when does it end?

Assuming all my problems boil down to my immaturity which seems to be the general consensus. When does it end.
I have on my computer (a different one) a long peice about growing up, describing to myself what it means to grow up.
Growing up is accepting that humanity is doomed, and doing whats right anyway. Its accepting that good will fail in the end and doing good anyway. Its not caring about the big picture but only about the tiny amounts of improvement that tiny actions can make in peoples lives. Its sacrificing the self for the community, letting ones dreams die for the sake of the whole.Its refusing to be angry and resentful that nothing in this world is for us, and being at peace with nothingness. Its dying whilst being alive for others. Being a light in the darkness.

And ...I really don't want to grow up. I don't want to fight when I know inevitably I must lose. I just want to curl up in a little ball and ignore everything forever.
And I can't. I have to look, I have to be a part of it. And what can I do then? I have to love it.
I can't help but hate everyone.
I want to make everything wash away, I want to extinguish it all for trying to make me responsible for being.
And I can't this stinging sensation it causes on my skin.
It is something I seek even though I hate it.

I want run away and escape, but there's nowhere I can go. I think I could travel far away, but its the same there, I think I could take drugs, but its the same with or without, I think I could stab myself, but then it would fade and it would be the same. Nothing I try will change anything - escape is impossible.
So I have to love it.
It feels like ghosts passing through me. It begs for disintegration. I have to love it.
Because there is nothing else I can do.

It was easier before. It will be easier again. Stupid cycles.

I don't agree that all of your problems are because of immaturity. I really think you're struggling, and your pain and worry and confusion is genuine.

I hope you can find the answers you seek.

Candy,

Just be yourself, and have fun being young. Age just happens, and as it does it brings the maturity you are looking for. It is odd how it happens...without you even trying. So be happy with yourself and be wonderfully Young!

Colors

How is being young fun? I can't wait until I am lol, I can't wait until I am retired - except I doubt I will ever be that old.
I know I have it made, I don't have a job, I don't make any effort in school, I have no relationships to worry about, I have no freinds to complicate things. I should be happy. But I need less than this. I just want to be able to stay in my room 24/7 listening to music and sleeping.
Ok I don't I want so much more than that, but its impossible. I just want to escape to a place that doesn't exist. Everywhere I go is the same, everytime I run away everything is the same. It's endless.
My dad says when I am older I will develop a callous in my heart, then it won't matter. But he threatens suicide 6 times a year so I hardly see it in effect. He says he died before I was born and only lives for his family now.

How very sad. I am sorry candy

Candistix, I think your ideas about "growing up" are flawed. That may be a place to start to effect a positive change. Secondly, and it's MPO, your spiritual life needs to make a 360.

Good luck.

Hey hun, I'm sorry you feel this way I don't think everything has to do with being immature, people say that to me all the time,often I think it has to do with being depressed, an illness that can be treated! I hope you find the strenght to want to get better *hugs*

um sept wouldn't that be a 180? lol

Candi, I'm sorry you found that "growing up" piece on your computer... and would hope that you could change it.

Growing up doesn't need to mean any of that. In fact, growing up means you have the freedom to change or work on changing everything! Everything in your life, in the world you live in: You receive the power to be considered and respected as an adult. No, your thoughts and feelings will take time to develope from being a child...through being a teen... into adulthood...

and surely we all know some adults that still act like deliquents!

I'm sorry that your dad has had to create that callousness just to get through his day..

may you find the tenderness of life, and a good purpose to share with the rest of us who live on this planet!

Hi Candi,

I am so sorry your father is so unhappy right now.

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He says he died before I was born and only lives for his family now.

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Did he ever tell you what happened to him before you were born to make him so sad?

Well if you are going to spend time in your room, you might as well have some good music with you and a working computer. When I was your age, we did not have computers, so your generation is way lucky!

Do you surf at all on the web? I mean visit your television channels, or favorite magazines online? One thing about the computer is that you can really travel anywhere in the world, and never leave your room. The travel channels are like being there in person. I especially like going to space with the telescopes online, or the zoos with their hidden cameras.

What can I say? If you want to escape the computer is great. (oh, OH....another favorite site of mine is the Smithsonian online....love going there.)

Take Care, and let me know how you like the Smithsonian.

Your Friend,
Colors

P.S. Remember to Visit Italy, England...and Japan when you get the chance (3 more Countrys I never get tired of).

((((((((((Candy)))))))))) safe hugs if you'd like. I am so sorry you are going through such a rough time.
larks

I knew it was wrong when I typed it but it didn't register. DUH!