[lenjan]

This may well belong in Survivors, but more people will see it here and I need all the help I can get.

My mother has just announced she's moving here this fall.

Now. My sister lives a couple hours away and has been working to get her THERE, largely because it's going to take two people to cope with her (she's 79, has several untreated mental illnesses and is completely unrealistic about what she can and can't do at 79) and sister is married and has adult kids nearby. I have....me.

But this is the first I've heard of her possibly coming HERE.

My mom was my abuser. What little mental health I have has been dependent on not being anywhere near her for the last 11 years.

This is NOT what I need, you guys. And my anxiety already was through the roof.

Help calming me down, please?

[SeptemberMorn]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Candy}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Breath, girlfriend! Just say "NO! NO WAY! NO HOW!!" or "Not NO, but HEEEEELL NOOOOO!" Tell her you're not staying in the area.

I can't believe some people! What is she thinking???

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Candy}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

PS You can always move out here with me!

[Christina86]

ACK! (((((((((((((((Candy))))))))))))))))))

Breathe. There's still time for her to change her mind. Perhaps by greasing the wheel and talking to your sister and other family members to convince her to stay elsewhere. Or make it REALLY clear you're not going to be helping her out. You've got a responsibility to yourself first and foremost.

Did she give a reason for wanting to move there specifically? I don't know... she could be trying to "fix" the problems from the past and she thinks that will be accomplished by living closer?

Or she just really likes the area where you live maybe? I hope she changes her mind. But don't freak out about this now... there's still time. It's not "fall" yet.

[SeptemberMorn]

Christina is right, Hon. Talk to your sister. If your sister wants her, fine. Otherwise, I'd be trying to talk her into staying where she is. Ya'll still have time. Maybe you can stall her for a while until she gives up the notion?

Take some deep breaths, calm down, sleep on it. Morning usually brings bright ideas with it.

It's gonna be alrighy, Hon. It really is. There's lots of ways out of this.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Candy}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

[Angel_of_the_Past]

Hugs and support-Angel

[wanttoheal]

Oh dear Candy. Parents here did that, followed me whenever I moved. Can you stand firm and tell her you cannot help her in the way she might need if she moves there? What does sister say? I also agree with Sept. If you can tell her you're moving, maybe she won't come. Perhaps you can tell her that you are considering moving to where your sister is so the best place for her to go is up where sister is.

Keep breathing. It's not a done deal yet. And you are renting so you're not tied to that area. Let us know what happens.

[(JD)]

I surely hope you mean by "here" that that isn't in your own home. My mom is 3 miles away which is enough to gauge when I can go see her etc. Getting her social help was huge for me, as I'm disabled myself and the rest of the family of course felt since I lived so close it was my job to "take care" of mom. Not.

Does your sister know of such abuse? Your mom can choose to live wherever she wants to, it is a free country. Unless you can get her evaluated and into the social system up where she is, so she's less likely to leave it, she just might move. Is she confused enough to keep correcting her that she's going to your sister's and not to your city??? If both you and your sister work from the same angle that will work for you. Your mom will need help moving, yes? So you and your sister just help her move to your sister's, if she continues with this idea. It does sound like she's confused the efforts.

Breathe and breathe some more. This isn't the end of the world. You still have your own life. You will not have to drop anything to take care of or tolerate her, just as if she were miles away.

[Doh2007]

Candybear You must be freaking out! Try to remember that you aren't powerless anymore. Don't let her lock on with her tractor beam. You have choices that you didn't have as a child.

[In_The_Darkness]

Wow.

Don't let he come to your house. Tell your sister to make her to go and stay round there.

If not, I remember someone inviting you to go live with 'em

Hang in there x

[lenjan]

She has talked about living with me before, but this time (so far) she's keeping it to just moving to my city.

My mom is, among many other things, very wishy-washy, and has a history of having us (I have 4 sibs) go out of our way to do things for her -- expensive, time-consuming things -- only to refuse them at the last second "because I'm not stupid and I'm not dead yet and I can take care of myself." Except she can't. Which everyone but she can see. So I'm hesitant to get involved in helping her move to sister's when I know that the day before we put her on a plane, she'll change her mind.

Complicating things is, all 4 sibs are married, 3 of them are quite wealthy, and I have actually been told "we've all given our time and money over the years and you haven't been able to, so now it's your turn." And no, none of them know about the abuse. None of them got it as badly as I did, AFAIK. Emotionally, perhaps, but not the other stuff.

One last neat little twist? Today is 9 years since my dad died. He was the sane one of the two and I miss him more every %#@&#! day.

[(JD)]

Don't allow the sibs to dump on you. It doesn't matter how much they think they have done for mom, it doesn't change how much/little you can do. It's like it has been your choice, which it hasn't been. If they can't understand, that's their problem, but don't make it yours. Don't accept their garbage. Shame on them for not being aware of what you went through, but it's not your job to make them understand. Find a mantra to say, and just keep saying it to them. ("I can't expect you to understand, but I'm not able to do anything more." or such.) If you don't try to reason with them (which is impossible anyway) they won't have any new ammo to throw at you. No means no.

Yeah, that's a typical family twist of the ...fork? Maybe Mom wants everyone to hurt just like she is right at this time of year.

Do something special for yourself today (((Candy))) it's ok!

[Perna]

Rely on her wishy washiness to comfort yourself. You know from personal experience how hard it is to move, kind of doubt she'll go through all that trouble and if you make it a little inconvenient for her (low profile :-) she may decide it doesn't look as convenient. Be the horse you can lead to water but not make drink; drop the ball a few times with stuff you're supposed to do, etc. Let the sibs assume whatever they want about whose turn it is to take care of mom, just don't respond/help do it very enthusiastically and it might fall through without too much upset on your part.

Don't get ahead of yourself either in the stress department, imagining what it would be like :-) She isn't there yet.

[nightbird]

You know, that reminded me of my sis used to push the idea on my mom of getting into a retirement village near her home - which was near mine.

I was panicked about it also as together the sister and mother were a gruesome twosome, who menaced and shared similar jealousies.

I really did not want that to happen, to worsen things for me so I decided --- I am not included, will not be included, will not re-visit the past the two of those bullies, so, I stayed out of it completely.

Any of the plans, etc, I was not available. I had to work and raise my kid. I had reasons to keep to myself and my young one, so I protected myself by staying out of it.

It didn't happen. Other sibs weren't involved, it was the one sister.

If it had happened, I made up my mind already to stay away - my self protecting was long overdue and well earned.

Try that on for size. I know it's scary, but detaching from that manipulating move was best for me - either way.

Your mother can probably get more help where she is a resident of a few years anyway!

All in all, she abused a child. She doesn't get another opportunity to frighten you.

You hold all the cards for your hand in life now.

You pull the plug on your end, Dear Candy, and when sister sees she will have to do everything on her own, she may pull it too.

Whatever happens, you don't owe her - you don't have to be there.

Protect and preserve.

Peace,
night

[Doh2007]

Here's a web site I found years ago that really helped me cope with my mother.

http://www.halcyon.com/jmashmun/npd/traits.html

If you scroll down, you'll see the traits. On one of the pages the author assures you a place in Heaven, because she knows you've lived through hell.

[lenjan]

Wowza.

That site describes my mother to a 100% T.

I feel a little better now knowing I'm not *completely* crazy.

Thanks!