SELF BLAME

Well my problem seems very trivial to me compared to the problems that other people here are experiencing but I will share my story!!
I have been VERY DEPRESSED because of my actions ! This is my story! I was employed as a finance manager at a auto dealer for 4 1/2 yrs & in May I went on vacation to Germany & when I got back the battery in the car they let me use was dead so I jumped it off & took it into the service dept & they put a new battery in it & nothing more was said to me! Then on June 10th when I got my bonus check they had deducted $180 for the battery! so I went to the V.P. & she told me it was because of my radar detector & I shouldn't of had one in their car & if I dint like her decision I could leave!! I was ANGRY & HURT by her response since I have been a faithful employee for 4 1/2 years so at the end of June I quit a $140k a year job over principle & because what they did was illegal ( in the state of IL where I live a employer cannot take monies out of your check without your written consent at time of deduction!!) then I wrote a letter to the labor board & the dealer sent me a check for the $180 because they were wrong in the laws eyes! I took a 2 week trip to Las Vegas to visit a friend & had thoughts of trying to move there! so when I got back I was talking to a friend in the car business & he said he was looking to buy a house so I agreed to sell it (without thinking everything through) so I went back to Vegas to try & get a commitment for employment & FAILED! by that time it was too late to back out of the sale of my house !! it was only 20 min from my old job a 3000 sq ft custom home in a GREAT area that is still growing plus I only had a $1900 mtg pmnt so then I had to scramble to find a place to rent that I could fit my stuff in & that was vacant!! so I found a townhome in a area I HATE & the rent is $1500 go figure I still haven't found employment at another auto dealer & have tried many times to get my old job back but because of the letter to the labor board the owner says NO even though he is losing $$$ without me because I was his top producer!! I think its HIS pride!
SO because of the 3 BIG mistakes I have made I have IMPLODED my life & my friends cannot understand what my pain really is !! 1st mistake. (Quitting over something so trivial as $180! )2nd mistake ( writing a letter to the labor board!) 3rd mistake selling my house while unemployed (was spending precious time looking for place to move rather than job hunting) I just wish I could turn the clock back!!! I REALLY miss my old job & almost ALL the people there !! I am still unemployed & I have trouble sleeping for more than 4-5 hours & wake up in the middle of the night & pace around my townhome like a caged animal!! I HATE IT!! my doctor put me on Zoloft & have been on it for a week now !! when I was young I was a F**k up & took 5 yrs to graduate high school & didn't have a great childhood (was adopted from birth & lost my Mom to cancer when I was in 8th grade! ) I have worked very hard to get where I was & then I feel I threw it all away because of MY PRIDE but I have have talked to many times & even wrote a letter & sent him back the $180 to the owner & still he wont show compassion & let me come back!! I SOO MISS everything I had & feel it will take me forever to get back where I was!! my friends tell me to move on & that I should be glad that I still have my health & my car & a roof over my head & I know these are things to be thankful for but they don't understand my pain !! I feel like I have fallen SOO hard on my face because of MYSELF!! any advice or comments or questions are welcome!!!

Thanks for listening!!

Kenny

Hi kenny,

It's brave of you to post here, and to be so honest about what has happened to you.

We always seem to blame ourselves for what we see as our mistakes, but things happen that we can't control. Maybe your old employers were not the best people to work for.

This is certainly a big crisis for you at the moment, and I hope that something works out. In my life, sometimes surprisingly good things have come out of a crisis, although I couldn't see it at the time.

Good luck, Myzen

WOW, kenny. i think you're going thru lots. i would be seeking alot of support right now as well!

kenny, i honestly think you reacted appropriately about the $180 deduction. did they legally have the right to fire you is my question? i would see an atty about that maybe, unless you're just ready to move on and let it go. can they really fire you because you sought arbitration from the labor board where the company was found to be at fault? i'm wondering about that one right now, and thinking that might not be legal at all. i would at least consult with an atty. you could get some good severance or something.

you have every reason to be upset. your entire world has changed in a few weeks regarding massive issues...income, lodging, etc. i think you're very strong to handle this as well as you have.

consider the attorney at let me know? keep us posted.

be safe,

kimmydawn

I thought he quit, wasn't fired

???

(((((((((((((((((((((((angela))))))))))))))))))))))

my bad! he did! i missed that part in my exhausted state of mind thank you for keeping me straight and taking care of this tired soul

kenny,

please ignore my post...see above for reason...and i apologize for misunderstanding. however, i still stand by the rest

be safe,

kimmydawn

they sent me the monies back when i wrote the IL dept of labor & yes i did quit its just that the letter to the labor board burned a bridge with the employer !
if i just quit & didnt write that letter alot of people at work think he would of given me my job back if i wanted

Hello Kenny --

I can empathize with what you are going through. In fact, my stomach started to clench reading about your situation.

My whole life was swept away in just 5 weeks in Spring 2003. I was diagnosed with an illness; I was unable to get tenure as a professor and the 12 years I invested in that career was blown away. The man I'd been with for 15 years called me in Florida, from California (if he'd run any further, he'd have fallen off the edge of the earth) to say, "It's over." And I quote. I fell apart. I had to sell our dream home, that we'd purchased only 5 months before all this happened. I had to find homes for my two beloved dogs, because I couldn't take care of myself no less them. I am familiar with long, sleepless nights, self blame, anger, grief, loss, and seemingly unending pain.

I have been through a long process of grieving and coming to grips. After 18 months, I am just coming out of it, and your post triggered very unpleasant emotions for me.

The single word that stood out most for me in your first post is "Pride." The two qualities that I have come to grips with in myself during this long period of healing are my pride and stubbornness. Perhaps it will help to reflect on other situations in which pride has affected the way you deal with the world. Has your pride hurt others as well as yourself?

Coming to grips with a material situation that is less than I am used to has been painful. I've spent a lot of time "running" -- not living anywhere, staying a few weeks here and there with friends and relatives, trying out New Orleans in a furnished sublet. I have blown a lot of money, but I was too depressed to be overly concerned about it. Looking back on it, I honestly don't think I was capable of behaving in any other way than I did. It's a miracle I didn't kill myself.

I have developed a richer, deeper spiritual life as a result of everything that happened. I have developed ties to new people as well. I think the people who have helped me most are people from my old life, and the emerging life, who are compassionate and kind, loving, tolerant and giving. I am learning new ways of "being" in the world.

I hope that you will take seriously the suggestion to get counseling. The depth of your self-blame suggests that other, deeper issues may be here, in terms of your self-expectations, and how you evaluate success for yourself. Perhaps it is time to take to unpack this treasure chest of who you are, and decide what you like and want to keep in that box, what you want to throw out, and what you'd like to add. A counselor can help with that. This can be a great opportunity for you to find out who you really are and who you want to be. To evaluate how happy the home and expensive toys made you -- or if there are, perhaps, some longings deep within that you've never allowed yourself to explore because you have been too busy. Right now, I am staying with friends where the husband is in the car business. It really requires long hours. I joked that she sees her husband almost as infrequently as I saw my mate -- who was a long-haul trucker and only home 5 days a month.

Of course, we all want the old life back, if it was a good life, and we liked things the way that we were. But even going back to your old employer will not restore that life. I don't think mending fences with an employer is like being in a love relationship that grows past some crisis and becomes stronger. The element of mistrust will be there. IMHO.

Best wishes with rebuilding your life and your self, Kenny. You've come to the right place. I am not sure that I could have survived my dark depression without the loving and wise people of the Forums. My heart goes out to you.