. go out buy some of ur own different brand of course and keep it at ur desk.. That way if she b****es at u for the sweetner, just say i have my own and to be more smart allicky show her the receit to prove that u bought ur own.... But i know what it feels like to have a coworker like that.. I work with one.. a two faced brat... im a cna she is a lpn... well this coworker is responcible for a lot of good cnas quiting. Well all she does is sit on her but and critizise everyone else syaing they are doing a bad job.. some have even said well if u think u can do better then here (handing her garbage) and said do it your self and walked out. one time i was asked to help out on west side and we got everyone into bed early and then east side called me over to help with charting, (since i didnt finish my charting) well i wasnt over their for 3 minnutes she comes hollaring at me infront of coworkers and residents.. Well i hid out with ym partner in rooms and when a resident said something to me that was bad, my partner siad man everyons is being rude to u (right in front of her) and what was so funyn was she didnt get it.. This was when she was acting all nice to me after the yelling..... So i know what it is like to deal with them..