[Kayleigh]

Sometimes I just get so sick of the things I'm supposed to do, and the ways I'm supposed to feel. It makes me sick! I hate that feeling I get, the one that just sits there and waits for the right moment to strike. Then out of the middle of a perfect day, I'm ready to curl up in a little ball and die.
I don't understand why immortality is such a pleasing thought to some people. I personally don't like the thought of suffering for eternity for being a total failure here. Can't we just die, and call it quits? I'm sorry I'm venting on this site so much, but people around me don't want to hear it, and I don't want to make them mad.
I'm not allowed to want to cease to be, I'm supposed to have some great zeal for life, and I just don't have it! You should see the disappointment all over the faces of the people who somehow came to the mistake of caring about me. I'm so sick of disappointing other people, and myself. I want to be what others want me to be, but I don't know how! I don't know how to stop worrying about the stupidest things, and I don't know how to motivate myself very well, and I don't know anything very well. I feel like I'm falling farther and farther behind at life, and I'm just hurting everyone in the process. For those of you who believe in God, tell me why God would want a failure like me on this planet. I'm sorry I'm letting all this out here. I know it's kinda dumb. But then again, so is most of what I say . I guess my venting is more or less the reason for the title... I think if I told anyone around me, they'd tell me I need to change my attitude, but that's sorta my problem, I don't know how, so this is my place to be weak.

Kayleigh,

It's ok to feel everything you are feeling right now. You are entitled to it. Feel it for awhile and then spend time thinking about what YOU want to be. Try not to let the people around you *should* you to death. Believe me, I KNOW that this is far easier said than done. I struggle with it every day. I even inflict the shoulds upon myself far more than is good for me.

But I am learning that I'm happier when I am me and not trying to be what others expect or want me to be. Trying to live up to the expectations of others only gives them power over me - power over my happiness and self-worth - power I'm tired of handing over to others.

Being true to ourselves is very hard work. I feel moments of weakness each and every day. So, I'm extending my hand to you whenever you feel weak. Maybe if we hang onto each other, our sum will be stronger than our individual parts.

girllazy

[Wants2Fly]

It's okay to be weak here. Hugs if you want 'em.

[Rapunzel]

Kayleigh,

I guess we all have people around us who try to tell us what we should do/think/feel. Most of them think they are trying to help, but it doesn't really, does it? I get the sense that what you want to do, and your thoughts and feelings get lost in the shuffle, and maybe you aren't even sure what that is. Does that make sense to you? If you could get in touch with your desires and feelings, then I think the motivation would come, and people might not push you around so much since you would be self-motivated and most of them wouldn't feel so inclined to try to jump in and make you do something. You would also have more ability to tell them, hey, that's not how I feel - I have my own plan here for what I'm trying to do.

I found a book that helped me a lot with that. You might be interested in it. Who You Were Meant to Be - a Guide for Finding or Recovering your Life's Purpose , by Lindsay C. Gibson, Psy.D. The book shows you how your dreams and your plans for your life get buried and obscured and other people's ideas take their place, and you might not even know anymore what you want to do, but it's still there, and then it covers how to find what you want to do, even if it seems too hard, and how to overcome the obstacles, even if they seem insurmountable, as they probably will at least at some point.

I'm not sure if I even ought to respond to your question about God wanting a failure on this planet. I can sure relate to that though, and it's easier for me to answer it for you, than for myself. Of course, God didn't create you to fail. He still believes in you, and will help you to succeed. He knows the great potential that is inside you, and wants to see it realized.

It's ok to vent here. This is a safe place.

Love,
Wendy

[Wants2Fly]

Thanx for book tip. Sounds like something I'd like.